Life story, cry for help? -Trigger warning-

[Jessica547]

I am giving myself a week to get things together gradually. My story is long but I feel the need to share my life experience with people who truly care, understand, and are feeling the same. I was put on Zoloft in the first grade due to my separation anxiety from my mother. A few years later she was battling Breast Cancer, which came back twice. She was the only person in my life who I was attached to, I never was away from her. In 6th grade she was admitted over night in the hospital, she only told us that it was due to calcium levels and that she will be out soon. Months passed and she was at the point she couldn't make out words, I was watching my mom who was my life dying on a hospital bed and there was nothing I could do. She never told us, but she had terminal cancer at this point. She passed away a few days after her birthday and ever since then my life has been down hill. My dad turned into an excessive alcoholic, he would take his anger out on my brother and I. He beat me many times, verbally and physically and I didn't know why, all I knew was that I am a failure, a stupid bitch, loser, freak, asshole, so be it. My moms side of the family never accepted me because I was the weird goth girl of the family. Also, they were terrified of my father. So I have no family I talk to, only my brother and dad. I am still resentful towards my brother due to the fact he would leave the house while he saw I was getting abused begging him to take me with me, he left without me to go party with his friends. In school, I have been bullied all my life for my appearance and life. I had a group of friends who I thought were there for me, but they ended up talking about me behind my back and later I had found out they just used me for money, food, and my pool. In the winter of 2015, my dad became paranoid that people were following and trying to kill us, that Christmas he tried taking his life in five different ways. My brother found him in the garage, locked in the car, with the gas going for hours on end. The police said he had minutes to live and if my brother never woke up we both would have been dead as well. He was in and out of the mental hospital, always coming back with alcohol, numerous times I saw him being tackled by cops, screaming, and threatening to kill them. Over time he was back home and was good for a while, then he went back to the bottle and has been drinking and chain smoking ever since, getting worse and worse. There was hope though as I found a man who truly loved me for everything I am, shared so much in common, and would put a smile on my face every single day. We dated for a year, until he got tired of my depression and anxiety and left me in a blink of a second. That was the end of the road for me, I lost my body as I gained weight and lost muscle when I was with him and two months after the break up. I feel disgusting and the man I am still in love with is now with tons of girls, happy as ever. I had my stuff packed to leave my home as I am tired of my dads 24/7 drinking and crying. Now I am stuck here, stuck in this body, stuck in this life absolutely alone. I have utterly no one, no family that talks to me, no friends, and no stable household life. I am still so in love with my ex, I wanted to have our children and a beautiful marriage. My ex even told me we would name our little girl after my mother. Now that's all ripped away from me, and I feel like I am closer to death every single day. I am at total piece with the thought of dying, no more pain, no more abuse, no more looking in the mirror and wanting to cut my fat off and wanting to hurt myself for the way I look, no more being in love with someone who will never love or talk to me again, no more anything, just death. But something in me is telling me to give my life more time. I am so sorry for the long message, but I just needed to share things and my thoughts. I have been in and out of therapy since grade 1, it doesn't seem to help at all. I had written this as a comment but I am not sure if anyone could see it. Just looking for more insight as I have come to the point where I see my life has no meaning without my ex boyfriend and for some reason this month it is hurting me more then the first month of the break up. Thank you for whoever read my long dumb story aha.

[BonnieSue]

I don't think your story is dumb. It's all about you so it can't be dumb, it's very interesting. Just like you. You write very well. I'm very sorry you have so little family and no healthy normal family at all. I guess you don't have anything or anyone in your life that you really like, so you have maybe turned to food for some enjoyment? Only that always backfires on us. Food can be tricky and nasty that way. It seems so friendly and soothing for awhile but it has a way of turning on us and biting very sharply. Painfully. It can become our enemy.

I guess there's no rule about when we hurt regarding a relationship that's gone bad. You could hurt more this month because you've gone longer without someone you love by your side. It's getting old now, and you don't want the loneliness. Depression is also about loneliness. feeling isolated. Maybe you're depressed, also.

Death can look good when you're hurting because you see death as a release from your pain. But do you know that you can live and get released from your pain? You probably need to go get checked by your family Doctor and see if you're healthy in every way except depressed. Then he/she might refer you to an adolescent psychiatrist or treat you himself for depression. You might feel better in as soon as a few weeks. Wouldn't that feel good? You can't entirely get rid of feeling your loss of your boyfriend, but you have some chemical depression that will definitely respond to medicine. Why not take the next step to wellness? We here will support you all the way!! Take care!

[jyjyjy]

I read it, and thank you. I saw a lot of myself in your letter. But, please don't give up. I am not going to, I am going to fight for a normal life, whatever that is. lol

jyjyjy

[jenmegan]

Listen to that "something inside you" please. I relate to almost everything you are going through. I jate my life right now, my panic disorder and every card i have been dealt but i too feel something subtle and obscure that tells me to just put one foot in front of the other. Just hang in there. You have been thru a lot of shit.

[Deeman88]

Hi Jessica,

Firstly I am very sorry to hear of your troubles- and coming from someone else who has been partically unhappy in my surroundings and current life etc, as with a few others here, I can relate to this in a lot of ways. Firstly, I have been basically tossed aside by girlfriend of 7/8yrs, a after which we had a little girl together nearly 3 years ago, and firstly as soon as our daughter was at nine months I was repeatedly told I needed to move out and arguments would be made out of anything and my girlfriend seemed to enjoy telling me to go get out etc, she is a cruel person who was hardly there for me or showed me much compassion when I watched my dad slowly pass from his cancer to the point where I didn't even get a hug off her etc. Now looking bk I should've took that for a sign of things to come but in the last cpl years- I never felt like I make a diff to either of their lives and since that's happened it's triggered off my manic depression and anxiety I had suffered with in the past like maybe far as 8/9years before that! I've now been signed off from working for too long now and have tried many diff anti depressants as well as now living my life on my own- away from both the girls in my life, and who I'd thought I'd spend rest of my life with to be quite honest. Not only that but Since me having to move out and it triggering these feelings, I feel like my partner was no longer interested in me and that is the worst part. I may not understand the abuse side of what's happening to you but I, during the time of having our daughter etc, slowly but one by one lost my friends or the ones I thought were friends. So I have found it v hard to cope/deal with anything as my world was quickly taken by me and within that first year of forced to being without them both it was clear that my ex partner was more then happy being on her own and coping just fine. The one thing that this website is particularly good for is just knowing I am or we are not the only ones in this boat. Please stay strong as do I everyday or at least try, it would be all to easy to give up but we wasn't made to give up but I also know all to well it's easier said then done! Personally I have to take one day at a time because I can't focus of anymore really because I find it too hard to be v optimistic. You've done really well to come on here and share your story and if you ever need to chat I can relate in some ways, as can most, then don't hesitate to drop me a line! Keep your head up x

[Ceilingmoth]

Hi

I feel like I can relate to a lot of your experience that you shared. I'm currently going through trama counseling because of childhood neglect. It's been a year after I started counseling and I don't feel better but I've learned ways to cope and not let depression or anxiety control my decisions. I also had a long term relationship that I thought was the last I would ever be in, and put a lot of effort into before we both pushed each other away. It's been two years since then and I still haven't found someone who was as "perfect" for me as they were. The reality is that they weren't perfect then. There was a lot wrong with what we had and a lot of reasons that we had to separate. Be sure to grieve over the loss of your vision of what you thought you had with your ex, but don't be scared to admit that you went through this breakup and remain separate because that wasn't it for you. Actually this is a perfect time to focus on yourself and recovering from trauma and maybe get some therapy from someone who can listen to you for the sake of listening.

Your woes are valid and your insecurities are powerful but they can be remedied and there is a better future, just expect that it will take time and effort to gain it. Like I said, I'm 2 years out of my perfect relationship and still haven't found anyone close to what I had before, but I know I can have better because that wasn't it for me, that wasn't the best and I can do better. I'm 12 years out of the neglected situation with no family members living that didn't neglect me to turn to, and that only gets easier with finding friendship that feels like family. I used to have that but those friends fell out, and that's hard too but it just leaves room for better friends in my life.

I'm also working on my body and a workout routine as a way to decrease the hold depression has on me and increase the security I have of my body image. Getting into that routine took 5 months and there are still times where I'm so depressed I don't get out of bed to go to the gym for a week. I let myself down those weeks but I just give myself a break and get back to the gym as soon as I can.

Just think of this as time for you to recover and regenerate into the person you want to be

Wish you the best, feel free to message

[BrookeMDraper]

Your story is not dumb and neither are you. Please understand you are not alone. I too had an abusive father that I am still living down. You are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for. Please get some help. Ask a doctor that you trust to get you help. Your life is worth everything.

[Mikkael352]

I'm way late on your post, but I've been through a lot recently too. I can reflect in what you said, and thanks for opening my eyes, as I found your post while looking for help.

I hope it does get better for you since then, and don't give up. Life is made to be lived, and everything happens for a reason. If he left you because it was to hard for him to bare, it's because he wasn't the right one for you. The path of life is made of a lot of crossroads, and along the way, you will find someone that fits your shoe.

Hold on and don't give up, all good things come to those who wait.

Cheers from Canada,

~Mikkåel