Bad coworker

I'm at work right now and my coworker (the one who thinks I should cheer up and be grateful) is really triggering me. My heart is pounding! He practically threw the radio at me and slammed the desk drawer. I know he's trying to provoke me. He's angry that I have ended our friendship. I know it will be difficult dealing with his passive aggressive behaviors as they get worse the longer I am not his friend. I need some words of encouragement, please! Has anyone else had to deal with a bad coworker?

[Agora1]

ZipperMocha, you can't control his behavior but you can control how you accept

it. Do not allow him to get the best of you. If the situation were different, I'd say

move to another room but since you can't, allow his provocations to go in one

ear and out the other. Using deep breathing, especially long slow exhales which

can help slow your heart down. It's a very difficult position that you are in but

no one, absolutely no one should try to manipulate someone as he is doing to you.

This is emotional abuse. Can he be reported? How close in proximity are the

two of you seated? Breathe my friend. You don't deserve this. You are strong

you can do this. I stand behind you. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

oh thank you so much for those kind words Agora1. We work together in a hospital so we are not together all the time but when we have to deal with disruptive people we have to work together. He refuses to look at me, he doesn't speak to me, he doesn't give me breaks anymore when I'm on desk duty. I've asked the supervisor to put me on a different shift rotation as soon as there's an opening. I didn't tell my supervisor why I wanted to be moved to a different shift. I am ashamed that I was ever friends with this coworker and I feel like the animosity is partly my fault because I chose to be friends with him. But moving forward I really want to get away from him so that I don't ever have to see him again.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

ZipperMocha, I looked back and read over your former posts and now can better understand what is going on. I respect you. My hat's off to you for having one of the toughest jobs

in the hospital especially on the unit you work. As things happen unexpectedly

during your work hours, you need the cooperation of your co worker(s) for the

safety of the patients as well as your own.

I agree that you need to be moved to a different shift. As to whether you should

advise your supervisor that's your decision alone. It might not be a bad idea so

there are no repercussions from this person. I hope that this gets straighten out

soon for your safety and welfare. Good Luck and please keep us updated. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

thank you Agora! I'm so happy you read through my past posts and profile! it's true that on top of challenging patients i don't need the added stress of a passive aggressive manipulative coworker. i will be happy to keep you updated on this. it's very challenging for me and i think overcoming this will be good personal growth for me.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

I agree with you x Stay safe and go forward with your life.. xx

I support you

[foxglove_pnw]

Hi Zipper Mocha , as Aurora1 said : you can control how you accept his behavior .

If things escalate , can you change your schedule ? Rooms ? Groups ? Or maybe talk to HR ?

Good luck ! Take a deep breath and try to set boundaries as much as you can

[Hidden in reply to foxglove_pnw]

taking a deep breath helps, thanks!

[Hidden in reply to foxglove_pnw]

just sharing this problem and being heard makes me feel more calm. Thank you for listening.

[foxglove_pnw in reply to Hidden]

You are very welcome !!!

[All_alone]

I'm sorry but passive aggressive behavior is immature and just plain rude.. I encountered a bad issue with a person last week at a venue I help oversee (she actually cussed me). Eventually the situation was resolved with the assistance of others. I went back to this person to say thank you for doing ' xxxxx". She immediately starts in on me again most likely trying to provoke me. My first instinct was to give it right back to her. But I quickly thought I dont know you and your not worth my energy. I put this huge smile on my face and said "you know what, your not worth my time- have a great day " and I walked away. She didn't say a word as I walked away. She was probably wanting the situation to escalate and never thought I would do what I did. I actually felt better not allowing myself to be dragged into her petty drama and I hope it made her more mad because I didn't let her provoke me. It was hard for me to take that higher road but I felt much better than if I continued to be provoked. Good luck to you. Your coworker is also not worth it.

[Hidden in reply to All_alone]

that's horrible! what a rude person! I'm glad you were able to stay calm. I feel my blood boil sometimes and it's so hard to stay unprovoked. I sit here thinking about all the advice and thinking I need to stay calm, be kind, and professional. thank you for your reply.

[All_alone in reply to Hidden]

Yes it was very rude. I may have been calm on the outside but it was the exact opposite on the inside as I walked away. In a work environment there is a fine line with being professional and not loosing it for me. Could this knucklehead be moving on to another job anytime soon or has he been there forever?

[Hidden in reply to All_alone]

he's been there a year and a half now. we have some changes coming up in the next year or two where more security personnel will be hired and my supervisor already knows i want to be moved to a different shift. but this change will be slow, it always is where i work. I'm afraid I'll be having a bad day when he provokes me and I'll lose it. i know that's what he wants. and he knows i have depression and mood issues. I'm definitely going to need the support of this community! you guys have been great!

[All_alone in reply to Hidden]

I hope he leaves before that change comes. But then we will always have those people in our lives that push our buttons. We are here to support you!!! If that bad day comes and you do lose it, maybe lose it like I did. Hes provoking you and he expects a certain reaction, give him something he would never expect and just walk away. (Then go out to your car and scream). Dont give him the satisfaction. Hes not worth your energy even though it will take energy to not give him what he expects. Think of a few different scenarios that you may encounter and come up with some responses.

[Hidden in reply to All_alone]

i have actually gone out and screamed in my car and then cried i was so frustrated.

[All_alone in reply to Hidden]

Understand! Been there, done that. In my car, house, woods, my yard.....

[Ara915]

Your fine just know you are at work for yourself n that is enough your doing great

[fauxartist]

Your not there to entertain this nucklehead...this is your workplace....and that's what I would tell him....to please respect that you are trying to just focus on the job. Tell him that if he does not back off your going to have a problem and your job comes first. Tell him firmly but calmly and diplomatically. That your not interested in having friends at work and you want to keep it strictly professional...and it's nothing personal.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

after i wrote my original post he was late replacing me at the duty desk and also didn't answer me on the radio. i told myself do not be provoked. when i got back to the office my other two coworkers commented on his lack of response on the radio and speculated that he had been sleeping on the job. it made me realize that while he was trying to upset me, he made himself look bad. i expect there will be more passive aggressive behavior from him but I'm keeping a log on it so i can complain to my supervisor. i just gotta keep my cool! thanks for your reply!

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

he is a knucklehead for sure!

[Missinglobe89]

I didn't read other people's comments. So if this was already said sorry. But forget that guy, if someone or something is turning into something toxic, get rid of them. A real friend wouldn't make you feel that way. Remember you are strong and you are allowed to be bothered, you are allowed to say "Nah man, I don't have time for that sh**t." Keep your head up

[Hidden in reply to Missinglobe89]

"a real friend wouldn't make me feel that way". i will keep this phrase in my mind. thank you

[LiveandLetLive42]

Omg you absolutely have to read my last post. I got fired because of a coworker and it is so ridiculous. I don't know your full story, but you can message it to me if you want. Coworkers are so challenging. Why can't we all go to work and just be friendly and not make work so miserable? There is always competition, drama and gossip. It's so hard to not let it get to you when you are literally working with this person all day everyday. I think you should do a formal complaint. I wish I had. Because at least it's on record if anything else happens. I definitely want to know more to the story. What the hell is his problem?

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Omg I read your last post. I would be so irritated too. Why do people care so much about their coworkers calling out or not being who they want them to be! You even told one about your depression and he is treating you this way? Definitely file a formal complaint. I know it's frustrating, extremely hard and almost an obsessive aggravation working with them, but you have a choice. You can either ignore them completely or tell them ENOUGH. I hated working with this coworker that I wrote about in my last post and I'd literally obsess about it all day, even after work. It totally consumed me. If I could go back and do things differently I would in a second. I would have tried talking to her first about the issue; if things didn't change, I would absolutely filed a complaint and than ignore her to the point of not even saying hello or anything. With any job, just do your job, don't engage in any drama or gossip, be polite but don't go overboard and keep notes! Write everything down! And remember what really matters is your life outside of work. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's very common and being irritated is absolutely normal. All my Best to you!

[Hidden in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm glad we can relate. this bad co-worker - let's just call him Mike - first started working with me back in 2010. then in 2012 he went back to the UK. in 2017 he came back and worked with a different dept before coming back to the dept I'm in. we got along fine in 2010-2012. when he left for the UK i corresponded with him via email. but then he started to get sexual and would send me gifts. at first i was flattered and felt bad for him because of his marriage problems. so i am guilty of encouraging him. but over time he got more and more clingy and emotional and i didn't feel right about it anymore. he tried to send me another gift and i refused. he became very very angry. he expresses his anger in passive aggressive ways. it was easy to end things then because he was in the UK. but then he came back and at first i stayed away from him. then one day i had to talk to him because of work related stuff and i did it as kind as possible. so from there we slowly became friends again and there was no sexual ness on his part so it was ok. but the more i shared with him the more he seemed to take a proprietary attitude towards me. also we work in a hospital and he doesn't wash his hands very often or use gloves and he touches nasty stuff like trash and patient belongings. so one day i had set my can of kick start on the desk. these cans cost $1.68 at Wal-Mart. to me that's a lot of money for a drink. well, it was on the desk and he went to move it but he picked it up from the top, wear a person drinks from. before i could stop myself i said no!! yuck! he took offense and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks straight. i felt bad. i knew i had hurt his feelings so i made amends. since then it's been a rollercoaster ride of him getting offended, acting out with the silent treatment, not doing his job, doing it wrong on purpose, ignoring me, hanging up the phone on me and I've been wrong trying to be friends with him. our last episode (and final episode,) was when he asked me about a call we needed to attend to. he didn't know what to do. i started explaining but he didn't know the location i was talking about so i said its ok, I'll do it. he stormed out. later that night when he came to replace me at the desk i asked him why he was so angry with me (he had skipped giving me a break, hung up on me, and refused to look at me when we spoke). he replied "because you jumped down my throat!" he raised his voice at me and i absolutely lost it. before i could control myself i said "i have issues with your anger towards me! and our friendship is over. we're done.". as i left he said " you have issues! " which is true because i have shared my "issues" with him. so now he doesn't give me breaks when I'm at the desk, he doesn't answer me on the radio until I've called a few times, he hasn't been doing his job, he set a radio down on the desk but it was more like he tossed it at me. he slammed the desk drawer and he mumbles when he speaks to me. now that I've explained it all it doesn't seem that bad, does it. but in the heat of the moment I get so infuriated! I'm not his! just because we talked in detail one day doesn't mean I'm obligated to talk intimately again just because that's what he wants. but that's his attitude. i shared and now I'm obligated to keep it up. when i distance myself he starts with the passive aggressive behavior. i know this situation is partly my fault and i am scared he'll tell ppl stuff I've told him in confidence. i just want this rollercoaster ride to be over.

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Hidden]

Don’t blame yourself. He is way over line here to the point he needs to be reported. Don’t think you provoked this at all. He has serious issues and I bet he’s done this before. I’d understand if at first he tried hitting on you because you were lightly flirting but you’ve made it clear that’s not going to happen. So he’s being crazy now. Stalkerish actually! Be careful please 💜