Hi...I am a 46 women who is still dealing with Mom issues...she manipulates me all the time....sometimes I feel like I am 12 again....she knows I am in therapy and she is against therapist and boundaries....so since she knows I am in therapy she is always pushing my hot buttons to "see if my therapy is working".....but at times she will catch me when I am vulnerable and tear me to pieces....and she LOVES it...because then she feels justified by her opinions on therapists....so messed up...why wouldn't my mom be happy that I am getting help? UGH!!!! It's hard because I am the baby of 4 girls and my dad passed away (he's a whole other topic)...we are a close family but it's getting to be too much for me...
Does anyone else have a mom like this?
Written by
raspberry44
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I know a mom like this and in her case it’s control- a therapist and boundaries are a threat to her power and control over daughter. Also therapy means you grow more separate and the possibility of growing further away from the girl she raised and feels she understands. My friend whose mom is like this just moved away and isn’t speaking to her mom until the mom goes to therapy. It has been extremely hard and damaging on her to be belittled by her mom. Sorry to hear of your suffering in this way.
My therapist told me that I will need to cut off communication with my mom...the problem is I am scared, sad and I feel like it's a death...but she said it needs to be done to be able to set hard boundaries.....The thought of that makes my heart hurt even though my mom makes my heart hurt too....I've been crying for weeks....I know this is going to be a hard road ahead of me...somedays its sooo overwhelming..it paralyzes me....thank you for your response.
Hi I had a mother like yours who always tried to get a reaction out of me and was very controlling. Yours like mine never cut the apron strings and it sounds like you haven't been able to either.
You have to accept that's the way she is and is not able to give you the love and support you need. You need to understand this and get what you need from others instead and not expect it from your mum. You are just banging your head against a brick wall and getting yourself upset.
What you need to do now is set some 'soft' boundaries with her and be more self assertive. Don't talk to her about things she is trying to upset you about and withdraw emotionally. If she starts trying to wind you up change the subject and keep doing it. If that doesn't work you will have to become more self assertive and say this isn't a topic for discussion. Refuse to be drawn and stand your ground, don't let her bully you.
Go low contact for a while if you have to, but ultimately you might have to go no contact at least for the time being. This is part of your healing process. Listen to your therapist. Good luck.
It's not easy but gets easier with practise. Don't let her sidetrack you and learn to recognise the games she is playing. She sounds quite narcissistic, so read up on them and how to deal with them.
I had to step away from my mother off and on while she was alive. She was very toxic.
I didn't go into therapy till years after my mother died and it was for trauma.
Through therapy I learned that the bulk of my issues were caused by my mother's treatment of me.
If she knew I was in therapy she would be laughing at me right now. She never believed in mental illness, although she had deep undiagnosed issues of her own.
I now deal with siblings who are just like my mother. I have a brother who likes to poke a stick at me and upset me. I have started to set boundaries with him and I will have to walk away if he doesn't honor them. I'm emotionally drained.
Sorry to hear raspberry. Like others here I can sympathise! Your mum does sound manipulative and it's all about her keeping control of you in the way she knows she can. I can understand though that the thought of breaking away can be overwhelming so this technique has been recommended on the 'Out of the Fog' site (in case your interested). It's about not giving your mum the opportunity to manipulate. For example I would suggest you don't confide in anything personal such as your therapy with her, or if she asks say "fine" and no more. I have tried it myself and it worked to a certain extent - keeping distant and aloof - but it means being very self controlled and not falling back into old patterns. It may be worth trying though....I certainly noticed my mother behaved better towards me for a while until I forgot to employ the 'grey rock' technique.
It was only to give me a breather though, ultimately I had to cut off contact pretty much altogether because it became clear to me that she was destroying my health and relationships and would have stopped at nothing.
Your right, Willow61. She wants to control all 3 of my sisters including me. She's very passive aggressive and guilts and shames us if we are not doing what she thinks is right...meaning her way! and she's never takes responsibility for any of her wrong doings. I am going take your advice...Thank you for your sharing your story.
Sadly this sounds all too familiar raspberry, also very hard for you to deal with. Do your siblings have any awareness of what's going on?
I hope you find the support you need from your therapist and from partner or friends. However not many people 'get it' especially about mothers and that's the sad thing, not only do we miss out on the care and attention that we should have had from our mums then others (who don't and can't possibly understand) can end up invalidating us when we talk about our situations.
Keep posting here if you wish, there are quite a few of us who understand.
I also meant to say, in case it helps, that at the time I was distancing myself from my mother I suddenly became "busy busy"...."can't speak for very long too busy.." or some such but cutting the conversation dead apart from talking about the weather! Your mum may well notice the change in dynamic and try and 'hoover' (ensnare) you back in to what she knows and wants to keep the same, so come back here if you think it will help.
My therapist told me that she is "love bombing" me right now because my mom is sensing the separation I am trying to do....so she is trying to be really sweet, and loving and usually i fall for it...but not anymore...i can see now what she is doing....Yes, keeping conversations quick and fast makes sense...One of my sister get's it and is also in therapy for it as well...But my oldest sister, my mom has her tied around her finger...she even lives with her and she's 50!!!! Thank you sooo much for the great advice and kindness...
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