Anxious about Friend

[Naturelover58]

I have a lifelong friend who has been going through some mental health issues for a few years now. About 2 years ago, she became angry with me over a phone call and accused me of not being supportive of her-that I am not the friend that she is etc.. We talked it over, but for the last two years, the issue has come up more than once. Her therapist has said that she isn't being fair with me and my friend has told me that she needs this. Once again, my friend has told me that I am not there for her, although I have been there as much as I could. I spoke to her one day twice about a crisis that she was undergoing and she is extremely upset that I didn't call her that same night to check in with her. I thought e-mail contact rather than phone contact would be helpful for now, but this morning she sent me another message again about various events in her life that she feels that I have once again failed to be there for her. I find the resulting anxiety crippling as the messages to me continually are about how I am not the friend that she is and how I am failing to support her. I have seen a counselor who advised me to tell her how I felt, which I did. My friend has been telling me that the events in her life are so very stressful and that I have walked away, but I feel that our friendship is being controlled by her and by me not acting in the way that she wants, I am failing her as a friend. My contact with her is continually anxiety provoking which I have told her. I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you.

[kenster1]

hi firstly sorry to hear about your friends troubles I hope with therapy she can come through her difficult times.to me it sounds like your doing your level best to support her and she maybe over relying on you but that can come at a price for you because your health may suffer due to it.if you could come to an agreement say meet once a week maybe even chat on the phone once or twice a week that would be enough.you have a life of your own to live as well and I think its great your reaching out to her.

[Naturelover58 in reply to kenster1]

Thanks for your reply Kenster1. I have communicated to my friend about how I feel in our relationship and she has replied that I have continually not been supportive to her in the last few years, that my life is "too busy" for her. The truth of the situation is that when she has lashed out at me several times in the last few years, I have gone into self-protective mode unconsciously and just not called her as often because I never know what her mood is going to be like when she answers the phone. When I've tried to tell her how I feel, she has replied with the many ways that I have let her down. I like your idea of the once a week chat-that gives us both time to figure out what the other person is saying and time to just not be as anxious about the whole situation. Thank you.

[hypercat54]

Hi I agree with Ken. I cringe when I see members on here wanting someone to be there 100% for them as this isn't realistic and can only lead to disappointment. It seems you could be either your friends only or main support. Mental health issues can make someone 'selfish' in not recognising that we all have our own struggles and need support sometimes too.

I am not having a go at your friend as 'selfishness' can be part and parcel of the illness. I can only advise you that maybe you need to back away a bit and let her know that there is only so much you can handle. Can you encourage her to get other support even if only professional? I wish you luck anyway. x

[Hidden]

That's very unfortunate. But I agree with the other two responses. Your health is far more important and you are not her therapist, you're her friend. It sounds like her expectations are unrealistic and she is not respecting anything you're saying. If this person isn't giving you anything that benefits you in the friendship, it might be best to cut contact with them or limit it. That way you don't feel so drained and the friendship can be more on your terms.

It's not healthy to have someone that demanding in your life like hypercat mentioned; no one can be at your beck and call 24/7. I hope you're able to get this sorted out.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Hidden]

Update-My friend and I went to see a counselor about a month ago. I felt that the counselor was neutral. At one point in time, the counselor had said to my friend that on the one occasion that is contentious, that she felt that I had given my friend support by calling her when I was able to, and my friend rolled her eyes. She now has sent me a message that she is refusing to go to therapy with me, as the counselor gave no solid advice and seemed to support me and my friend sees no way of resolving this, so she is bowing out. Emotionally, at this point in time, this is for the best for my own mental health. I'll still keep those appointments that were made with the therapist. That won't hurt. Thank you. On advice from another friend, I have ordered the book 'Walking on Eggshells"about dealing with people with personality disorders.

[Naturelover58]

I have a black cat right in front of me as I am typing. I had gone to a counselor recently to discuss the issues and she told me much the same as you, that my friend was treating me like her own therapist. It's very hard because I know that she has so much anger directed at me, and this has been going on for the last two years. Because I didn't call her one night when she had a difficult time(and I had already spoken to her twice during the day), she is angry that I wasn't there when she needed me. Thank you Black Cat Girl and hypercat54. I believe that it will be best to step away somewhat and allow my friend to seek more help. She is seeing a therapist already, but maybe not listening as well as she could.

[Hidden in reply to Naturelover58]

Ha, how ironic! But in all seriousness, I think we are more concerned about your own stability given you deserve to have the help YOU need too. While I think what you are doing is very admirable, there is a limit to how much you should give to someone who gives you nothing in return. Please know that how your friend is reacting is by no means a reflection of you being a bad friend whatsoever. Much like hypercat said, she is suffering to a degree that doesn't allow her to see outside herself; she can only see her problems right now. Sounds like she may be in denial or isn't getting the type of help she needs. Either way, I do hope she is able to sort through her problems.

That being said, I give you the utmost credit for speaking to a therapist yourself and opening up here about it. It shows a great sign of maturity and kindness on your part to seek the best way to handle this. You have the patience of a saint.

[Naturelover58]

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and she said to me," Is it worth it to be constantly anxious about your relationship with your friend? Is this any sign of a good friendship that you are always feeling this way?" It's hard to explain but if you have been friends for a lifetime, and for the last two years for the first time ever, things have hit the skids and the person blames me for the fallout, there is a certain amount of self analysis to see where my involvement lies in this. It's taken me a year to realize that to continue in the manner where I tread really carefully with her, always knowing that the other shoe could fall, is not a way to live. My friend realizes that I have pulled away. I just came to the point that if I didn't say something to stand up for myself, I was only hurting myself. I do know that I have been her main confidante all these years, and I do worry about her. I also know that at this point in time, there are elements of a toxic relationship and I have no way of fixing this on my own. Thanks so much for your kind words.

[Naturelover58]

Update- My friend had asked me a couple of days ago if we could continue to send just general e-mail messages to each other for the next little while about things going on in our lives, but she told me as well that she couldn't deal with this situation in our friendship in any way right now. A few days went by and she sent me another note that she had thought of everything that I communicated to her and she realized that there were several toxic elements to our relationship right now and that she wants to spend the next year, focusing on the issues in her life that are causing problems in her relationships. She didn't tell me if she was going to do this through therapy or how this would be done. She also said that I could reply to her message but after that she wanted to pull away and work on what she needed to do. I did give a brief reply, stating that I wished her success and thanking her for letting me know. I think the best thing to do is to give her the space and time to work on this, but there is an element in my psyche that says that without any contact she may become further angered. I just feel for the most part that without giving her the opportunity to work on her issues, our friendship will resume it's toxicity. I want her in my life, but not the emotional fallout. Thankyou.