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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Mom

My mom and I barely speak together anymore (since 5th grade).

She had gotten addicted to a phone app for singing. Now the majority of our conversations is about music.

My taste in music is different from her’s. We clash a lot. Whenever she listens to my music, she complains. She calls it ‘crazy’ music.

Most of the time, I try to ignore this. I usually let her listen to her music without complaining. But it drives me crazy sometimes.

My music means a lot to me. It cheers me up and helps me whenever I’m down. So I’ve tried to give her the meanings of my songs, but she said, “I can’t take this anymore!” Basically exclaiming my music was crap. She wasn’t willing to listen to it.

Now, her singing app. Sometimes she wants me to collab with her, but I refuse unless its one of the songs I listen to. She then makes some snide remarks about me being the person in the wrong who won’t suck up and do something with her.

It drives me crazy. My head hurts and my heart feels like it’s sinking. I’m probably the one who’s wrong since I’m so stubborn. But at the same time, I never really wanted to sing because my voice is terrible.

Last time I sang with her. She wanted to use autotune on my voice which made me really upset and depressed. Like I wasn’t good enough for her and she was only using me for likes and follows.

Now, I’m the one who’s always initiating interactions with her. She spends most of her time sleeping or on her phone. Everyday feels worse.

35 Replies
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It sounds like you just need to find something different to do with her. Liking different music, having different interests, doesn't have to be a dividing factor in your relationship. I have things I can share with my mother, and things I can only share with my one good friend. There are subjects that really interest me, but I don't dare bring them up around family, cause they will be critical and hurt my feelings. But, there are things I can do with them and talk to them about. You just need to find that with her. I get that her phone app is making her happy, but that's not going to last forever, and you can tell her that you need some time with her doing something together that's not singing or about music. That you want to do something with her, but that her singing app is not as beneficial for you, and you would rather do something different with her. I hope you can connect with her again soon, but if it takes time, know that it will happen.

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I’ve tried. We talked about different things but ultimately she got bored and irritated so she ended up going back on her phone. Most of the time, if I don’t act happy or enthusiastic she won’t even play with me and thinks of me as boring. The only thing she ever wants to talk about is her music. I just don’t know what there’s left to do.

Thanks for the reply anyways

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You are going through the generational changes and collisions that have been going forever. Do not think this is a terrible situation that won't improve with time and as you mature. It's a sign you beginning to come into your own; my parents could not understand hip hop or rap.....and I was very bored with all the references to Frank Sinatra. That really is the nut of this.

Hopefully, others will offer suggestions on how to handle this now as it has been years since I dealt with it. :)

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I'm sorry for what you are going through with your mom, and that she is not able to be more present and loving to you. It sounds like she is probably depressed and escaping to ease the pain she feels. Can you find some supportive friends and others, maybe a church community or local organization where you can get some mentors and a support system? I'm not sure what age you are, but you deserve to be loved and cared for. Sometimes family is unable to do that very well, and that's hard.

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Sounds like you need your own place. Time to move out and then you will be able to make peace with your Mom.

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I’m not at that age yet.

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It doesn't sound like your mother is abusive. My advice is be nice to her.

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Yeah i know she’s not abusive. I just want to be able to hold conversations with her again.

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Hi,

This is a topic that I can relate to at work. I'm 48 male. I work with a couple of 22 year olds. Some of their musical tastes fit with mine, some don't. I'm a pretty accepting person and enjoy listening to others music because I'm hoping I may find something new to listen to. I'm sorry to say, but both play "gangsta" rap. I can't stand it, most of the lyrics are childish and vulgar beyond good taste. I find that it has no art value. I hate it and they know it, but I won't make them turn it off.

I'm curious your Mom's and your age and what music she likes and your musical tastes?

There should be a compromise on some level?

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My mother enjoys listening to pop music (Chinese and English). I like to listen to emotive hardcore (alt. rock/pop punk).

We tried to reach a compromise with country music, but I get annoyed that most of the songs are about love, breaking up, or partying.

I prefer songs with deeper meaning (like ‘Yeah Boy and Doll Face’ by Pierce The Veil) that I can relate to.

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I'm not a fan of pop music. I'm familiar with Pierce the Veil, a friend at work has a daughter, I'd bet around your age that listens to them.

New country is trash. What about older country from the 70-80s? Some great female artists, or for something with more depth, Joni Mitchell, Carole King, Patti Smith? A little heavier with Girlschool, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar?

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I’ll check those out later, thanks.

The way I worded my post was a bit off though. Yes, I enjoy music. But I want to talk to my mom about something other than that. I probably rambled too much about how music had affected us, but I really want to just talk to her without all the music stuff. I do not care about singing as much as her and I just want to talk with her.

But I’ve never been good at conversations and she gets bored of my topics easily. Do you have any advice on what to talk about?

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Is there anything else she is interested in that you could talk about?

What about telling her you love her and miss talking to her about your feelings and things that bother you or your future?

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No, she always gets frustrated says that our interests are too different.

She listens to that for a bit, but dismisses it quickly. She’ll say that we talk plenty already.

If I end up crying about it, she’ll say I’m too sensitive (which I am).

I feel like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of this.

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I'm sorry to hear that.

What about other family? Your Dad?

Would your Mom be willing to take you to see a counselor so you could talk about this and maybe find a way to break through to her?

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They’re divorced.

I don’t know how she would react. I should probably just forget about trying to do anything about this.

Thanks anyways

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I'm sorry. Are you close with your Dad? What about cousins?

You shouldn't give up,

What about your school social worker? He or she might have better suggestions.

I saw your post about your friend. Do you have other friends that you can talk and confide in?

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No, we’re not that close. My cousin is too young to confide in. I’ve been trying to gather up enough courage to open up about my depression (never mind family problems) to others, but I can’t do it. None of my friends take me seriously. So it’s pretty much a dead end situation.

There’s no use in trying to help, though I really appreciate it.

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I'm sorry to hear that.

I'd be more than happy to "listen" if you'd like to message me and open up.

I have depression as well, though I'm much older and my childhood was much different than yours today.

I mentioned the woman who I work with and have known for years. Her daughter, who I've known since birth, has depression and other problems that may be similar to yours.

I think I'd understand better than others.

In any event, find someone to talk to and help. Don't ever give up!!

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Thank you :)

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You're welcome!

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Sometimes we want things from our moms that they just can't give us. They are just people. It took me a long time to figure that out and learn where to get the emotional support that I needed. Jesus is the only one who can be my everything. He's the only perfect one. Through Him I have found many loving women to fellowship with. I also have become much more independent with my own hobbies and interests. My relationship with my mom is the best it has ever been. I love and accept her just the way she is. I don't need her to fill me up. I wish you the best. We all have things we need to learn to find our joy. It's a journey we are on for life.

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Thanks, I wish I could feel that way.

I’m atheist. I don’t think that I need her to ‘fill me up’. I just want to hold a conversation with her instead of just using our phones, arguing over disagreements, etc

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Ok take care. This is a great place to connect. Hope someone can help.

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Your mom is probably trying to bond with you. I’m super close to my mom she’s my best friend but we have completely different interests. Especially tv and music, but I watch and listen to what she does and seeing her so into it makes me happy and helps us bond. Try and find some common ground if one you likes pop and one likes rock, even try and punk rock band that combines your interests and makes it a common ground. Your mom loves you and just wants to spend time. You are her child and the most precious thing to her, don’t underestimate the love she has for you. It’s not uncommon that you don’t have different interests as your from different generations. When I was younger she used to drag me to garden shops and it used to drive me mad. But I’d help her pot her flowers and now that I’m older I would compliment her on her new flower pots. I know small things like that mean a lot to her. So if music isn’t your guys thing don’t worry. If it tends to spring arguments stay clear of it and talk about celebrities or tv shows or skin care products or basically something small like asking her how her day was. Just the small things.

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No, it’s not that. I try my best to initiate conversations with her but she looses interest in them quickly. After a while, she will just tell me to leave her alone (that she needs a break from me) and goes back on her singing app.

I wish she would try to talk to me, but it almost never happens unless she needs/reminds me to do something.

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It sounds like you are really trying and she is not getting it. Can you straight up tell her what you are saying here?

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I’ll try but its really hard to open up irl for me

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I hear that. So true for me too sometimes. You will figure things out.

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Yup thank you : )

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Best to you!

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You too : )

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I am sorry that you are having to go through this. As you say, your mom is addicted. There is nothing you can do to change this. I think as others have said that maybe this came about because she's avoiding dealing with her problems or her feelings. It is not that you are doing or saying the wrong things, or that you're not doing or saying the right things. I don't know if there is a possibility of you going to something like Alanon/Alateen meetings where you are, but even if your mom's not addicted to chemicals, she seems to be an addict. These people could perhaps help you with coping with this situation, and you could be with people who actually understand what you're going through. My mom wasn't horrible, but sometimes she wasn't there for me the way I needed her to be. (Sadly, despite my desire to be better, I haven't always been there for my kids either, although I could not see it at the time.) It took me a long time to make peace with the fact that this just is the way it is. I hope you can find another trusted adult, like a neighbor or a friend's mom, or a teacher or counselor, with whom you can speak about this, and whom can give you the attention and positive --?reinforcement? you deserve. Please don't give up. Things can change, but often not quickly nor easily.

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P.S. And yes, it also sounds like your mom is suffering from depression.

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I consider this a possibility but the way she acts doesn’t really show it. I don’t know how to explain, but I’m 80% sure that she doesn’t have depression, but i think there’s a higher chance that she may be bipolar

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