I realized that i forgot the most important thing i learned here, today i had a terrible anxiety attack , i spent this whole week trying my hardest to not feel the panic and to resist it as far as i could
And i forgot all what i learned about accepting it and dealing with anxiety rather than avoid it or run away from it
I reached a point today where i started to question if i even made progress throughout those last 11 months, but when i remember that my bp wouldnt go down from the constant panic , where i couldnt even stand a second alone without getting my heart pumping out of my chest in fear, and when i couldnt get through the smallest social event, or walk down the street, or drive , or do anything im not used to , where the anxiety would never stop and i felt hopeless every night and day, where i would carry my bp monitor everywhere and would fear to do anything because of my severe health and general anxiety
But im not where i want to be , i want to now worry just because i have a doctors appointment, or i have to do a speech , or stand up for myself and handle conflict , i want to be free , dont get me wrong i do all those things, but the DIFFERENCE is that i do them without being comfortable , i panic endlessly before for no reason, i worry about saying a couple sentences in a play because my anxiety makes me assume the worst which is not even the worse because its unrealistic and not logical
As soon as im settled, i did research through local therapy centres and im going to go to one as soon as i can, im just a bit relieved that im still nit giving up , and regardless of all the crqp im going through im dissapointed but i still dont mind staying hopeful, because i know there is a way out