I am giving myself a week to get things together gradually. My story is long but I feel the need to share my life experience with people who truly care, understand, and are feeling the same. I was put on Zoloft in the first grade due to my separation anxiety from my mother. A few years later she was battling Breast Cancer, which came back twice. She was the only person in my life who I was attached to, I never was away from her. In 6th grade she was admitted over night in the hospital, she only told us that it was due to calcium levels and that she will be out soon. Months passed and she was at the point she couldn't make out words, I was watching my mom who was my life dying on a hospital bed and there was nothing I could do. She never told us, but she had terminal cancer at this point. She passed away a few days after her birthday and ever since then my life has been down hill. My dad turned into an excessive alcoholic, he would take his anger out on my brother and I. He beat me many times, verbally and physically and I didn't know why, all I knew was that I am a failure, a stupid bitch, loser, freak, asshole, so be it. My moms side of the family never accepted me because I was the weird goth girl of the family. Also, they were terrified of my father. So I have no family I talk to, only my brother and dad. I am still resentful towards my brother due to the fact he would leave the house while he saw I was getting abused begging him to take me with me, he left without me to go party with his friends. In school, I have been bullied all my life for my appearance and life. I had a group of friends who I thought were there for me, but they ended up talking about me behind my back and later I had found out they just used me for money, food, and my pool. In the winter of 2015, my dad became paranoid that people were following and trying to kill us, that Christmas he tried taking his life in five different ways. My brother found him in the garage, locked in the car, with the gas going for hours on end. The police said he had minutes to live and if my brother never woke up we both would have been dead as well. He was in and out of the mental hospital, always coming back with alcohol, numerous times I saw him being tackled by cops, screaming, and threatening to kill them. Over time he was back home and was good for a while, then he went back to the bottle and has been drinking and chain smoking ever since, getting worse and worse. There was hope though as I found a man who truly loved me for everything I am, shared so much in common, and would put a smile on my face every single day. We dated for a year, until he got tired of my depression and anxiety and left me in a blink of a second. That was the end of the road for me, I lost my body as I gained weight and lost muscle when I was with him and two months after the break up. I feel disgusting and the man I am still in love with is now with tons of girls, happy as ever. I had my stuff packed to leave my home as I am tired of my dads 24/7 drinking and crying. Now I am stuck here, stuck in this body, stuck in this life absolutely alone. I have utterly no one, no family that talks to me, no friends, and no stable household life. I am still so in love with my ex, I wanted to have our children and a beautiful marriage. My ex even told me we would name our little girl after my mother. Now that's all ripped away from me, and I feel like I am closer to death every single day. I am at total piece with the thought of dying, no more pain, no more abuse, no more looking in the mirror and wanting to cut my fat off and wanting to hurt myself for the way I look, no more being in love with someone who will never love or talk to me again, no more anything, just death. But something in me is telling me to give my life more time. I am so sorry for the long message, but I just needed to share things and my thoughts. I have been in and out of therapy since grade 1, it doesn't seem to help at all. I had written this as a comment but I am not sure if anyone could see it. Just looking for more insight as I have come to the point where I see my life has no meaning without my ex boyfriend and for some reason this month it is hurting me more then the first month of the break up. Thank you for whoever read my long dumb story aha.