INFJ

[MevsMe]

I have very bad anxiety depression and PTSD. From realizing my whole life was a shit show. My mom and father are narcs so imagine growing up in that household. I was obese for most my life until I was 18 got pregnant at 19 baby at 20 gained all the weight back and lost it again. I have never had genuine love I'm 33 now. Past relationships been with narcs. One was 8 mentally abusive years,one was 3 physical and mental abusive years, the last 2 mentally abusive a year a piece after learning about covert narcissist. Now I'm alone just my son and I. I believe I've probably messed him up because of my underlying issues. I lost my job of 5 years because I refused to keep being used and under paid tryin to find a new one is hell while my savings are in ruins. My weed consumption has all but consumed me and I know I'm tired of feeling like this. I dont have any friends here my bestfriend moved to NC. I'm the black sheep out of my mom 7 kids because I'm the one who has feelings also known as the scapegoat child. I have low self esteem and I dont know why. I just dont see myself how the world perceives me. I'm an introvert naturally so I stay inside and do not like being in crowded place at all. I'm trying to get better because my son will be 13 on Thanksgiving and all he wants to do is be out at the mall going places etc and it literally takes everything for me to leave my house. I'm tired of living like this. Let me not get started on my alcohol consumption I'm literally a wino. I've been cutting back with that though but the cravings are there. I'm sick of isolation but I dont want to be out either. I'm so overwhelmed and have been for about 8 years now when my family showed me who they really was and I haven't been the same since. My sister and I was roommates she tried to blind me she cut holes in my clothes basically anything to sabotage me and my happiness. I told my mom she said I should just shut up my sis and i fight next thing I know my other sister and mom all fight me and try to take my son from me. I cut them off for a year after that but it wasnt til I was 30 when I found out about the disorder they suffer from and who I am I have always been different and March to the beat of my own drummer my ma calls me rebellious yes cause I wont follow them to hell! Oh i did land an interview with the company my mom works for making about 28 dollars an hour she knows I'm unemployed she told me not to take the interview and i didnt because u only get one family and even though they ain't shit they are really all I have and that makes me sad because I know they dont like me.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Do you mean your parents are police narcs or narcotic abusers?

[MevsMe in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

No they are narcissistic. I apologize for not being clear.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to MevsMe]

And I’m sorry, too that I didn’t think of that, considering the forum we’re in. Especially since my mother was a “narc” and my father was a drunk. Needless to say, positive, loving nurturing was in very short supply growing up.

I was drinking from the time I was 15, got pregnant at 16 and had my daughter at 17. Married her father, which of course didn’t work out. Stayed unmarried so was a single parent for a couple of years. Picked up pot to add to the booze. Got married again at 25. That didn’t work either. Kept drinking and drugging, trying to be a good mother at the same time. No luck. My life was unmanageable.

Got sober at 28 and learned how to change. So many of my “issues” were due to my alcoholism.

I want you to know I identify with low self esteem (actually self disgust for me). And also continuing destructive relationships. The names and faces of “my type of guy” were different, but it was always the same man.

Professional help probably is a good start. I recently had to seek it out for a depression and anxiety disorder. Good luck.

[Pugglesworth]

Hi Mevs.

That is quite a story and it sounds like you need some help. Caring for ourselves is one of the hardest things we can do as human beings. Sometimes our ego constantly reminds us about the past and keeps us trapped in stories about other people. The key for me was realizing I am not my thoughts. If I were my thoughts then I wouldn't need to think them because I'd already know what they were going to say. If I were my thoughts the thoughts themselves would not be necessary. If I were my thoughts I couldn't observe them happening.

Our mind simply gives us back what we've put in it. If most of that is garbage then we will get garbage back. If we consistently make up stories about other people the mind will train itself to continue that even when we are not actively doing it ourselves. If we are in harmful situations the mind will respond in survival mode and do what it takes to get out of that situation.

No one else can show you who you truly are: only you can do that. And who you truly are is not what you think. It is most definitely not what others think.

There are many resources on this site to help you get on the path of self-care. Only you can begin that journey. Every human being deserves to care for themselves. Every human being needs to care for themselves.

Because you are not who you think you are.

None of us are.

[MevsMe in reply to Pugglesworth]

Thank you so much for your wise wise words of wisdom and for responding to me. I have been browsing around the community and have seen a lot of helpful things. The most important is that I am not alone in these feelings. I am definitely going to look into getting some professional help I'm tired of these feelings and emotions. It's starting to suffocate me and sometimes I literally cant breathe. Its terrifying. My mom ask why I drink and smoke so much weed I started laughing but I wanted to cry and say you,my grandma and my daddy have damaged me and this is the only way I can feel nothing or normal or deal. with everyday. I dont know my purpose in life and I feel like a failure. Like I shouldn't even have a kid because he had front row seat to all this and I try to talk to him but he is a pre teen etc. I just dont know but thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

[HopeandOptimism]

Hi, I am so sorry for all the pain. You have had a rough time. But there is hope and there is life ahead. Those who have replied have said good things.....you can make the choice to move yourself forward and reclaim your life and spirit. Yes, it is hard but it is NOT impossible. You do need others to help you, you need support, compassion and accountability. Seeking professional help will give you this. Peeling the layers of pain, sadness and anger will bring you to place of healing. Our families do some things right and some things wrong...as we get older, we do the same....so when we learn to forgive them and understand that they were limited in what they could give or not give, we stop blaming them for our stuff as adults. When we are children, we are reliant on them. When we are adults, we can make different choices. I pray you will make a different choice and advocate for yourself and your son. Consider going to Alchoholics Anonymous since there are meetings 24/7 and there is no cost. You will find others who are or who have struggled like you. You will also find resources to help you with your other struggles. You can also speak to your doctor who can give you additional resources. Your son will be proud of all your effort and you will have more energy for him. Your family may not change, but you can change the way your respond and the way you interact with them. Make YOU the priority! Each day, take a step toward doing something positive and good, that will move you in feeling whole again. You will be in my prayers. Know you are so worth it!

[MevsMe in reply to HopeandOptimism]

Thank you so graciously. I will see if we have meetings near me. I was going to go a while back but social anxiety got to me so I never did. You all dont know how much it means to have this support. I literally have no one but my son. It makes me hopeful that good people does still exists. I will also keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you so much.