I only want to breathe... But I can't yet... The amount of love I have for those I have in my life is endless! Once you got me, you're screwed. Some were able to choose some weren't, either way... Love you all. I'll do anything for anyone if it was in my power. I would hold more weight for those I love, than you can ever imagine, just to help you through. I'll keep doing whatever it takes to make sure those I love won't have to suffer or won't have to suffer too much. I can wait to breathe...
That was a post to my Facebook wall. I posted that today because I honestly just can't breathe. Every time I think the chance finally has come where I can take a deep breath & try to take care of me... I just can't!
Within the fast 5 years; I have lost my mother & father, my sons' half-sister, a close aunt of mine, a cousin to an OD that I was close to as well, another close friend of 18 years, maybe more, a baby to a miscarriage, & just today, lost another really close person to me. I've taken in an amazing young niece that needed to see what love of a family truly is & protect her from one that was rotting her mind just months after losing my mother not caring about how I was feeling at the time, worrying only about what she needed at that very moment; safety. Today & for days, maybe weeks before, I'm dealing with her father blaming me for HIS lack of communication with his daughter & HIS lack of visiting. I literally just had to turn him off today. I couldn't do it. Not today, not now. I also had to put my own son away for something horrible he did & keep wondering if he did it because it was done to him. The past 2-3 weeks I've been suffering from really bad anxiety, even to the point where I had a few blown out attacks & just thought I was going to die. It literally felt like my heart was being twisted in all different directions, & being crushed, all because I thought my husband was going to die from something a freaking hospital ER couldn't take care of 2-3 weeks prior; during all this, I had to hold the weight of all of it inside so that the children in this house of mine wouldn't think something THIS scary is going, right in front of their face. I went through & keep going through these things but... I just can't breathe just yet...
My daughter comes walking down our stairs, towards our living room, where I'm sitting there, phone in hand, watching Netflix, just trying to breathe... I hear her sniffling...& all of a sudden she's running to me crying as I've never seen her cry before. I only honestly ever seen her cry when she falls & gets hurts. But this crying, this was depression crying! I just got news I just lost someone close me an hour before that. I will tell you one thing for certain, for a mother to see her daughter cry with that much fierce, it literally tears at everything you're made of. Every single freaking fiber of my body, head to toe, was just dying inside, watching my 14 yr old open up like that in my lap. I sucked my weighted problems in & took hers with me too. I tried my very best. She wouldn't talk for a long time. I wouldn't push either. I know how that pain really feels, I've been there. I just told her to let it all out & I held my baby so tight & kept telling her I'm here, let it all out. There did come a point where I was finally able to ask one question, say one word, "boyfriend", she nodded yes, then I let out another word, "goodbye?", as far as I got from that was..."no, not like that." She stopped because her father was coming into the room.
You have to understand; it's the hardest thing ever to get my daughter to open up. I've tried. She's like BOTH her parents; too independent. Today was the first time that I was ever to get that far with my daughter, to open up & let her words speak instead. So, seeing this, seeing her pain like that & having her let go to me but stop because her father walks in... I was being gutted. I was so close. I almost had her tell me her 1st ever problem.
So no, I just can't breathe yet. I need to hold more weight. She needs a strong mother. I couldn't even cry for her in front of her. She needs me to be strong for her weight. That's what mothers do. That's what I do for those I love, especially more than life itself...
I just can't breathe...
My mother is the person I like the least.
I feel like I have to fix it, but I know I can't...
I just want to be done! 
Help! Depression interrupted my parenting.. I am so so sad.
I need advice on how to handle this
