Update about Longtime Friend Issues

[Naturelover58]

I wrote here about 4 months ago, about a lifelong best friend who had been going through some difficult times in the last over 2 years, and had been accusing me of not supporting her. There have been some instances, where if I called her on the Friday, and the following Sunday, but missed calling her on the Saturday, due to having other issues going on, I have been accused of not supporting her in her crises. I finally spoke to her about the anxiety, this was causing me and we have laid low with our friendship over the last four months only with casual e-mails while we try to sort this through. I had suggested seeing a counselor with her for a few sessions, as this was the only way I could see a way of resolving this and she agreed. We have gone to a counselor so far, just the one time, but the anxiousness, that had been slowly decreasing over the last four months, has come back to some extent with the thought that my friend's expectations of me, being there for her at all costs is not what I can manage. She still sees me as not being supportive during the difficult times that she has had, and to be honest, over the last several months I had distanced myself in order to protect myself. The friendship that we had prior to the last two years, was incredible, but I feel that her needs now, supersede anything going on in my life. Just trying to figure out a way to make this work,if it can, without betraying my own needs.

[hypercat54]

Hi this is difficult isn't it. I cringe when I see members on here wanting a friend who will support them and always be there for them. It's not possible as you are saying with your friend's expectations of you. We all have problems and need support ourselves sometimes and have nothing to give to others. This is real life and not fantasy, so your friend will have to understand that, so please don't feel guilty or bad about it.

If she won't understand that then maybe for your own sake you will need to back off and relegate her more to the back burner. A healthy friendship is always give and take. A 'friend' who takes too much is exhausting and you need to give yourself some priority so you don't burn yourself out. x

[Naturelover58 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks so much for your reply hypercat54. My friend had agreed to attend a counselor with me, as that was the only way that I could see would be helping, but I still feel that her inability to see now, that unless it is 24/7 support, it is no support at all, is daunting. With having minimal contact over the last several months, I have been able to take a step back, which has been suprisingly helpful for me to see the situation with clarity. Sometimes, I still need a bit of tweaking though. Thank you so much.

[hypercat54 in reply to Naturelover58]

You are welcome x

[Naturelover58 in reply to hypercat54]

I hope that you don't mind that I add a bit more. Over the last over 4 months that we have mutually backed off the friendship, I've learned through reflection, that there have been elements of the friendship that had become toxic over the past couple of years, and that I need to establish boundaries to our friendship. This is what I am also understanding from your note that I may need to put her on the back burner. Prior to the last over 2 years, it was the best friendship that I could ever have asked for, but even so, I know that throughout our friendship, the boundaries have been gray as opposed to clear cut. My friend told the counselor that we had often spoken to each other 3-4 times a day over the years, but this is no longer the case(over the past couple of months). I have other people in my life as well, and I want to establish boundaries with her, provided we can work through the other problems. I just don't know if any of this is going to be okay with her, but for my sake I need this. I know that now. I don't want to lose the good aspects of the friendship(and this is all prior to the last 2 years), but I don't want to lose the ground that I have gained in self protection in the last few months either. Thank you for listening.

[hypercat54 in reply to Naturelover58]

Good luck. x

[Naturelover58 in reply to hypercat54]

Update-Today I received a message from my friend. She said that she had thought much about our friendship, and feels that her concern over my lack of support will only cause her to increase her resentment towards me, and that I have an inability to listen to her issues. We had gone to the counselor once, and were scheduled to go a few more times in the next month or so. My friend felt that the counselor(who neither of us had met before) was focusing on my point of view and not listening to her, and so she has told me that she refuses to go back to the counselor and that she wants to back away from the friendship for the next year or so. I will see the counselor on my own for that next session or two, and for my own sake, backing away is the right thing to do. My friend had lost her 19 year old cat to cancer in the summer, and as a way of keeping contact she had suggested we send short light e-mails. At Christmas, I had sent a picture of my cat climbing in the Christmas tree, and my friend said that this was insensitive, as she was still mourning the loss of her cat. I certainly hadn't meant anything cruel by sending the picture-only keeping things light as she suggested. The feeling of not being able to do anything right, has been ongoing for quite some time now.