I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year. I started seeing a therapist and have made major headway in learning the root causes of my low mood/low self esteem [daddy issues, sexual assault and narcissistic abuse (all different people btw)]. Anyway, things started to get a lot better for me. I got out more, hung out with friends, got into a new relationship and sorta-kinda started to let go of my perfectionism. My group of friends/bf are amazing and they've pushed me to follow my dreams: which involved me quitting my job, moving, going back to school and (temporarily) living on my savings to support myself. I talked the idea over with my therapist and she also thought that I was ready. So I took the plunge. But, since being in this new place, I feel so alone. All of those depression symptoms are seeping back in. I tell myself that there's nothing special about me, and there's no way I'll get even a part time job. I'm constantly seeking reassurance from my boyfriend. And, when I realize I'm doing this, I fear that he'll think I'm insecure and walk away. And as a whole, the thought that I've royally screwed my life is slowly creeping in. Part of me, is like "hey, you took a leap of faith, I'm proud of you" and that one voice is like "you will die broke and alone."
Just wanted to see if anyone else out there is going through anything similar.
My apologies for the super long post.
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summerdaysmiles
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Firstly, welcome and thank you for posting a bit about yourself! I want to commend you on being so proactive with your life and using such healthy methods to cope with your depression. None of those decisions are easy for someone who has both anxiety and depression, I have the utmost respect for you.
Despite all your accomplishments, I am saddened to hear that you're relapsing a bit now. Something I want you to keep in mind is you did A LOT and that still counts! None of the steps you took were in vain even though you're feeling this way now. Being somewhere new is scary for anyone. You're away from a lot of comforts you once had, so it's starting over new.
Is your boyfriend aware of your depression and anxiety? If he really loves you, he will not abandon you. If he does, it's not a reflection on you as some people can not cope with such feelings and that's OK. It just means we need to find someone more suited to our needs. But that's a problem you shouldn't concern yourself with for now if possible. Though I know that's like asking you to just stop caring, so forgive me if that came off too harshly.
Anyway, I can sympathize with you on having both depression and anxiety. Definitely not easy to have both for their own barbaric reasons. I am always available to talk if you need it!
Welcome to the site. I identify totally with the feeling of euphoria which came when I started to come out of my depression and anxiety. I felt like a thoroughbred escaping from the starting gate. I wanted to jump right back into my life.
I’m certainly not judging you for making so many changes so soon. After all, you discussed it with your therapist and her professional opinion matters. With change, however, comes fear and self doubt (for me anyway). You wouldn’t be human if there was no apprehension. Taking risks is scary, but without them I’d stay stuck.
You can always make more changes as time goes on, as you will. I, too, applaud you for your “leap of faith.” Now try to continue to have faith in your decisions. You don’t need reassurance from humans about your adult decisions. You’ll succeed in some things and have set backs in other areas.
Due to my depression and anxiety disorder, I expect to live with a certain amount of fear and senses of sadness and doom. In fact, I’ll make a joke about it with myself and say, “I’m doomed.” The dramatic notion inherent in the statement makes me laugh. How the hell do I know what the future holds?
We all may die broke and alone. The human condition overwhelmingly to our fragile brains. Put one foot in front of the other and have faith all is well - as best as you can. God didn’t bring you this far to drop you now. Don’t believe the crap your disease tells you. Keep posting and reporting on your feelings here. You’ll receive more support than you can imagine! You can PM me anytime. Lynne 😎
Somewhat similar to you, but on a smaller scale, I took a step and made a decision recently (changed jobs, started working remotely by myself). It has been very hard for me to adjust. I have always been very nervous about my work, and it turns out that working alone only exacerbates that. My anxiety attacks got way worse.
I went to therapy and learned to cope (by experiencing many anxiety attacks), and things have improved. But still there is a background noise of guilt about my anxiety: how I'm not like normal people, how it is affecting my husband, etc. On thing I found that helps a bit with this recently is to remember to be compassionate toward myself. I was always taught to take responsibility for myself, to not have self-pity, to have a stiff upper lip. (Like you, I am a perfectionist, heh.) But I've realized that doesn't mean I don't deserve comfort when dealing with something tough.
You have done a lot of great things for yourself, but now you're in a new environment dealing with tough new challenges, and facing uncertainty about the future. *Of course* you'd be feeling lots of worry and be a bit down sometimes. Who wouldn't?? You're allowed to feel fear, sadness, *and* insecurity! Your boyfriend, and all of humanity, feels these things too, at times. Remember before going into problem-solving-mode to stop and recognize your own pain, and comfort yourself for it.
If it seems like it would be helpful to you, the book "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff has been a great read for me, regarding this.
Beware of the negative self talk. It gets me every time. The voice that says your not good enough or that you are going to fail. Push it out of your mind and move forward with the plan. You will miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Just believe in yourself.
Thank u for sharing this. Im proud of you that u sought out help and got through your struggles. That is a huge accomplishment.
In my opinion, I think what you are feeling is totally OK. And you can go through it. You are going through a new transition and it's normal to feel out of place and negative feelings. Totally normal. However, you know yourself now, and you know that your coping mechanism is to go to that part of you that will bring you down. Please do not allow that part to drive the bus for your life. Your true self drives the bus not your defense mechanism.
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