Venting: Finding purpose when consistently rejected

[gardenblue]

I've had some issues with workplace bullying, where people are mean to me to avoid talking to me and tell me they think I'm weird. I'm on my 3rd job, and I'm doing my best but I also feel like some kind of outlier. I don't really have friends. There is a former-coworker I keep in touch with every few months. There are two neighbors I also keep in touch with every few months. But that's it. I attend a bookclub, and it's never amounted to any friendships. I've been on Zoloft for 2 years, and have been seeing a therapist.

I'm not sure how to have a sense of purpose, despite having a fiancé and family members who love me. I feel like my life is empty and devoid of meaning. I feel like society collectively sees me as unworthy of being.

How do you deal with the pervading storm clouds in your brain?

[CatIsMyCopilot]

I feel like I always respond to posts on here saying "I feel the same way", but it's always true, heh.

Making and keeping friends is tough. Finding purpose is tough too. For me, both these things seem even more dire and tough when there are storm clouds in my brain, as you put it. I had a small anxiety attack yesterday, and am dealing with the fallout today (fatigue, sadness, etc.) The thing I always try to remind myself of is that the storm clouds *do* clear, and in those times these problems seem a lot more approachable. I find this advice very hard to follow, myself, but I'll give it anyway: try to resist worrying too much about yourself (your anxiety, and problems you think are caused by it) when you're anxious. Your anxious self is not your real self. Wait for the storm clouds clear, and then come back to these questions. You will likely find you *do* have purpose then.

[gardenblue in reply to CatIsMyCopilot]

Thank you so much, that was beautifully written. It made me feel less alone. I'll try waiting out the storm - it's hard not to feel like it'll never clear, but it does. 'My anxious self is not my real self' - what a powerful way of putting things. I'll have to keep this in mind.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I identify. Although I can socialize with the best of them (I was a single parent once upon a time and needed the job - which called for a lot of interaction with people), it wears me out. I need 3-4 hours my time for every hour of people time. But I’ve discovered that my purpose is to take care of me and to help others (in that order). And it’s a relatively easy measuring stick to adjust to. Hope that helps. Keep posting.

[gardenblue in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Me too. Sometimes I feel so exhausted, as soon as I get home I ask for a few hours of 'me-time'. Dealing with people is so exhausting. It's good to know you prioritize taking care of yourself. I'm going to have to start doing that more and more.

[jcoe2004]

First and foremost, you do not need friends. They come and go, and most are fair-weather; therefore that is not important. You need to get that out of your brain. Second; if people think that you're weird, and maybe you are in their eyes, so what? You know the true you and you need to start embracing it. Thirdly; you have a fiance and a family that love you. Blood is way thicker than water, and you need to remember that there is someone up above who's got your back, whether you believe it or not. I am on Zoloft myself, 200 mg a day, along with other medications due to PTSD/Panic/Major Depressive Disorder/Agoraphobia/Anxiety. I self medicated with alcohol for four years and tore so many apart, either physically or mentally, and that includes my husband of 15 years and two young children. I felt like there was nobody to help me, I was kicked out of my house whenever I relapsed, have to be rehab countless times, but the panic attacks never stopped. I finally found a Dr. willing to help me over a year and a half ago and have been clean ever since. He was willing to help when others wouldn't. He knew I was self-medicating while others just wanted to keep sending me to 28 day programs and not treat the underlying cause. I have been down to the bottom with no light at the end of the tunnel. You need to find purpose within yourself and stop letting outside, negative forces, impact your daily life. People are cruel. Kill them with kindness or sink them with a stony heart. Chin up, buttercup. You'll be just fine. You will find strength in places you never thought possible. Stop seeking and searching for things that you really don't need.

All the best and many blessings.

~Jessica

[Capricorngoat92]

I wish I could give you advice on this but I honestly feel the exact same way. I feel so empty most days and like I have no purpose. Even on my good days when I am writing a song or a story, I still feel like what's the point. I have family that loves me and a best friend who always tells me how much they care about me and still I feel so empty.

I thought quitting my job would make me feel better and that was why I was so depressed because it was a very shitty job with very shitty people, but I now realize that was just a distraction from the truth....that no matter what I do, I will always feel this way until I find what makes me feel fulfilled and I am starting to think nothing ever really will make me feel fulfilled, but if I can just have more good days than bad, that would be better than my current situation.

I just have to get to that place, but it seems so hard right now. I am hoping this site will help and hopefully it helps you as well.