I’ve often realized that when my anxiety kicks in, it stems from something reminding me of a past mistake I’ve made. Whether it’s a lie I’ve told, or something I did when I was a kid, whatever the mistake, the same level of anxiety occurs and takes over my entire day and sometimes my week.
I ruminate, catastrophize, linger, and think these things are going to come back to me and ruin everything good in my life. That I’m a bad person, and I should be labeled as such. I know I’m a good person, and I’m human, but why do I label myself and think my past mistakes are what define me, and anything good I’ve done means nothing at all?
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sh0526
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Absolutely. It’s as if these past mistakes won’t leave my mind until I make it right, even though there’s no real way to make it right. Mistakes from almost twenty years ago, or maybe a year ago just all feel the same, and make me feel like a terrible person.
Meanwhile, I turn on the news and see criminals doing terrible things, and wonder, “How could I feel guilty about my mistakes no one really cares about except me, when there’s people doing these terrible crimes and there is actual bad people in the world?” It’s rough.
are those mistakes mendable? I mean, it's normal to have unfinished business with yourself, nothing wrong in you for that, i just wanted to understand what mistakes worry you so much?
guilt like you describe it's the emotion we feel when we want to repair something we did, it's only damaging to us, when it's not porportional to the mistake, or if it's not a matter of guilt, to feel guilty for, but you interpreted it as your fault, like f.exemple, many people say sorry i was sick couldn't come, like here there is nothing to appologise, because you can't be guilty for being sick, so guilt sometimes occurs to, to protect our image, what we perceive others will think, to feel less shamefull towards others, a protection of rejection, and it's not protective, bcs people will eventually not respect you so much or see you in a different light, bcs you say sorry for nothing. So, is it really you blaming yourself, or what you think others will think? And see if what others think aligns with your values, on why you did x and y. Because sometimes we label "mistakes" to decisions that in that time, were the only ones we could make.
I'm literally dealing with the same, I feel I've been dealt a bad set of cards and being punished for being born!! Even though I'm 56 😪 I'm a good person, single and this time of year makes it worse. My son hasn't spoken to me for 4yrs now although I've tried to reconcile, the term black sheep resonates so much. I never thought that I would be in this position, lonely single, no family who give a damn and my only son carries on without any empathy so I wonder what am I still here for 😢
You are not alone. You have everyone here, and while we may all be strangers, we are all on the same team dealing with our struggles together. We are here for each other. I’m so sorry to here you are struggling, and the issues with your son. This may be a tough time of year for you, but I see that dog in your profile picture, and it looks like you have a companion to keep you company in those times of feeling lonely. As for the human interaction, while this is a tough time of year for you, there are many opportunities to meet new people, such as volunteering at a homeless shelter, wrapping presents, or if you work maybe connect with coworkers a little more personally.
Just know that if you ever need support to come on here and there will be people here for you. I would like to also add that therapy is a great resource as well. I wish you all the best, and I’m sending positive vibes your way.
Thanks so much for your reply it means so much. My 3yr old dog has been my saviour, she knows when I'm upset or feeling ill bless her. I've had lots of therapy in the past but there is such a long waiting list now due to the Covid situation. I have a good doctor who I need to see before Xmas and he's very good at pushing me forward for therapy...Thanks so much for your reply xx
Thank you for putting this out there. It's something that a lot of us deal with. You've taken the first step : you asked for help. You've gotten insightful feedback here, so I'll keep it simple.
First, I do try to make amends for the past whenever it's possible.
I keep a list, I do my best, and then I cross it out. With a sharpie.
IMO, I want things from the past to remain confidential. Those things I tell only to my therapist. She's there to listen to me without judgment. She's there to listen to my apology if I can no longer apologize in person.
I no longer talk about shameful things with family, because they can't hear about them without judging me. They love me. But they're literally unable to just listen without assigning fault.
I do find this chat very supportive, but I keep the details to myself. It's in the Cloud.
I love your idea of using your skills to help others. Doing something for others in need is one of the best ways of alleviating anxiety and depression. You have a lot to offer, with your talents and as a human being. You are not defined by the things you worry about. Do something for someone else, and let that carry you. Be reminded of the "self" that you like.
I've been writing this down whenever I feel myself begin to ruminate. Maybe it will help you as well.
"If it's out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too."
I think a lot of it is just moments in time where you’re not thinking things all the way through. For instance, as a teenage and choosing to go with other friends to vandalize property. You don’t think it all the way through. Sure, lots of kids have done that before, and your friends are doing it, so it just seems natural. My father has even told stories about him doing such things when he was a teenager.Now, around twenty years later I have my own property and I could see how upset I would be if someone thought it was funny to vandalize my property.
I’ve often thought about volunteering to make a community look better. I’m good with hands when it comes to trades, so I thought maybe I can help fix or restore parts of a community in need of volunteers for a project.
sh0526, i think it's actually healthy you feel guilty, it's a way of you recognizing you did actually made a mistake. And people make mistakes, you can feel guilty for having a mistake, there is nothing wrong with feeling guilty, don't try to run from that guilt, feel it, and let yourself process all the emotions that come from that (sadness, anger, resentment for things not being diferent), and then, let that guilt go, recognizing that because of those mistakes, you learned diferently. Belive in your ability to change, we all get better because we make mistakes, mistakes are part of the sucess, there is no such thing as one without the other, in all of our lives, many of us make mistakes, the diference is, some of us recognize them, and assume what we did, and do diferent next time, you don't need to volunteer to free yourself from that guilt, recognizing it and not hiding it, realizing that now you do it diferently. You are amazing for having changed, like the seasons, nothing is permanent, and we are not also, and in life everything changes, sometimes we get side blinded because it's like that experience is our whole life, but no, life is not constant or the same, you are not there anymore, nor you will be, again, and you don't have to fear that also. Or fear it will happen to you, if it happens to you, you can now, call the police and don't empathize, although you recognize that you also did it, you know it's wrong, holding ourselves accountable for our mistakes it's also a sign of self love, and improvment. We don't need to be perfect, but we can outgrow behaviors, not changing who we are, but the behaviors we know don't work for ourselves anymore.
It takes practice to accept our emotions, and then move towards our own values, and disconnect automatic thinking from intention. Be patient with yourself in the process, and share your experience (when confortable), with other people, i belive people will be compassionate towards you, it's not only good to find people who support you, but good sources of support, find someone who you belive it's not judgmental, and share your worries, it's not abnormal to feel disconnected when we feel an outcast due to our mistakes, because we tend to have amplified reactions to our own mistakes, but it doens't necessarily mean that is actually true. Try to think also about the critic voices you have that judge you on that situation, and realize that our mind judges, and labels, but no mistake is unforgivable, specially yours, i belive that for you having damaged people's lives must weigh on you, but if it weighs it means you are human, and you don't want to harm. I belive in that time, that was not your intention, probably you were trying to fit in, so intentions matter too.
and see, if your intention back there was to fit in for exemple, your value, that you belive it's crossed (damaging people's lives) is not applicable, because it was not your intention, although it was a consequence. So, it could also clarify to you, that you are not as bad as you think you are try to get clear on why, and trust your reasons, we can fail by negligence, or by intention, and this are different scenarios. And most of the people who commit real crimes, and have serious problems, are intentional about causing pain. You are not that.
Simply because of depression. Relapse is a thing. It definitely is. It hits the moment you've least expected it to.
Depression is a part of the soul, mind and body. Like one cannot separate all 3 of these from oneself, one cannot separate depression from oneself.
The problem is that we need constant support from the people surrounding us. Although, we don't ask for it but this is something that the others should be considerate for. Unfortunately, they aren't.
However, with constant support too, one can have relapse. It's just the way, the body deals.
If your family supports you, you may ask them to boost you up during the times they sense you going low, without you knowing as the brain is really clever, it will boom back the moment it realises that they are trying to buck you up!
So better have a conversation with them about your feelings and you may come back from the feeling of relapse in a few hours, if not days 🫂
Thank you for the advice. Reading your response, I wonder if what I am struggling with is in fact depression, because I do find myself looking for support by surrounding myself with family and friends. I also notice how much I want there to be plans even if my family and I are going to walk around the mall, I feel it may help lessen these negative feelings.
These negative feelings come and go so fast. One second I feel terrible, and the next I’ll feel good and want to continue on with my day.
It could be that you are suffering from depression and need to investigate and process the repressed emotions from your past which can help you heal. You may also benefit from medication at least temporarily to help you. A lot of us have carried shame and repressed our emotions from our past and have found it difficult to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made when we didn't know better. By healing the shame and emotional pain we are more able to forgive ourselves and accept ourselves and this reduces or eliminates the anxiety.
Shame and regrets are feelings I know very well. I never reach the point I can forgive and forget. Those feelings are always there, ready to spoil any moment of joy I could experience.
I can absolutely relate to you. Sometimes the smallest things like a commercial will remind me of something, and I can feel my anxiety skyrocket. It’s tough, but medication and therapy I feel have been a big help. I read constantly how much exercise and meditation help as well, so I definitely want to add those to my daily routine. It also helps to have a great support system like family and friends, or even this page. Just know you are not alone.
here is my reply to sh0526, not sure if you will see it: One of the turning points of my healing was investigating where a lot of my shame came from and realizing it was not my shame but the shame of the perpetrators who inflicted it on me. I assumed it was my shame because I was too young at the time and didn't know better but it wasn't ever mine, it was theirs and always was. This helped me put it into context and redirect it and reframe it which helped in my healing and being able to let the emotional charge go.
I see three different objects for shame and regret:
- what others have done to you
- what you have done
- and what you are.
I mostly have that third king of regrets. I don't know and never knew how to react or what to say to be heard and simply not being always invisible. I often think I was not meant to survive in our society, where competitiveness and aggressiveness are valuable qualities.
I don’t mean to be cliche, but you have to take it one day at a time. It always helps to be in the present, and try your best not to compare yourself to others. Those are not easy tasks, but we are all a team here, and can help each other.
You're welcome. It could be that you are a HSP (highly sensitive person) as I am and couldn't relate to the conventional competitiveness and aggressiveness of our society. I leaned a lot more to the arts and cultural aspects of society and actually relate much better to women than to men. It could also be that you are suffering from low-self-esteem/self-worth which could cause you to feel like you needed to hide and be invisible. A lot of us were never parented or taught how to love ourselves and were even shamed and punished for showing any signs of being proud of ourselves or trying to stand up for ourselves. We also took on programming and beliefs from our parents, family, culture and society that we assumed in order to survive that may or may not be true or fit us anymore. Becoming aware of those and investigating them and deciding which ones still work for us and getting rid of the ones that don't can be very helpful and healing. There is a lot of good info on youtube about this and healing your self-esteem/self-worth and reclaiming a healthy you, it's definitely possible to do it.
Thank you for the advice. I’m currently on a medication, but I’m hoping tomorrow at my doctors appointment I can have something a little more effective.
You're welcome. One of the turning points of my healing was investigating where a lot of my shame came from and realizing it was not my shame but the shame of the perpetrators who inflicted it on me. I assumed it was my shame because I was too young at the time and didn't know better but it wasn't ever mine, it was theirs and always was. This helped me put it into context and redirect it and reframe it which helped in my healing and being able to let the emotional charge go.
Be sure you are not alone feeling that way. Each time I have "something" to happen, I will compare it, inconsciously, to what I already lived in my life and take the worst result as "standards" and as results of this "to arrive" thing. With such behaviour I know that I downgrande the results in advance. The worst of the past becomes the best of the future.
To - try - to solve this, I create mind maps of what I have to do and detail each step and the result if may achieve to.
It does not work each time but, during the "thing", I can refer to this map and know where I am in the "cause / consequence" tree and try to fix what's wrong.
Oh, also ... If we all are here talking about anxiety, there is a reason, isn't there ?
On a sheet of paper, you write a goal. For example, say "catch a fish".
Then, you start from anywhere on the sheet, and you write each step you go through from now to the catch. Whether you succeed or not is important, what is important are the different steps and the fact that each of those steps are a different try or test for something that you consider as needed to go from "today" to "fish catched".
I may document a bit more if you like, just let me know if you need or want it and I will be thankfull helping you.
Wow I do that so often! It's such torture! It was pointed out to me that the inner critic always wants to accuse us! We are not meant to live under a cloud of accusation and misery! All we can do is to make amends when possible, forgive ourselves and forget it and move on! No wonder we get depressed when this wrong thinking isn't challenged and corrected. Give yourself a break from the condemnation and try to enjoy your day!💗
Thanks for your advice. It’s good to know you’re not alone, and others feel this way as well, and with that comes all kinds of methods and strategies in conquering this issues.
Although this reply is for sh0526, it is for everyone on this forum who have responded or reacted in any way.
Guilt, feeling guilty, being guilty...... Shame, feeling shame, being shamed.....such dreadful feelings that pull each one of us down to the pits, and so unnecessary! We experience all sorts of negative feelings, we're unable to sleep, some of us are unable to eat, some on the other hand comfort eat, thus making ourselves physically unfit to cope and function adequately, this is to name just a few symptoms of guilt. In whichever process we take we do ourselves harm. I have counselled many people over a 40 year period of time, people who have been wracked by guilt over things they have said or done. I have officiated at funerals of people who have 'committed the ultimate sin' they have taken their own lives, they have been put at peace in Christ.
I too, have done some really awful things to family and friends in my lifetime. I know that feeling so well, of helplessness, of having no hope, feeling disgusted with myself, ashamed of my thoughts, words, deeds, weeping the hot salty tears of gloom and doom.
I shall be 75 in less than a month, I am an Anglican minister of religion, from UK; I work with people from all over the world who are in need of healing for their guilt. I couldn't do this work had I not been forgiven for my own mis-doings. It took a long while of being counselled and helped by 'others, who also have been forgiven much.' And BOY! was it hard work!
How did I reach this point of forgiveness? Of forgiving others, forgiving myself and accepting forgiveness - then moving on - guilt free, until the next I err - which because I am human I still do, but I seek forgiveness sooner rather than later.
Two thousand years + ago, in Jerusalem, a young 33 year old totally innocent man was nailed to a crude piece of wood, in the shape of a cross, and left on it to die. I know this is true, not only because my Bible tells me, but also because this event was well documented at the time by credible witnesses, and those parchment documents are still in existence.
His name was Jesus, and He came to us specifically to release us from our guilt and sin. I'm sure you have all heard of Him at sometime in your lives.
Some of you will already be believers, others not, and will probably mock my words - this is your choice - but He has healed me and forgiven me so much over many years, I feel that forgiveness! - It is in contrast to the feeling of guilt and doom. The state of being forgiven, being 'guilt free' is unbelievable and I find at times it difficult to articulate. But I have to say what is truth, not only my truth but God's truth. Please believe me - or try to believe me, what He has done for me, He wants to do for you also, if only you will let Him.
I feel now a tremendous privilege being allowed to come alongside others in need, I also feel that Jesus has allowed me a 'few splinters of the wood from His cross, this is a way of sharing His pain and suffering.'
Now is the season we celebrate again the birth of the infant child who went on to become the sacrifice for all people - no matter who, no matter where, no matter our skin colour, we are all One to Him. I would like to urge each person who feels weighted down by guilt and sin to reach out to Jesus and allow Him into your lives. This is a genuine opportunity to accept forgiveness. There is no cost, but there may be great rewards. Just give Him a try.
I hope I have not offended anyone here, but make no apology for my faith and sharing these words.
It is said, As Jesus was hanging on his cross, someone called up to him and said, 'Jesus, how much do you love me?' At this Jesus - with all the strength he could muster - stretched his arms and said, 'This much.' Then He died! That is how much He loves us. Please don't let His death be in vain -
Whatever has been said or done, cannot be altered. Best thing to do is forgive yourself and move on past it, apologising if necessary, As humans, we cannot live in the past, too much rumination will destroy us mentally. We can't change what we have done, just try not to do it again.
There is a little rhyme I find helpful. 'Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, All we have is the Present and that is a Gift.'
To break it down, You cannot change what has been done, Don't worry too much about what is coming, because what will be, will be. Just take each day as it comes as a gift.
yes don’t let you’re past define you reality dwelling on that consciousness depletes you’re energy and negative emotions which causes that pain of restlessness stress that is a disorder of the physical and mental awareness and clarity leave the past behind or flip it over with resonating the self esteem replacing the courage of self empathy feeling of sensuality self worth replacement positive change stepping away from it let be buried left behind with the turmoil which you don’t need restless thoughts
I have the same problem. I feel my family suffers because of my sins. Made me anxious. I don’t understand and pray it will stop someday but I am. 70. It may stop only when I die.
Age is just a number my friend. You telling us your issue is you acknowledging you believe you have an issue, and that tells me you have the will to want to grow and change. The best advice I’ve received lately is be in the now. Think of all of the things you have in front of you. You have family, friends, a home, maybe a car, or a hobby, collection or job. Tell yourself each day one thing you are grateful for in life.
One tip that’s helped me with my OCD lately is singing. It sounds crazy, but when I sing a song in my head or even out loud while I’m doing things I know will trigger my OCD, it usually helps me forget about it completely. Thanks for your response, and remember that we are all a team here, and we can get through any together.
I see a lot of good replies here. I understand those feelings well. Shame is taking something you did that you feel guilt for but also internalizing and criticizing yourself over. Determining that you are a bad person because you haven't forgiven yourself regardless of what it is. I struggle with this all of the time and also have depression and anxiety. You have to forgive yourself and give yourself compassion just as you would to someone else. Easier said than done but I am also trying to do this. Give yourself a break if you can. It's tough.
I do the same thing. It consumes me and I will beat myself up for awhile. I know that I have been a good person too but the past mistakes always beat me down
We must be twins. You have described my misery to a "t". We live in a shame based culture. We were raised in shame based families. We are taught to be ashamed of our bodies, our houses, our clothes and our accomplishments or lack there of. Shame is debilitating. It is suffocating. Say to yourself: I am not the person I was then. Keep working at freeing yourself from pathological shame. Any improvement is worth your efforts. "Breathe in, breathe out, move in". Keep posting.
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Tired of Anxiety and feeling Guilty.. 
I feel guilty for feeling happy 
I’m grateful but feeling guilty
i want help
What's this feeling? 
