Deeeeep breath I’m taking right now because this subject calls for some peace in chaos. My mom is full blown agitated unhappily screaming and barely here with us has more hallucinations and delusions than ever. That’s my mom and I can’t reach her. Her strange behaviors are also really disturbing to me and messes with me. My father does not seem to be doing good for her either. He makes her worse bunches. It’s sad. I am finding it difficult to do much anymore that helps bring her out or relax her. It’s really anxiety provoking. I stay out of the house a lot.
I recall my Grandmother getting the illness and her daughters were feeding her when I was really young and then she got scared and screamed. I used to play cards with her. I miss her just as I miss my mom. But I’m also angry at my mom in a way. She always said she'd get Alzheimer’s and that just pisses me off. If and I only say “if “ I were to get it, I’m sorry but after seeing my mom this way I would leave the world before the torture chamber got to me. I’m almost there as it is with ocd bipolar anxiety depression ptsd you know what kind of ****** up shit would adding that be? Angry at God. Angry at my father for like so much, angry at my sister for never helping in any way, angry at myself for having less care than I feel might be nice, like I’m just tired of everything, almost everyone it's a lot up in here. 😅
It kinda seems wrong to post this like it’s much to share like it’s too personal but I feel like I need to let it out, writing always helps me, and maybe someone can relate.
For those who can relate, isn’t it unreal like, the things taking place like it’s not really happening in a way? Maybe my brain is protecting me because it’s very hard to watch her decline. And the things it has me thinking... ugh
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Starrlight
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Star, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve got no words of wisdom, but glad you are talking about what is going on. You wouldn’t be human if the chaos didn’t effect you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lynne
Comfort is precious quality. What I can’t get fro God and others I try to give to myself. Kindness, gentleness and acceptance towards me are traits I try to strengthen. You’re a good, worthy person who has a role to play in this broken universe. ❤️
How do you show yourself love? I don’t think I love myself much I just learned to push harder when delicate to get through and to be hard on myself. I try to think nice job to myself but it lots of times feels fake. I hug myself and say I love you lately haha seems silly but maybe it will help eventually.
It took quite a long time to love myself. First I had to get to know who I was, honestly (the positive and negative parts of my being). Then I worked to accept myself. Then I had to learn to like myself. Then I could learn to love myself.
I didn’t do it alone. I used a 12-Step Program and had a lot of support.
I show myself love and care today by getting off my own back. I continue to try to improve but accept patient progress the best I can. God doesn’t make junk.
Regarding the depression and anxiety, I use the same formula of acceptance and self care (with meds and counseling). It doesn’t take all of the pain away, but I work at not making it worse.
Don’t know if that answers your question, but it’s all I’ve got. ❤️
Haven’t dealt with AD specifically, but have a very needy family member. I get angry at what others DONT do. I think that’s normal. Even my priest told me to back off and let others help out cause I can’t do it all. Sorry for the part that involves losing your mom as you know her. Perhaps some past pictures / photos would be a pleasant activity for you both. Xoxo
I'm sorry, Starr. I don't know what to say but I can understand how hard it is for you at the moment and I pray you get out of it good. I pray it all gets better. Kisses.
This must be awful. My advice is to remember that's it's not your mother talking but the disease so try and let it wash over you as much as possible. If you are feeling especially vulnerable then stay away as you need to look after yourself as much as possible too.
Try treating her a bit like a child with a tantrum - distract her and turn her mind to calmer things if you can. Not easy I know but it would help. x
Thanks. Right now I can barely be around her since its so triggering to me. The faces she makes and the look in her eyes, the noises, I don’t think I’m much good to her except I always make sure I consistently help her with some specific things that my dad lacks care for.
I will try to let it wash over me yes I like the way you said that. I will.
Yup she is childlike likes her stuffed animals and has a sort of obsession with the mirror.
I wonder where the old mom is and if I’ll ever meet her again and if there is just nothingness after this life. I lately have been pondering life and death.
Yes we all do when faced with something like this. I faced it when I lost a good friend to cancer who was younger than me a few years ago. She was one of those lovely people in life who would give you the shirt off her back and she was always very good to me. I was shattered when she passed.
Life is what it is though and you have to deal with the hand you have been dealt. My mother was 90 when she died and although she didn't have dementia she got very fretful and difficult in old age. Sometimes I couldn't deal with her at all so stayed away. Other times I could remain calm and distract her. I do know what is the cruelist thing about dementia is that the sufferer does have some lucid moments when they are aware of what is happening to them and this must be terrifying. This must be hell on earth for her. The best way is not to argue with her or take her seriously but to remain as cheerful as you can and soothe her. I know she is not the mother you remember and loved and this is very hard on you and all her family. I often think that we should be treated as well as our pets are - ie be able to be put out of our misery, but unfortunately we are left to suffer.
Try and remember her as she was and not how she is now. Easy for me to say but very difficult to do I know but this would be easier on both of you. Hugs xx
Your words mean a lot to me. Thanks for sharing with me. I am sorry about your good friend and mom passing. ❤️ But yeah this is it, life,... I will die before I get used to it.
I have a large circle of friends & at my age have seen a lot.
My Mom was 91 when she died in my arms because I was her sole caregiver. At the same time i was raising 2 of my great granddaughters, (pre-teens.) I'm relating some experiences to you because so many of my friends are coping with a lot worse than I did ( My 42 y.o. daughter had 3 yr battle with rectal cancer, 2 of my sons are bipolar & my hubby is a sickly 83 y.o.) It wasn't easy but with help of daily prayers from a worldwide brotherhood we survived with our faith in tact.
Several friends of mine are very inspiring to me because of the way they deal with having both parents in end stage dementia at the same time. One of my brothers has seen his wife go from a vibrant woman to a helpless baby in 7 years. He feeds her only organic foods along with the best in supplements & we all know she would not have survived this long without such good care. He rarely asks for any help and whenever we ask about them, he smiles & replies "We're wonderful" He wants to spend every moment with her.
It was the same way with my friends who recently lost their parents to dementia. Also when I Iost my Dad. Some have lost their children. Yes, hard to imagine and many would blame GOD. Not my friends.
Star, you could say there's a "secret" to the success in coping well with such distressing conditions and death as well.
I've discussed it with you before but allow me to repeat. We simply can't accomplish such heartbreaking conditions on our own... AND we don't have to.
When I see someone who seems to have "superhuman" strength I know it IS superhuman. It's more than mere faith, it's confidence and reliance on the greatest power there is... and no matter what happens, those who fully trust GOD are happy.
We who experience happiness want others to be happy.
I love hearing how your brother treats his wife. It’s beautiful. God hmmmm I’m in between believing in God and not. No one can know for sure is my belief. I believe there are those who are happy without belief in God.
I'm sorry, my mother had dementia, early onset, and it was just me and my dad caring for her at first. She was always a happy and friendly person and then she became the exact opposite. It's very hard being a caregiver under those circumstances. The odd things she did or say. I would take her for a drive 2x/wk to give my dad a break and when the day was done so was I. One time we stopped for lunch and she had to use the restroom. Stupid me, not thinking let her go alone. She was gone for a while so I went to check and she had taken off her clothes in the bathroom. Strong hugs for you. Please try to take some time for yourself and be kind to you. 💖💖
My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when I was around 9 or 10 and she passed away when I was 18. Not a day goes by that I am not in awe of what that horrible illness did to her. Watching someone just being stripped of the memories of those around them and who they were. It’s indescribable and like you said, it’s like it’s not really happening.
Just remember to care for your mom when you can. Don’t try to push yourself too hard because that can spiral really quickly but do what you can. We cared for my grandmother up until her last breath and sometimes it was so overwhelming that I couldn’t deal with it. In those instances I tried to remind myself of the torture she was going through every day. Once such a prideful and independent woman to now not being able unable to even move her arms...that humbled me and gave me strength to just be a little more patient with the process. But again, don’t overdo it and make sure you make time for you. We can’t care for others when we aren’t taking care of ourselves.
I know you said you aren’t sure where you stand with your beliefs but I will keep your family in my prayers. I hope your father learns to handle the situation better and that fewer of the responsibilities land on you.
Thanks for the prayers. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. It’s so stressful isn’t it? I try to balance caring for her and caring for myself... but that changes from day to day sometimes hour to hour. Well thanks for being here have a beautiful day.
It is so stressful. It’s absolutely a moment by moment thing. I’m just glad you’re venting. I always felt guilty for saying anything about my grandma but I realize now that what we were going through was difficult and we had a right to feel angry or upset or anxious. I hope you have a beautiful day as well!
Star, I have no family now. Of course, I have Sue but, I outlasted all of my horrible family. I found my dad dead when i returned from my friend's and I had to help make the awful decision to pull the plug on my mom. Both things are PTSD triggers. We all have crosses to bear and at this point about all I can say is that I will stand steadfastly beside you all the way. I am an unmovable rock when it comes to supporting you!
I try to leave it in the past, Star....I'm more concerned about you, even at 7am when I should probably be sound asleep. I am there with you now, just like you were there for me at the beginning. Feel my strength, it's real and together we can get through anything. I honestly believe that 100%!
Your anonymous...which means you can say things about your personal life, because unless someone knows you in the real world on this site that your worried about...it does not matter ...you can honestly vent....and no one is judging you for it. It's what this site is, being honest....so go for it kiddo.....
Venting is a good way to let it all out yes I watched my father-in-law in his mid-eighties in a nursing home with Alzheimer's the worst there is even before he went to the nursing home and I took care of him out on the farm it's sad I have issues as well I wouldn't be on here you probably read some post Malone before about living 40 years with anorexia check myself into Outpatient Treatment seven years ago recovered greatly a very long journey but I recover daily to never relapse 40 Years of anorexia is a long time I suffer from post-traumatic stress as well from one person My Father which caused me to be ill at a young age however I managed to do that daily stress causes Ark custom attic stress and all these other issues that we have stress of any kind escalates our own problems that is normal I'm finally finding out at 57 years of age first time I've ever been happy I can love and not live with anorexia and be free it's a daily fight but I love it I wish you well and vent anytime that's what we're here for to help one another
Thank you very much for the compliment yes I it's taken me a lifetime to find out who I am and surviving anorexia for as long as I've had it 40 years a long time but anyway you stay strong I'm doing fine and I thank you very much
Starr, I'm sorry you have to fight with the time thief known as Alzheimer's. I have lost some family to that as well. And my grandmother, who didn't have AD, got seriously strange on some pain killers or maybe it was the steroids they gave her for swelling. "They" being the hospital she was in for pneumonia. She was screaming, yelling, hitting the nursing staff. She even yelled at me and told me she hated me. They adjusted her medications and she came around about 8 hours later. But she was so "hateful" it hurt my heart to see such a strong, gentle and loving person become a monster.
My uncle, her son, didn't want to even go in the room because he was scared. A 55 year old man was afraid of his 84 year old mom who weighed maybe 110 pounds. Later, Grandma remembered everything she had said. She apologized to everyone. She told me that she didn't mean to scream at me and didn't hate me. She said she would have never said that. I told her it was just the medication and told her I forgave her. I'm sure medications sometimes make me seem off my rocker as well.
Deal with AD one day, or even one moment, at a time. If your mom says today is Christmas in 1962, then let the conversation center around that day. She might get snippets of the more recent dates that she shared with family. She might remember being 20 years old and it is her birthday. I think that if you don't approach an AD patient and try to force reality at them, they might seem less irritated.
This might work or might not work. I don't know. It's just always been a theory of mine. I discovered them in a book by Karen Kingsbury. I can't remember the title now but her books have always been inspirational to me.
Yeah I find that make believe and not focus on reality unless necessary like have to eat and take pills etc but having her hold her baby stuffed animals and playing with her helps her. She squeals with delight when a minute before she was cussing people out or just so out there that no one could know what was in her reality...
Thanks so much I wish it felt that way; I could do a lot more a lot better but everyone has their safety limits I have to watch out for me. My father is the main caretaker. Today I’ve been so stressed while I’ve been at home because she keeps screaming she wants to kill everyone that’s not her but the illness and it’s sad. I think though I have mentally distanced myself without meaning to to enable me to go on and not snap.sometimes I feel like with my illness everything seems too much and I just want out but I have to wait; I have to be here for my children.
Anddd breathe ... 💕
Hope talking about it helps you to release some of the tension.
I haven’t personally been through this but you’re all in my thoughts and prayers xx
Let it out, it helps one to examine what it is that hurt,s, when its expressed. Much better than doing the loopy thing around and around in one,s head, so give it large.
Starrlight, I’m so sorry, that has to be the hardest. I took care of my Mom, she had recurring cancer.
It felt unreal at times.
Alzheimer’s has got to be terrible.
You say you need more care and I think that’s so true. Get yourself more care, you’re going through too much hardship. I’ll pray for your Mom and family.
Going to my therapist tonight which I reeeeaaaally don’t want to do. But maybe something good will come of it. I’m sorry that must have been so heartbreaking to see your mom in pain.
I’m trying so hard to be okay. I’m not okay. I’m seeing my therapist in an hour. I wrote down some things to say to make it easier to share with her. Ugh I hate this anticipation anxiety. But maybe something good will come out of it.
Those feelings are not uncommon. Caregiver fatigue can be helped with a respite worker. Your sister should be helped to understand how much you need her to take on some of the pressure from you. It might help to talk with an RN of MSW for help in this. I hope so.
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