New Here - Empty Nest Is Killing Me

[SadMommy]

Hello,

Back in June, my two daughters moved out...one got married and the other moved with two roommates. Plus my job had to cut my hours drastically. My depression and the anxiety kicked in. Bouts of crying and feelings of dizziness like I'm going to pass out when I go to stores, meet a friend for tea, or just at home. I thought time would take care of everything, but it just got worse. I tried one therapist for three sessions, but she just had me talk about my kids when they were little and wanted me to do job quizzes. I wanted CBT training or something to end the anxiety. My younger daughter moved back home for a couple of months, but left today to move to another state with her boyfriend. We had two weeks notice for this move! She quit her job and everything. I'm close with my daughters and this is destroying me.

[Dolphin14]

It's hard when the nest empties. But, we have to let them go and grow.

When my nest emptied out I went back to school. You have to find things to keep you busy.

Now it's time to enjoy the next chapter in your daughters lives. It's also time to begin a new chapter of our own.

[SadMommy in reply to Dolphin14]

I know, I've been telling myself that, but I don't see any point now. My job is done.

[Dolphin14 in reply to SadMommy]

Another job? Volunteer?

Do something you always wanted to do but never had time for?

[SadMommy in reply to Dolphin14]

Nothing sounds good at all anymore. Things I use to like just seem like a waste. I know it's depression, but that's how I feel.

[Dolphin14 in reply to SadMommy]

I understand. It's hard to let go and find a new life and purpose. We were always " somebody's mother"

Now we are ourselves. I did feel a huge loss of purpose.

[Afrohair]

So sorry about this my mum had similar feelings when I moved out as were very close I had children young and she feels as though she’s missed spending time with me I had my first at 19 and 2 more at 28 and 30 I also moved out at 19 she then got a divorce from her husband and thought she would start a new chapter with her life going travelling and out with friends she then got diagnosed with vascular dementia aged 51 and has no one nor has met anyone else she try’s to do things with her local church and we keep in touch via phone and FaceTime perhaps you could try this I enjoy my conversation with my mum .my mum is so lost cause now she cannot even work and she is only early stages of her illness but it can get so lonley .you don’t mention if you have a partner to talk to maybe you could talk to your partner about how your feeling xx

[SadMommy in reply to Afrohair]

I do have a spouse who misses them too, but isn't devastated like me, My girls and I just did so much together and now it's almost like a death...or more like someone divorcing you that you still totally love and like.

[Afrohair in reply to SadMommy]

I’m so sorry you feel that way what me and my mum do is we set a date and time each week so we can have mum and daughter time each week is their anyway you could do that to keep in touch or some other way I’m guessing your in America as you said state so I guess it’s a little harder here in the uk it’s not as awkward to travel could you try face timing them I know it’s difficult and I always wonder how I will be when my nest empties I don’t want them to grow up and even want another baby now the last one is going to school I don’t see myself being anything other than a mother but now I don’t know if I can have anymore cause of my health you could write them letters to keep in touch also that would be nice get some special writing paper even if it’s just a bit of fun xx

[Afrohair in reply to Afrohair]

Maybe you could do more with your partner also to fill the gap

[SadMommy in reply to Afrohair]

He doesn't like really going and doing anything. And now with my anxiety...I'm having a hard time doing things myself.

[SadMommy in reply to Afrohair]

My eldest is good at texting me, but my youngest isn't. It's just so different. They say stuff like we'll still go on vacation together, but I know it's not going to happen. My eldest took her honeymoon and just booked a vacation overseas with her husband in fall. I kept trying to get her to go with me on one in January, but she says no that she doesn't want to take off of work even if I paid for everything. And she's my daughter that "tries" to see me. My other one is a free spirit and I don't know when I'll see her.

[SHCM]

Im going thru the same thing, being away from my kids is killing me too, miss them so much. they were my life and now I don't know how to function with out them. I wish you can find a way to deal with loneliness.

[Christina527]

I see that you wrote this a few years ago. Can you tell me how things are now ? I just don’t have will to live without them anymore. Are things possible to improve. Please be honest

[SadMommy in reply to Christina527]

Hello, Yes, I'm doing a lot better! I'm not constantly crying and my heart aching. I still don't like that my kids are gone, but am more used to it. I had to grieve the death of the life we had together. I never see my youngest because she lives in a different state, never calls, and barely texts. (I know it's not personal though.) I see my eldest about once or twice a month, but of course, it's always with her boyfriend. I'm even going on a vacation next month by myself which is a huge step. I had to start living life again.

[Christina527]

thanks so much for sharing. I feel like I won’t survive it and it scares me so much

[SadMommy in reply to Christina527]

I definitely felt the same way! People will tell you to find new hobbies, get a job, find friends, etc...

My problem was that I didn't want to move on (and really still don't). I wanted my daughters and life back to how it was. They were my friends even though I was their mom. It's hard to go from being around someone 20+ years to rarely seeing/talking to that person. I look at the feelings as if someone divorces someone else, but still comes around when they want/need something.

The way I got through is just taking it one day (hour) at a time. I tried to distract myself to the point I couldn't think, exercised more, and found something to look forward to every day...even if it was a cup of hot chocolate.