I "get" suicide

[Yipeyul]

I am not suicidal. At least I don't think I am.

But I finally understand torment that can be brought about by anxiety and the subsequent feelings of utter worthlessness. At almost every moment of the day I feel like I am failing. I am failing my wife, failing my children, failing my employer, failing my friends, and failing God.....

I have no one to share this with, because no one will get it. They will point to how amazing my life is, and they are not wrong. They will point to just doing what is right in front of me at the moment, which is what feels so impossible.

But people around me who love me would be devastated to even hear me think that's why. But since I am a young child I have been taught not to trust love from anyone.

I understand the Bliss that could be provided if I was no longer here. I don't think that it would make a statement to anyone, I would just be another statistic like so many that we are losing to other forms of suicide.

[Starrlight]

Certain things in life have me feeling like a failure but it’s the depression and anxiety talking that makes it all seem irreparable and amazingly horrifying. When I am feeling good I am seeing and feeling worthy enough to myself to see my success.

I wish you well. I wish you times in which you can see and feel your worthiness and success.

Blessings

[Yipeyul in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. I need all the wishes and blessings that are out there.

[Starrlight in reply to Yipeyul]

You’re welcome. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

[RaqXo]

Hey I can totally relate. I sometimes feel so worthless and such a failure that I rather find an escape route=suicide. But at the end I know that’s not the solution and I just wait it out until it goes away. We are all human and we are not perfect by any means. And we have to practice self love even when we feel like such a worthless piece of shhhhhh lol. Take it day by day. And find ways to love yourself.

I find it so hard to tell people how I really feel about myself

in my life. So I just come here and let it all out lol. It helps because you’re not bottling all in and you realize that other people struggle the same way as you.

Hope this helps. Take care 🤗

[Hidden]

Hi!

I agree with starrlight that your depression/anxiety is filling your head with a bunch of negative self-talk and just pure rubbish! You sound real close to being suicidal to me. You’re wishing you would disappear with the common assumption that your loved ones would be better off without you or that you would not be missed. I have had those same thoughts many times over and am very grateful for the process of recovery from this self-sabotaging disease. I honestly feel like you’re not letting God down! He has given you these difficulties to see you overcome them with His help. He wants you to gain experience and empathy. You may need these episodes to prepare you for what’s ahead or to enable you to help someone who desires it and is struggling. Your testimony about depression/anxiety may just help someone someday! I pray that you will find peace on your journey through, “this thing called life.”

[peanutbuttercup]

I have felt the exact same way...about being a failure to my family etc. I have learned very very little about this thing that grips us, but here goes.

1) Your family et al don’t think you are failing them. That is only your thought. They love you and want to help you.

2) No, they probably don’t understand what you are going through. I don’t think anyone could who hasn’t experienced it themselves, BUT that doesn’t mean they don’t love you and want to help.

3) I think that’s why we find our way here to this forum...to find people who understand what we are going through. So, here’s to a whole group of people who feel as crappy as we do but still want to help each other. 🙂

[Yipeyul in reply to peanutbuttercup]

Thank you Peanutbuttercup

Yes. A group of people who understand me makes me feel like I can beat this. Thank you for listing it so clearly

[peanutbuttercup in reply to Yipeyul]

Do me a favor then. Give me something positive you’ve learned from this. The negative stuff just bites.

[Yipeyul in reply to peanutbuttercup]

Bites it does!

I see that others have been through this and that it is a phase. It may not last forever even though it feels like it will.

Feeling others who are in a similar painful spot also make me feel less alone.

That's some of the positivity that I have gained.

[peanutbuttercup in reply to Yipeyul]

Thanks, that helped. 🙂

[rrichardson]

Well, what other people don't understand is that depression is a chemical imbalance and has nothing to do with having things. I have a lot going well in my life and I have bouts of depression and feel empty sometimes. You can't just think happy thoughts and feel better. I get that and it is good to just get these feelings out without judgement.

I have been in that deep pit before when my oldest was younger than a year old. I wanted the pain to end, but then God spoke to my heart and I ended up getting help.

[Yipeyul in reply to rrichardson]

Thank you Rrichardson.

Curious what the help was...

[rrichardson in reply to Yipeyul]

God changed my heart over time, but initially I sought counseling and saw a psychiatrist. As a child I was forced into counseling which did me no good. When I found a place on my own I didn't like the counselor. I had a had experience at first and then I found another counselor which worked out well. In order to be successful in counseling, it has to be on your own terms and not forced. It's like AA, you have to admit you need the help and be committed to changing.