Need to talk

[Dreamie]

This is my first day coming across this site. I’m at a place where I need to talk about how I feel. I don’t feel like I can talk to the people in my life for many reasons including that I feel like I’ve already burdened them enough over the years with the same stuff. This depression and anxiety stuff. I am not in therapy at this time because I cannot afford it and also because sometimes I just can’t talk about it and I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to be home.

I am 51 years old and have had depression for more than half my life. Then anxiety and panic cane to join me about 8 years ago. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my depression and anxiety over the years but unfortunately I don’t do what I know I should and I do what I know I should not do too often. So I don’t manage very well. I want to do better. I intend to do better. But I have little faith in myself.

Right now I feel like I am at a point that if I don’t make some changes my life is going to fall apart. I am going to fall apart. I finally have a job that I feel good about. It took me a long time to get here. I don’t want to lose it. I also have 2 beautiful children who mean the world to me. One is 20 and has her own place near me. The other is graduating high school this week and moving an hour away for college. I don’t get to see and talk to my children as much as I would like. I miss them terribly but due to my mental state I tend to not pursue the interaction with them that I miss so much. I have been isolating myself for a long time now. My relationship with my husband isn’t very good. I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like I cannot talk to him at all. He is over the top and dominates the conversation and just does not understand. Also he seems to hate his life and is so intensely negative that just listening to him brings me down even further and increases my anxiety.

Today I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t think I even can accomplish anything even if I felt like it. The disorder in my house and all around me has become totally overwhelming. I hate living with the clutter and disorder but no matter how much time I have to tame this beast I cannot do it. I’ve tried believe me. I just can’t. For me it’s challenging enough just to wash laundry and take baths and eat.

I don’t really have a question to ask. I just want to connect with someone who can relate and receive a bit of encouragement.

That’s it for now. Thank you for reading

[EleanorRose]

Hi Dreamie,

Welcome to the site, so glad you have found this forum, there are lots of supportive and understanding people here. You don't need to have a question, it can be good just to 'vent' on here sometimes.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of what is going on for you at the moment, which I always think is a good starting point.

I can empathise with that feeling of not wanting to do anything and just feeling like you 'can't'. I find on those days it can be helpful to focus on one small goal - which could just be getting dressed - be proud of yourself for your successes, even when it feels like no one else is. Forwards is forwards regardless of how 'big' the step is.

I am probably the 'opposite' of you in that I had the anxiety first and the depression came after. Anxiety can be awful and I have found that people who haven't experienced it for themselves can find it hard to truly understand, which is frustrating at times, fortunately there are lots of understanding people in life and many of them can be found on forums like these.

I bet your children would really love to speak with you more, too. Why not send your eldest daughter a message today, even if it is something simple? No pressure to leave the house or 'do' anything, but an achievable goal for the day.

Eleanor

[Dreamie in reply to EleanorRose]

Eleanor, thank you so much for your kind and supportive words and thoughts. It’s now 3:00 and I am still lying in bed. Can’t sleep but just lying here. I’ve been listening to a book off and on. I’ve been having mini panic attacks. And yes anxiety is awful. I think I can at least take a shower and get dressed shortly. And I can text my children. This will have to be good enough for this day. Again thank you for being an understanding voice for me today. 💗

[nate410]

Hey Dreamie, while I'm in a different stage in life then you, (I'm 21) I understand and can relate to how you feel. I've struggled with depression since 9th grade and last year started getting anxiety attacks. Understanding what I'm going through from a therapist standpoint and knowing "what I need to do" has not been a cure all. The feeling of just wanting to tell someone, or have someone take interest or just someone to connect to is relateable. To just have someone to open up to, someone to cry on has been bigger for me than someone giving good advice. Yet even though I know this is good for me, many times I shut out everyone in my life, both the people who would'nt understand and the people who would. I know for myself, that if I don't do something to change myself, I'm going down a road of self-destruction, yet I continue to isolate myself and give into temptations and addictions. I'm writing this because I think I can relate to how you feel. At times feeling alone, depressed, people don't understand, knowing I should be doing better and can do better but still falling, just wanting to do nothing and sit around and give in and most of all just wishing their was someone to open up to who would care and understand. So keep strong and slowly make big-small steps. Posting on this forum is a big step in opening up, talking to people and connecting.

[Dreamie in reply to nate410]

I am deeply touched by your response to my post. It’s a huge burden to carry this pain all alone and yet depression tends to cause us to isolate. So perhaps it will be good to have this forum as a tool to connect with others at least a little. I hate to know that someone as young as you are is struggling with this heavy load. I also know about addictions as myself have issues with alcohol. Sometimes I do alright, but other times not. The worst part is that alcohol makes my depression and anxiety a lot worse. All I can say is that I know that things always do eventually get better. Depression and anxiety ebbs and flows. And we can help ourselves and others to some degree along the way by learning what helps or hurts us and being supportive of others who also live with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing with me and for supporting me! 💗

[Hopenlove]

Me too, Dreamie. I am 59 now. Thank you for sharing your story and expressing your feelings about it. You sound tired of living with this disorder. I am too. What can we still do to improve the quality of our lives? I am tired of even thinking about it. I had the same type of husband. I divorced him last year. Boy was that hard! Although he triggered my anxiety and depression, it was a normal way of life for 43 years. I find change to be unsettling and anxiety inducing. My kids are grown too. I also hid my disorder from them while raising them, but told them about it in 2013 when I was in a very bad anxiety episode. They don’t understand it and have been kind but think I should be able to control it and think my way out of it. Your story is similar to mine in a few ways, I think. I am praying for both of us. Today is already starting with fear and I hate it very much. I have things I can do to ease it off but it is always there. I will work on clearing and organizing my workshop today. Take my dog for a walk and visit with neighbors. They will not detect my anxiety and depression because I can keep it inside, and you probably can do this too. My heart goes out to you for soldiering on by yourself mostly though this anxiety and depression illness. I have done the same. We will move forward one day at a time. It does get better. We know this. And we are not alone in this. Much love and cyber hugs to you.

[Hopenlove]

This is hopenlove again. This may help you: yesterday, overwhelmed by all I needed to do but barely able to do anything because of the depression, I tried doing one thing at a time for me by saying this: “is this best for nan?” You can insert your own name. So, I need to clean my car out but I am too overwhelmed by it. I say to myself, “it is best for nan to take the trash out her car.” After that, I will ask if it is good for me to also wash it. Follow me? I have been trying it and so far it is helping. Meanwhile, you aren’t alone even though you isolate yourself. Me and so many others like us are here too.

[Marisa04]

Honey it's okay. I've been in bed all day and feel I can't do much. I've been crying on and off but I know this is just a season we go through. I think we go through these things to help others suffering from this as well. Sending you love and prayers ❤