Honestly, Sometimes I Wish I Wasn't A Mom, am I a bad mother?

[ToxicQuinn]

I just want to start off by saying I love my child very much and I couldn't image my life without him. I just wish things were different. I thought about giving him up but I'm attached and I don't think I could live with that decision. I got pregnant by my abusive ex and at that time a abortion and or adoption wasn't a option because we were living with his family. honestly I had to go through with the pregnancy because everyone wanted me too and I was at their grace. Now I'm a single mom with little to 0 help and half way across the country from his father. when i look at my soon I see him... I hate that. sometimes I get upset that hes crying and when I can't sooth him. I NEVER HURT HIM!! I just get frustrated. My roommate has a daughter who is a total pain and she has no regard for anyone other then herself, her mother makes excuses fro her behaviors and actions and wont teach her right or punish her, shes often say shes jealous of my son and she will do stuff on purpose to him (she wakes up up on purpose and shes pinches him and made him fall. I got on her when she pinched him and made him fall and now shes never allowed to be alone with him) I think ill make a whole other post about them later. My son and I have a good bond but I just don't feel like I can do this. Am i a bad mother? what should I do?

[Agora1]

You're not a bad mother ToxicQuinn but a young mother. You weren't ready.

The circumstances now are difficult for you in raising a child alone as well as

having this abusive roommate. This isn't a good situation for you or your son.

It's a much more difficult decision once you have held and bonded with your child.

You need some professional support in going forward. As much as you love your

son, I worry that the fact that he is a reminder of your abusive ex can make it

a unhealthy situation for your son. My heart goes out to you. xx

[Poodie]

Hi T Quinn,

I just could not type that word toxic as your name ! First, I commend you on not allowing your roommate’s daughter to be in the same room as your baby without supervision from you. He does need your protection. This is not a good situation for you to remain in.

You are not toxic . You are not a bad mother. Some babies cry a lot and some don’t. Some sooth easily and some persist on crying. It is a whole different ball game to have a placid baby who doesn’t cry much.

I however had one of each. The crying one was the eldest, my first baby. I don’t remember feeling particularly anxious. People think that can be conveyed to the child. What I did feel was exhausted . He was relentless. I took him everywhere. I used to go into the exercise room and hold him for my weight. We used to kid that he had a button on his back because as soon as you put him down, he would start screaming. I was breast feeding so I got up during the night too.

One night I called my sister in law and complained and talked to her over an hour to get support. She had a fussy one too. As we were talking he finally calmed down. But this crying continued until he was 14 months old.

People who have had only more serene babies do not understand and can be judge mental.

I do not know why other people do not tell women how difficult it can be having an infant to take care of, especially for a single mother. I had no help either. I was older and my parents and in-laws did not live near us and were really too old to help.

I assume you have regular medical check ups you take him to. You can mention it to your doctor if you haven t already. My baby was born a couple weeks early. I don’t think his nervous system was as developed. Big babies have an advantage. Your doc may have suggestions.

Try finding some friends who can understand. There are mom groups and baby play groups if you can go to those. It is tough but your baby will outgrow this.

Are you in therapy? Perhaps there you can discuss your ambivalence, which is understandable because you had outside pressure to go thru w the pregnancy and also an abusive husband. I think getting away from any abuse was wise, but that may have left you with some feelings to resolve too. Your baby has your genes too. He is not just like your husband.

Someday, you may be very grateful you did not give your baby up, but only you can decide. You are already attached and love him. The best thing you can do is love him and also take care of your own needs. I hope you can do this thru professional help. Most of us would have issues to resolve coming from your situation.

You can get additional support thru this group also. There may be a mothers w infants group on line.

Good luck and I hope you will check in here to keep posting .

[Poodie in reply to Poodie]

I forgot to pass on that I think at some point many mothers if they are honest have at some point wished they weren’t mothers.

[Want2BHappy3]

I think most moms feel that way sometimes because we’re so overwhelmed it’s a thought that passes though, I love my kids tons , though there are times I think life would be easier otherwise I don’t want them to deal with the World we live in.

[No1wthayla]

I understand you ToxicQuinn.

I had my daughter as a single mom and then married when she was 4. But I still felt like I was the only parent and now, with my husband, I had two kids to take care of. Hubby was often selfish or whining worse than my daughter.

My kid cried a lot as a baby. She was about a year old before she would sleep through the night. I didn't really catch on to that "you will learn how to identify what your child wants based on how they cry." Umm, NO! They all sounded the same to me. I had to figure out what she wanted through trial and error.

And yes, there were times when I thought about adoption. I thought about it when I was pregnant, when she was young and then again when she became a teenager (not really but it would have been quieter at home without her). But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let myself fail as a mother. My sisters had children and they were doing okay. I can't fail.

I did get mad at myself for not doing things right. I cried. I was depressed, lonely, trapped, anxious and scared.

A newly pregnant friend would tell me that she was worried if she "made a mistake" when raising their child. Would that mistake make her a bad mom? No. And if you do make a mistake, just try something different. My daughter didn't catch my early mistakes and had no recollection of me trying multiple solutions.

I would be a mom again if I was blessed to have a second child. I would probably make mistakes the second time around. But at least I had SOME experience already.

I would tell you you need to get a place of your own but that can be expensive. But make sure your son knows you will protect him, love him, shelter him, hold him, hug him and teach him how to be a good person. That's really what defines a mom.

[Kaytee1981]

Your 100times the mum I am to my three girls aged 15, 12 and 8. Although I dont have the issues you do, the persistent crying days are long gone!

I'm not close to my girls at all, they would rather go to their dad for support than me, they dont come to me crying and if I hear them in their room I dont have the capability to comfort them. I meet all their physical needs, they are clothed and washed and presentable but beyond this I really struggling. I can help with homework but find it a struggle as they dont do it 'properly'!

So don't do yourself down, you've had a horrible start as a mum but now it's your chance to make the changes, which you are, carry on being strong x