Look Up Child: Hey guys, long post... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Look Up Child

katiebug12 profile image
13 Replies

Hey guys, long post alert. If you’re not ready to read then this post isn’t for you. But I will say that I feel the need to post about how everything’s been lately. I haven’t posted in a while, mostly because I started a journal and it kind of helps me to manually write down or vent on paper. Any who, I am wishing this post to find you well. If you’re reading this, thank you. If you need a little inspiration, this one’s for you.

Since all of us here struggle with some type of mental illness, we all know how much it affects our everyday lives. Depression has often told me I don’t have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Depression tells me I’m not good enough, depression says life will never get any better so why do I bother trying? Depression has convinced me on many days that I should just give up. In one of my previous posts I explained my difficulty in college, how I found myself really struggling with understanding depression. I landed a really good job after graduation, then found out I had failed a couple classes and wouldn’t be earning my degree. I went from having a really great job to no job at all. I landed right back into the classroom. I was so defeated and depressed that I didn’t even pass the next time I took these classes. So again, I wanted to just give up. Somehow I managed to put one foot in front of the other and finally I earned all A’s in these classes. I have never earned all A’s in my entire life.

I started training for a new job, I traveled for a conference, I came home to my boyfriend I was with for four years whom also took me to try on engagement rings months before; he wanted me out of the house and I needed to find somewhere else to go. I was confused, heartbroken, and for real this time - alone. I went back to my parents for the week, packing only a bag of clothes thinking maybe he needed some space to think. I came home from work that week after a 12 hour shift to my belongings boxed up sitting on my front porch. I was so drained I could barely carry the boxes inside my house. He was really done, it was over and I didn’t even know why.

It took me three months just to unpack. Boxes sat in my room stacked to the ceiling for three whole months. I tried to believe that maybe he would want me back. I questioned why I wasn’t good enough for him and I wondered if I will ever be happy. The day after Christmas my little brother left for the Army. Since I am working towards becoming a registered dietitian I was also filling out internship applications which really put me under a lot of stress. I finished all my applications and submitted everything hoping maybe I would end up getting a match. Cause something good needed to happen to me, right?

Months go by and I had sent my little brother a few letters while he was doing training for the Army. During the week I would find out if I was matched to an internship, I got a phone call. It was my little brother and I was so excited to talk to him. He and I had always been close and him being away was much harder than I ever thought it would be. He told me that he will be moving to Alaska, spending a few months training there and then this fall he will be deployed to Iraq. My heart sank. A few days later I opened up the matching portal for internships and found out I did not get matched to an internship. I blinked a few times at my computer just thinking I might wake up from a bad dream but nope, it was all real.

I remember going to work the next morning, knowing my boss would ask about if I had gotten into an internship. I walked into work, tried to avoid the subject. I didn't want to talk about it. I cried in the bathroom and on my lunch break. When I finally clocked out I get in my car and sit there a second. I turned my apple music on shuffle on the song "Look Up Child" by Lauren Daigle was the first to play. I didn't have the energy to change the song so I let it play.

The lyrics "Where are you now, when darkness seems to win? Where are you now, when the world is crumbling? I hear you say, look up child."

then more lyrics hit me as I am in my car letting this song play, "You're not threatened by the war, you're not shaken by the storm I know, you're in control. Even in our suffering, even when it cant be seen I know, you're in control."

I cried. I needed to hear those lyrics that day. I needed it with everything had been going on.... I had spent the last few years overloading myself with experiences, volunteer work, jobs, conferences, and networking only to find out the odds would not be in my favor. I just was broken up with by my boyfriend of four years. My little brother is going to Iraq. I didn't get accepted into an internship after all the hard work and sacrifices I put in over the last few years. And then two weeks go by- I spent most of my time alone, avoiding people, going on drives just so nobody can hear me cry, and even questioned my existence. One morning I woke up to two internships offering me a spot but I couldn’t take them because I could not afford to pick up and move to another state. Since my GPA and GRE scores were nothing to brag about, I wasn’t sure if any program would want me. Once again, I was convinced I am not good enough.

Depression wanted me to give up on my dreams of becoming a registered dietitian. Depression told me I would never be given the chance. Depression told me I was incapable of such growth or achievement. I had the idea in my head that someone would read my application, look at my GPA or GRE score and say “Ha, she’s funny.” And throw my application right into the trash.

Internships are quite competitive. The match rate is only 50%. Lots of people have to apply two and three times before gaining an internship. But then I woke up one morning to an email from an internship director who said they would allow me to complete my masters degree completely online and do my internship through facilities in my city, he offered me a spot in the internship and explained my application and experiences were “impressive” and described me as “inspiring”. I accepted the spot, I cried tears of joy, and I looked up to God and said, “Thank you.”

I unpacked everything I even started doing hobbies I used to enjoy again like painting and going to the gym. I stopped feeling haunted by my past relationship of my ex boyfriend who constantly told me my anti-depressants were making me fat and antagonized me every time I came home from therapy. I have realized that far better things lie ahead than anything I will leave behind.

I went through a lot of hard things within the last few months. But if my ex had never broken up with me and made me move back home with my parents, I would have never pushed myself to apply for internships right then because I had to afford bills and I didn’t think I could do it. If I hadn’t been rejected from a couple internships then offered positions at others then I would have never believed I had a single chance. If I had never found out my brother was being deployed to Iraq in the same week I wasn’t matched to an internship, I would have never known how to appreciate a good thing coming to me when it finally did. If my ex hadn’t of broken up with me, I would have never been able to confidently talk to my therapist.

I want everyone to know that depression doesn’t make you incapable, it doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t define who you are or what you do, depression makes you strong. Depression makes you brave, it makes you courageous and it makes you fight when you don’t think you can fight any more. Depression makes you every bit of capable as someone who has never experienced it a day in their life. Depression will try to make you forget what you’re made of and yet you have tried to prove it wrong every single day. Depression wanted to show me so many things I had lost over the last few months and it will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. But I hope to always know that of all the important things I could lose in my lifetime, the most important thing I never want to lose – is myself. And that is why I keep fighting.

I have sought mental health treatment for a while now. It was and has not always been easy fighting against my own brain. So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling, whatever may be going on in your life that is trying to challenge you, know that depression is trying to defeat you. Depression wants to convince you of negatives and I hope you choose to prove them all wrong no matter how hard it may feel sometimes. Don’t ever give up.

-"Look Up"

xoxo

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katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12
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13 Replies
snow_queen profile image
snow_queen

that's a beautiful post. I'm so sorry you went through all of that, but I'm so glad you're able to see how it's made you a better person. many people get more hardships than they deserve, and life is never fair, but not everyone manages to see the silver linings. thank you for posting :)

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply tosnow_queen

Thank you so much :) I truly appreciate it.

Agora1 profile image
Agora1

katiebug12, you are amazing. When you thought your world was crashing down

and doubts came flooding by, I saw a strength in you. Even before I finished your

post, I somehow knew that it was going to turn out for the good. And had you not

written that, I would have told you the same thing you wrote. Never lose yourself,

never give up. Things happen for a reason. You had to be in the right place at the

right time in order for your life to take a turn for the best.

I wish your brother well and for him to be safe while away.

And as for you katiebug, may your dreams of the future come true. One step at

a time will get you there. You've got this. :) xx

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply toAgora1

You are too kind. Thank you.

I appreciate the supportive and encouraging words. I am hoping for all the best in the future and for my brother's safety, too.

TrustnGod profile image
TrustnGod

Hello katiebug12. Such an inspiring story. Isn’t it crazy how God works out all things for our good? I listened to the song and loved it! How do you cope with really awful days that just bring you wayyy down?

-Lia

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply toTrustnGod

Thank you. I think on days when I am way down, I am really good at shutting down completely. I avoid all things, people, and doesn't really help me to necessarily move forward. I do however, give myself that time to feel those emotions. I know those emotions because that is what sinks me further into depression, it allows me to be controlled by depression. At one point, I never knew that was the start but now I know when it starts that I have to fight back from how it may control me. I want to stay in bed all day? I try my best to force myself to get up and go somewhere even if its only for a few hours. I want to avoid a social environment? I try to make plans to socialize on another day or at a different time. I don't think these ideas always work for me, but I am still learning. :)

Read through and kudos for sticking with things despite the negativity. Sometimes words, lyrics, and poems...they really provide a foundation we need. I hope you see all the strength in yourself in the manners you pushed above a lot of things that might otherwise send a depressed person down. Often, those of us with mental health issues are so hard on ourselves that we don't see the strength until later. In spite of all the unpleasant surprises and things that haven't gone to plan, you're doing this. Best wishes and thoughts, keep shooting for your dreams!

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply to

Thank you !

BoohPear profile image
BoohPear

Dear katiebug12. Sitting here with my tea and toast and I read your thoughts and wishes. I don't even know you but I'm so proud of you. You have an amazing life ahead of you and you are the one determined to make that happen. Please keep in touch now and again, you are an inspiration. Much love and many wishes . Maz 🐱xx

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply toBoohPear

Thank you for such kind words! I appreciate it!

TyJus profile image
TyJus

Hi Katiebug,

I have been struggling with clinical depression on & off for 20 years and yes it tries to take over your life and succeeds if you let it. Your post is very inspiring! You go girl! I wish you the best! Life is too short to let depression win...

AnIslandOfPeace profile image
AnIslandOfPeace

This brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why, but it did. Thank you so much for sharing this. I really hope to hear more from you.

katiebug12 profile image
katiebug12 in reply toAnIslandOfPeace

Thank you ! I really love all this support on here, I hope my posts will find you well! :)

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