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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Mom...

Ever since my mom got out in jail for murder everything changed I shut down I didn’t talk to anyone , I lost the one I needed most . All my life she lied to me saying everything is going to be okay . She always told me she’s doing everything right nothing wrong . When she’d take those pills and I’d sit there clueless. Then one day knock on the door it was the cops there to arrest my mom. I know why she took those pills because she knew she was getting arrested . So to this day I feel like I should be able to feel what she felt when she took those pills. But I’m far from it I feel nothing I’m numb I’m a zombie ! Someone so young on antidepressants and mood stabilizers etc ... shouldn’t be this way I should enjoy life but I don’t .. I’m drowning I’m get deeper and deeper everyday of my life. When will I feel again? When will I be me ? Feel things I know I should feel.

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Hi Spirit19, I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I and we as a community are on your side. I can feel the pain that you are in from your post. Do you live in an area where there also may be a support group for loved ones of those incarcerated? It sounds like you are going through the steps of the grieving process and could use support in that aspect as well. Please feel free to write to me any time and I will be glad to talk.

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Your right to feel all those things...lied to, betrayed...confused, sad, mad and angry,.... all of it is valid pain and it's not your fault and it's not fair....I'm so sorry your youth has been changed in ways it never should have had ever been.... But if you can for a moment put this thought in play.... parents who love their children will often not want them to be scared, or worry, so they don't tell them everything about what is going on, they try to shield them from it.And yes... it's lying sometimes, but not always because they wanted to... they just made a bad choice. Your mother didn't take the pills I'm sure to hurt you, but possibly even to spare you of having to live with a mother in jail for something as horrific as murder. I don't know if you know the circumstances of the case.... and what the story is around why she committed murder.... but it was not your fault....none of this....

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I can’t stop thinking of the past , it’s playing over and over in my mind.

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Do you mind if I vent about what’s on my mind ?

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not at all....that's what we are here for.... share away.

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I don't know how old you are but I do know that sometimes things happen in life that we never expect...we wonder WHY did it happen to us? I can tell how upset you are just by your post and feel as if I know your pain.

When I was a child, I was always raised by my grandparents. My parents gave me to them when I was a newborn. My grandpa was an alcoholic and he was always in jail for some reason or another and I remember quite vividly wondering why he did things so wrong all of the time to be in jail and tear our family apart. I remember visits to the jail where we would actually see him inside of his jail cell, behind bars and asking him why he had been so bad! Fortunately my Grandmother was a very strong person (still is) and made sure we were taken care of all those times he did wrong.

It was still hard for me to understand and i resented him many times for it but still loved him anyway.

Sorry for my essay, I just want you to know I understand how you feel bc I have been in similar situations.

I want you to know that NONE of this is your fault, you should have no guilt over what your Mom did and you may never know why she did it. As a parent I can tell you that we almost always tell our kids and assure them everything will be ok bc no matter what we are going through, we don't want them to worry and cause them stress. I know it feels like she lied to you and she did, but most likely it was bc she didn't want you to worry about what was happening.

In her case, it must have been a severe one, I don't think any of us can explain what she must have done. We CAN be here to support you though!

Do you have someone that you live with who is supportive and that you can talk to who is trying to help you? Right now, you should try to focus on yourself and getting to a place where you don't feel that emptiness inside, to a point where you want to live a life that has happiness in it somehow...try to think of something positive or do something positive everyday that could benefit others. I know that you think that is impossible right now, but helping others in need will sometimes help you feel better about yourself, even on those days you don't feel like it. I have plenty of those myself and I've found that if I do just 1 thing each day that will make someone else happy, it makes me feel better about myself, even something very small...and that means I am focusing on myself as well bc I am doing something to make ME feel better!

I truly wish you the best of luck and please know that you always have friends here who are willing to help you if we can. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.

Love and Hugs

Xoxoxo

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I remember when I was around 10-12 years old I had surgeries for my vp shunt because I have hydrocephalus. After my surgery my mom would take my pain medication and I’d suffer. Bouncing back and forth from hotel to hotel , avoiding cops . Not eating because she had no money . I’ve watched my mom shoot up heroin and snort cocaine ... laying there lifeless until she came back to life , wanting more. My brother protected me from getting hurt when my mom and my step dad fought... my mom stabbed him one time because she didn’t get her high.

My mom has never had her license but she would drive anyways . In 2010 I had my last surgery to replace my shunt and I was at the house asleep and my moms mom came to the door and told my step dad , my mom got pulled over and is being arrested . So the next day we went to the car dealership and sold the car to bail my mom out. So we don’t have a car now. I’m sorry for the paragraphs...

August 2017

My mom was supposed to turn herself in for probation violations but she didn’t. Instead her boyfriend at the time just got out of prison , so she goes with him . “This is when the murder happens” They kidnap an old man he’s 84 years old , takes his car and drives to Caswell County NC kills him and puts him in a field. From there they go to VA and kidnap a woman and shoot her and leave her to die . They steal her car and spray paint it black so no one recognizes it. From there they go to Minnesota and there the FBI catches them. My mom and Sean get put in jail there until they get transferred back to NC. When they are both back in NC they both get charged with capital murder and the death penalty.

Her trial is in 2020.

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Oh sweetheart, I am so terribly sorry in all you've been through at such a young age. I can't even imagine the fear you experienced. What was suppose to be your safety zone became a nightmare. The terror continues on as PTSD in which I'm hoping you are getting continual therapy for. My father had hydrocephalus so I can understand the pain you suffered after surgery w/o pain pills.

My adopted daughter came from parents who choose drugs over their own children. The almighty "high" will always win unless they want help. Unfortunately, in what children see and experience through their parents manic episodes of highs and lows affects them greatly.

I'm glad you are here on this safe site where care and love is given to all those who suffer

physically and emotionally.

You've been through a lifetime of scarring in such a short time. It will take time and the right counselors but they will help you get back your life. The life you should have had from the beginning. Love you Spirit19. Keep your hopes high.......... xx

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I think what Agora1 has so eloquently said with compassion and love is beautiful, I hope it shows you that you have a lifeline you can hold onto...because you surely have friends here who will listen and care about you... no child should ever go through that kind of hell.... I am so sorry for what has happened to you.... I had an abusive childhood so I understand a little.... yours was traumatic and horrific to say the least, and it's going to take a lot of love and understanding to help build any kind of trust and security back in your life....but you will eventually be able to have a life....but it's going to take a lot of healing and some time to get there. It's so sad that drugs and alcohol destroy and keep destroying family's, but it's the children loosing their innocence and trust at such a young age that is so devastating.

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I’ve also been through a certain kind of abuse and that’s why I have PTSD . It’s hard for me to sleep at night because I have night terrors from it. I just wonder when I’ll have a normal life without being in emotional pain . I’m used to the physical pain from my shunt . Half the time I don’t know what I’m thinking about , I try to explain my thoughts but they won’t come out .

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I understand you Spirit19.... and we understand you too as a community here as you have read some comments from some very lovely people here that do care. Your in a very good place for healing.... and I know your in pain, I know what those scars deep down in your soul feel like... I know the night terrors and the fear. I too have lived with this and I promise you.... with the right help, we can get better. It will never be completely gone.... but you will get better and not be defined by all that has happened to you.... none of this was your fault.... your surviving a horrific childhood.... and it does take time.... but it does get easier....you'll have some bad days.... but the good ones will become what keeps you trying.....it can happen if we let it and work for it.... don't ever give up hope... I'm glad your here....

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Bless your heart honey, you have been through sooo much already in your lifetime...things that no one should have to go through and I'm so sorry you had to live that life of pain and suffering! You don't know it yet but all of that, as horrible as it is, is going to make you a very strong person some day and you will be able to conquer anything! I know you don't feel it now at all, you just feel despair and darkness but I promise if you can get the right therapies and help, you will come out on top of all of this!

What your Mom put you through is unimaginable for most people and they would have given up already but....here you are fighting for the life you deserved to have so long ago. Hydrocephalus alone is enough to make some want to give in and just let their lives be whatever it is bc it's a hard condition to live with. The neglect and abuse you suffered was NOT your fault and I hope that you know you deserved none of that whatsoever!

I pray that you are able to go to therapy and get to a point where you know you will make it through this. It's never going to completely go away but maybe it can be something that is put on the back burner instead of sucking all your life right out of you.

I have been through abuse as well, several different kinds so I can resonate with what you are saying and going through in that aspect and many others. It is tough to live with but I have to learn coping skills and did cognitive behavioral therapy, still do. I have PTSD as well from some life changing, horrific events and it isn't easy to live with the depression and anxiety either, the night terrors and vivid dreams that seem so real and are usually flashbacks.

Try making a list each night before bed of what you want to accomplish the next day, keep a journal and write down or type out your day with a rating of 1-10. It's not easy but nothing is life worth having usually is.

I appreciate you sharing with us and know that we are here for you when you need us...much love!!

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I remember when me and my mom would buy doughnuts and watch movies all night eating them and I’d always feed them to the dog when momma said not too , it always made me laugh ... me and my mom had good times but the bad times were more than the good .

When I go to therapy I shut down , my therapist does all the talking but it just goes in one ear and out the other . My medications have changed me where I don’t know what I’m thinking about. I try to explain myself but I can’t.

Suicide was an option for me three times 2011, 2018 once in 2011 and twice this year . I was hospitalized for it a lot because suicide was comforting to me because I had a way out .

Today I still struggle with the thoughts but when they come I freak out and have anxiety attacks .

The abuse that I went through changed me , I shut down and have my guard up 24/7 , it’s hard for me to open up to someone in person , if that makes sense. I was abused three different times at 15,17,18 years old. I just want to be normal again .

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Well, try to think of some of those good times with your Mom more...they seem to be of some comfort to you. I know the good doesn't outweigh the bad times for sure but hopefully there were times in your life when she was a good Mom to you until she became an addict.

If you aren't happy with the therapist you have and you aren't really talking to that person, find a new therapist. Sometimes a therapist just isn't a good "fit" for you, I've been through several to find the right one.

It sounds like the medication you take may also not be helping you so I would speak with someone about changing it. If it's making you more confused instead of bringing you out of the fog, it's likely not the best ones for you.

Please don't think of suicide as an option. I know it seems like a good option or the only option sometimes, but think of all of the lives you could change in the future just bc of what you have been through yourself! Your story of your life and how bad it has been is sadly the story of other people's lives too and they need to see someone who has beaten that and conquered it, they need to know they're not alone as well...and if you can do it, they may see that they can do it too!

I was once in that position where i thought

suicide was my ONLY way out. My son passed away and I felt i had nothing left to live for, everyday was pure torture where all I could do was think of him and wonder why God had punished me by taking my child from me! I took antidepressants and anxiety meds bc I had panic attacks constantly, some nights I even went and slept by my son's grave in the middle of winter bc I couldn't bare to think he was alone there, without me. I did it for a long time, feeling guilt that wasn't mine to feel, hurting so badly bc my heart was in a million pieces and the best parts of me were within him. There were days I planned to do it, just take all of my meds and go lay next to him and wait for it to happen.

Luckily I had support in the form of my Granny who was the only Mama I had ever had. She knew something was definitely very wrong with me and forced me to face reality, that those around me were still living, that I had always had dreams of who I wanted to become in my life, that I still had a future. It helped some and I realized I would never see my son again had i chosen to commit suicide. I had to believe in him and the promises I made him bc I was a young Mama, 18 yrs old, I had sworn to him that he would have a better life than I ever did and never go through the things I did as a child. That promise still held strong with me bc one day I knew I may have other kids and they needed a Mama who had accomplished what she needed to just to provide them with a life they deserved! I went onto college as I had planned and got my degree. Being so busy with work and college kept my mind busy and I had less time to think of how i wanted to harm myself, even still being in such a dark place in life.

So my dear, I believe in you and that you can do it too! You can be the next generation that doesn't do the things your parents did, make the mistakes they did and do something with your life....even through the fog. You can be strong enough to say "I'm not going to let this beat me or bring me down to my lowest point". Stand up out of that ditch of misery, brush yourself off and follow your dreams of what you may have thought you wanted to be at some point.

I BELIEVE IN YOU AND YOU CAN DO THIS!!

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Hey Kayla, I am so sorry that this happened to you. <3 You don’t deserve to go through these things. I can feel the pain from your words just like others have said. I am glad to see that you continue to reach out to us. We are always going to be here for you. Please stay strong. <3

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