I was just wondering what others have to say about what I’m going through and can relate. So I’m newly married...just over a year and half...my husband knew I had depression before we got married though it wasn’t as severe. So the last two months I took a turn for the worse and have very very severe depression, where many days I just take pills to knock me out to escape the torture.. my husband comes home from work and hardly even checks on me, if he does it’s a quick hi and bye...he never asks if I need anything etc. Seems distant and last night I was so bad I bawled for an hour and my brother who lives in the basement with us, came to see me and sat on my bed trying to talk to me and my husband walks in stood and stared at me like some bug or weird species and while I was looking down He looks at my brother and rolls his eyes...I didn’t see this but my brother couldn’t believe this. I just feel it was so disrespectful etc like in total disdain or hate even, he shows me no empathy or compassion, when he does sit with me I cry and tell him how I feel and he says NOTHING. What does anyone think of the eye rolling...Am I making too much of it...i was soooooo sick last night I was actually vomiting from anxiety and cud barely sit in bed...and he does that?He is of no comfort to me and I thank God for my brother here who looks after me when I’m so incapacitated with anxiety and depression. I’m actually to the point I just want to leave him...but I do love him, he is a good man, he says well you do whatever makes you happy etc. He will never commit to what he want me to do or what wud make him happy...Is my marriage dead or what? He is not a very affectionate man to begin with, but he has gotten worse and even more distant..I told him I would leave and he doesn’t have to put up with seeing me like this but he won’t say anything because he he said he doesn’t wanna live with the guilt...he said it’s my decision...ya so if I leave I live with the guilt and missing him knowing I made the choice..and then feel worse...I almost feel like not being around him right now ..I feel like I love him and would miss him yet the thought of being around him repulses me...I’ve just started losing respect for him...can’t he be more hands on and ask about my treatments, doctor appointments, things I’m doing or trying to get well...nope never....sorry this is so long. Any advice be so appreciated...dealing with depression and a cold husband in a new town I moved to for him with all his family and friends only none of mine...makes it hard when mine are all 10 hr drive away too.
Husband not being “there” for me - Anxiety and Depre...
Husband not being “there” for me
Oh darling I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I can relate to a point I been with my bf for 6 years and this past January I finally got up and left him what pushed me to do so after so long of thinking about it my mania contributed to this move.
Now my ex bf knows all about mental health because he has his own but as for support from him it’s very minimal. I have bipolar depression and anxiety. I have OCD thoughts and when I have a day where I’m not doing well instead of having reassurance I get told “it’s all my head, I am my worst enemy and yada yada yada”
Well duh that is true comes with the territory at times I want to smack the idiocy out of him. Mind you he was the one who told me to get help that something wasn’t right with me but at that time my pride and ego got in the way and I thought I was fine and nothing was wrong with me.
Well I left part to due with being in a manic episode and the other because I had contemplated it for a while because I wasn’t feeling I was getting the same support or understanding from him. We also argued constantly the minute I would try and sit to communicate with him on how I felt or what was going on the tables would turn and if it wasn’t about him it would be thrown in my face about how these are my demons and he can’t do anything about it.
Well I got up and left the one night I came out from the bedroom and told him I longer could do this anymore and that although I still love him I no longer was in love with him, I began to resent him and slowly was beginning to even hate him. I was with him for 6 years and lived with him for almost 5.
Support and understanding are a must I believe the vows you both took does mention “in sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer” if he isn’t willing to understand or be a support system honey don’t ignore the signs he is obviously giving/showing.
Thank you for sharing your story I appreciate it. I’m sorry that you finally had to leave after so many years together, but I can totally relate. I am at the point where I look at my husband and almost hate him too now because he is so cold and just doesn’t discuss my treatments etc with me. My brother knows more what’s going on with doctors or pills or new treatments and actually cares! I tell husband and he acts so disinterested, doesn’t ask one question...like why do I bother. I feel I’m all on my own...thank goodness my brother and my senior mother is here too. I wonder if the longer I stay if things will only get worse, I told him two days ago I will see how next few months go and then decide if I will leave. Thing is I dated him off and on for ten years and then we broke up for three years and he came to my home town to get me back and propose. He seemed so much nicer and was so eager to please me and seemed more affectionate also said we will get through this together...that lasted a few months after I moved here then he just sort of almost forgot about me.
It just upsets me that he won’t give an inch and tell me what HE wants...like does he even really truly love me anymore? I told him last night i feel so bad for you being stuck with me here and seeing me in this misery and that I could move...he sat quiet...I get nothing out of him. Like he just won’t open up much...barely talks...we too were arguing a lot before and it caused my anxiety and depression to get worse...I got much worse since I moved in with him. Now I tHink he is at the point where I can never go out with him so he goes to all the functions etc alone and has no issues with leaving me at home and doesn’t care anymore..somehow it seemed like it use to bother him but not anymore.
I feel like since I’m depressed he is repulsing me and I don’t even wanna be around him, I’m wondering if it’s just the depression...I don’t think it is...I think it’s a bit of everything. I feel so hopeless, moving again will be so expensive, but I do hate it here, I hate this house too I am in.
Darling it sadness me to hear you going through all of this. The night I left, he went in a hysterical cry but I had made my mind up, I wanted to keep what ever good was left between us. I didn’t want it to get any further of hating him or resenting him because those are very strong feelings to have towards someone.
I believe that if someone truly loves you, they should be there for you in worst of times and in best of times. You have to be a team and I don’t agree with it always having to be 50/50 there will be some days where one of you will have to put in 80 while the other can only do 20%.
I’m glad your brother and mother are there for you, like I have my mother and brother. I just went to bed after watching 2 comedy specials on Netflix with my brother. He tries his best to always put a smile on my face he is a big jokester. I’m not to sure how much of my mental health he is aware of but I also keep it that way as to not stress him out. We lost our father at a very young age I was 10 and he was 8.
From what you say about your husband not having much input on anything that is going with you seems to me he doesn’t really care. It seems to me already your are alone that and on your own and he is just a body there in the house. Sorry for being so blunt about it but I call it like it is.
My ex gave me some support but I also have come to the conclusion that he is narcissistic because of the signs I have seen and what he has shown. I never have left a relationship to go give it a second chance, but am currently doing so with this one. We are in the he midst of reconciling but this time around I’m going with my head over my heart. We we’re doing good but just recently things have taken a turn and he has regressed back to who he was.
I left and moved back in with my mom and brother but the last 3 weeks was back at my apartment but he went on a family vacation last Wednesday and comes back tomorrow but things between us have t been so good even with him a few hundreds of miles away. It has made me think and take a look at things this past week. I came back to my mom’s house and been here since I dropped him and his family at the airport and honestly after I pick them all up I’m not so sure if I will be going back to the apartment tomorrow or the next day or the next day.
Currently I am very angry with him so I think it’s best we have some time apart although we been away from each other for a week.
I am here for you if you need to vent, talk, or advice, anything. Wishing you all the best my dear. Keep I touch please.
Hi this must be very distressing for you. He sounds like the type of person who is repressed emotionally and isn't good at 'doing feelings'. Men especially are prone to going into their cave to escape a situation they feel inadequate in. Have you tried to explain calmly to him how you feel and how he can help you? Take it in turn to speak but do not under any circumstances bring the concept of 'blame' into it. Just share how it makes each of you feel. Keep it very calm and take it in turns to talk and most important listen to each other.
If you have tried all this and it doesn't work then you will have to decide whether you can stay with him, or cut your losses and leave. I presume you have more of a support network where you lived before so is it possible to return there? You do have your brother who sounds brilliant, but do you have any other support such as friends or other family members? Don't forget these days you can skype and email.
Another option is whether you are receiving any medical help or not? If not then why not see a doctor and/or get yourself some counselling. Remember too that you can't get blood out of a stone.... x
Thank you for the advice. Yes I have tried to talk n talk and it seems to get nowhere, he just sits there. Doesn’t know what to say can’t explain why he is the way he is...yet he will say I do so much for you....ummm....ya like what renovating HIS house...I will go out of my way to still Do things to him to look after him (back rubs, nice dinners etc)and worry about him, even though I have my own income, not like I owe him anything...I pay all my own way...yet I’m the sick one and I’m catering to him? Even for Easter I bought him a nice card with a bunch of tickets, and bought his two grown daughters lovely bouquets to take to his family dinner, as I was too sick to go, I cried in bed all day, and he brought me nothing....he is just super thoughtless, grew up watching a father who didn’t know how to treat his mother and then they divorced...so I’m thinking he Got like this from his dad. So I guess I deserve what I’m getting...I just didn’t know be this bad. I mean yesterday he did text me when he was out and asked if I needed anything and he actually came to my bedroom to sit for ten minutes and ask if I needed anything? But somehow it feels like it’s forced as I just gave him heck about all this day before...so now it feels forced...but I guess time will tell....
Yes I see doctors and and am on meds and supplements...I’ve had this for twenty years...but I’m going through a very severe bout of depression right now brought on by stress of this house I hate, the move here, new husband, not use to, as I am 50and never been married and was quite independent, and probably perimenopause too...
It sounds like your husbands needs are coming first and you are expected to just tag along for the ride. My sisters husband is like this and doesn't do emotion very well. But she has been teaching him for a long time and he has got a lot better. She expects him to be adult and look after himself and certainly doesn't spoil him. He has to tow the line and do his fair share (not in a hen pecked way) and decision are joint ones. They do love each other and have been together a long time, but she attends to her own needs as well as she knows what she needs and is self aware.
I hope you can find a way through this. x
Yes I can relate my husband was super spoiled by his mom and then his first wife...so then I carried on the tradition of babying him..omg when he is sick I check on him 50 times and cater to him...I’m more of a giver then a taker...he is obviously a taker...I enjoy looking after people..I looked after my dad with Alzheimer’s now my mom who will be 88...I just can’t see him ever being nurturing to his parents at all...even though he is a man...some men are just not wired to be like that...my brother is very giving and compassionate so was my dad...guess I’m just use to men like that...
When I think of it I remember a few years back my husbands adult daughter telling her dad he needs to grow up...he is pretty selfish...just into his wants and needs..leave him to do his sports and activities and friends stuff and he is in heaven...but really serious or confrontational stuff he can’t handle...actually you answered a few questions I had by your post...I’m married to a child😳😳😳 who is use to being the one with all the nurturing and care...but doesn’t have a clue how to give it or want to give it...spoiled brat is what he is😡lol. Thanks for waking me up some....
Maybe you can teach him if you have the patience? He does sound very selfish though and expects women to take care of him. Maybe stop this for a while and see how he responds? x
Yes, since I’ve been so depressed I can’t take care of him and cater to him like I use to...so ya we will see how he adapts and likes it...I think he can do it but is just lazy. I think due to this we have even become more distant...ya because I can’t baby him and look after him which was only love we would show each other...by kissing me thank you etc for the nice meal or whatever I’d do for him..
Does he do anything for you at all? Maybe he doesn't realise it's not a one way street and he has to spoil you sometimes too. Perhaps you could ask him to do something and encourage him when he does. For example he could buy you flowers or chocolate.... or even wine. Wine helps most things!
Sorry just had silly thought - is it a bit like training a dog? 
Told you it was a silly thought. xx
Hahaha...it’s silly but so very true😃....yeah I get flowers for my birthday or Valentine’s Day and nothing ever in between...oh once he did out of nowhere and it was because he visited his adult daughter and she asked him well dad do you ever bring her flowers etc just because he said no...so that night he did...that was last February but then Valentine’s Day I got nothing because it was so close to the day...but no he won’t just bring me lil gifts or flowers ever...but he did tell me he had a vasectomy done for me ten years ago😂😂😂😂😂...yes all for only me...lucky lucky me...lol
I give him back massages or rub his neck he loves head rubs...but me...nah never...I’m not one to ask I feel if I have to ask it doesn’t come from the heart..so it’s not worth it...gee he really is sounding like a cave man😬
Well how about giving him a back rub and tell him to pay attention coz you expect one back? There are lots of way of asking without having to ask if you see what I mean! x
Yes, I probably should ask...but I’m not an asker type...so that would be hard...honestly I feel like this....it’s not the act of getting the back rub that’s so important...it’s the thought that he offered and was thoughtful enough to ask me etc...that’s more I,portent to me...shows he cares and wants me to relax and feel good....even if he asked and I said. NO...that would mean the world to me like 10 back rubs but he just never does ask...but he is. Or like that so I either shut up or put up with it or leave one day I guess. Thing is he is a good guy...he doesn’t call me abusive names, never hits me, was a good father, works hard....not a cheater or alcoholic...he just is cold and unaffectionate...and thoughtless....sigh😞😞
I heard a story once of a young women who never learnt how to treat guests who visited her. Because her own family didn't do this she didn't know that you offered them a drink and biscuits or cake etc. so they left quickly, she didn't know why and got very upset. Your husband has been spoiled and isn't aware of this type of thing so either you teach him, accept he is thoughtless, or leave him. I would try and teach him as he might learn this and become more thoughtful.
A bit of training and self assertiveness goes a long way and could improve him a lot. You can't expect others to be mind readers and know what you want and need and if thoughtfulness is such an issue, then you either have to address it or accept this is the way he is. Just my thoughts. x
hi karmakat,
i am so sorry to hear you are going through this. it sounds so incredibly painful to be suffering, and that your husband's coldness is contributing to this. i am in a similar situation. my fiance and i are more distant than ever now because of the impacts of my depression/complicated grief and work/work schedule. we are more likely to break up than to marry. the most painful times are when i am ignored in my own home and when my partner avoids me to avoid hearing anything negative.
i think it is important to think of a breaking point. what you described is really disrespectful and outright hurtful behavior on your husband's behalf. he may be overwhelmed by how much you are hurting, and yet he has the responsibility to at least make an attempt to support you and help you feel heard. has he done this in the past? has he always been this disinterested? is he aware of how coldly he is treating you? does he think he has any empathy or sympathy for you? if so, how does he show it?
i think you have shared some pretty significant red flags here. it makes sense to feel like you would rather be away from someone who treats you the way you described. love is important, but it is not the only important component of a relationship.
again, i am so sorry for your pain. please know you are not alone. hugs from texas.
Thank you for telling me your story. I feel so awful for you too, as we seem to be in similar situations..my husband ignores me as well....I feel like we are room mates and passing between rooms, I have tried to be more affectionate, sit and cuddle with him on the couch, rub his neck when he Is driving, grab his hand..he does NOTHING back, one day when his back was sore and I was so depressed I gave him an hour long back massage...I get nothing...oh I get an occasional text when he is out asking me if I need anything...
for me the not knowing truthfully how he feels about me or my situation is the hardest...i told him if you want me gone, I can go, if you don’t i will stay...he can’t even tell me that...he just says well do whatever you think will help your depression...never says oh please don’t go I love you, stay we will work on this etc...so his lack of giving me correct answers even if it’s to leave...I don’t even care...but then I’d know! I don’t know if he is just so horribly bad at communicating or scared I’ll kill myself if he says leave, or he wants out...I promised him I wouldn’t, or he needs some of my financial help with the house we just bought...or maybe he really really loves me...and is just so awkward and weird in situations like this..like handling illness or maybe I’m turning him right off.....but I’m feeling resentful and almost hateful towards him now...like his own grown daughter told me once ya dad is pretty thoughtless...I should have run then....
Hugs from Canada...🤗
Please write anytime if I can be of any assistance to you also...I know what your going through must be super hard.
I'm sorry you are suffering so much. You need to be your own advocate when comes to your health, mentally, emotionally and physically. Your husband isn't equipped to do this for you and obviously doesn't understand your feelings in this, but he can't be blamed either in your depression. You know you are prone to these depths and must decide if you want to pursue this help for yourself. I know how difficult this is, as I suffered depression when I was very young and I almost killed myself. But once I saw that the world was going to go on without me my perspective changed. I hit rock bottom and slowly began to float upward again. Don't allow yourself to hit rock bottom. It's not necessary to getting better. You need to be willing to do the difficult work of taking care of you and not depending on others to fill you up with what may be missing. Later in my life I lived in an unhappy space because my husband was so difficult and going through his own issues. I had to find a refuge, a space within myself, to survive the oppression and verbal abuse. I managed to persevere through 22 years of this. Things are finally better and it's made me a stronger person. You must be your own best friend, pray, meditate on good things, set goals. No matter how sad you feel, find purpose in the little things. Grab joy and savor it where ever you find it. Engage with others, even if you don't want to. Isolation is not an option if you really want to get better. I wish you the best in your journey. Only you can find the way my friend. Be blessed.
Yes I agree with you I need to fix myself too, and I am the one doing it, I do listen to meditation videos and do affirmations when I’m able. Plus supplements and meds etc...All I would like is to not be ignored by such a heartless cold thoughtless man...I mean what do I need him for? If he can’t be there for me to support me or ask how things are...I just find this very selfish...not the way my family was raised...we are always there for each other helping, asking if we need help ...I dunno I’m just so lost and confused. I have also never ever blamed him one bit for my depression, I’ve had it for many years before him, but his treatment of me is not helping when he fights with me etc. Thank you for,your reply I appreciate it a lot.
It is true.. he is being heartless and thoughtless. He doesn't have the compassion needed in your situation to help and support your emotional needs. Some people are only good in a relationship when things are going well. You asked the perfect question: What do you need him for? The best thing then is to not expect anything from him. I know, it would be great if he could be supportive in the way one would expect a husband to be. But many people in today's world are only interested in themselves. When someone is unable or unwilling to be by our side in times of trouble we have to release them from that, and in so doing free ourselves from that expectation. Then we can fully focus on our own healing. Forget about him for a little while and focus on your own healing. Have no expectations from him or others. This will only frustrate your best efforts. Connect with those who do care and can relate to you. And if possible seek counseling for yourself and your husband if you want to improve your relationship with him. Joanne 1972 made a great point, to not make any big decisions until you're feeling better.
Thank you, yes I told him last night I won’t make any harsh decisions and see how the next few months or summer goes and see where we are at. I agree and actually have been doing this for awhile...not focusing on him but more me...I think this is why we have become more distant because I was the one putting in any of the effort...but no more...I’m gonna just focus on me...I can’t babysit him while I a mom so sick...I’m not just depressed I have such bad physical symptoms too...so I can’t do it anymore it is just too much.
I just wanted to add a little note, I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't make any major decisions whilst in the throws of major depression. Remember how you feel against your husband and how he is treating you and make a decision wether to leave when your depression has lifted as you may see things differently.
Just wondering why your husband unable to show compassion or effectionate....maybe if you understand why he is the way he is it will make it easier to decide if you can accept him that way.
So sorry you are going through this, thank goodness you have your brother there for support, he sounds wonderful.
All the best to you
Jo
Thank you so much for the advice..I appreciate it...I agree to wait...with any sort of harsh decision, I have made bad decisions in the past when I was depressed and regretted them...I think because I do have so many regrets it adds to my situational type of depression too which isn’t good.
I really don’t know why my husband is like this...his dad is like this so maybe he just grew up not showing emotion or knowing how to show empathy and compassion. But in the mean time yes I will just see how it goes...I’m too sick to move right now anyways....thanks again.
It's hard when you feel like people aren't sensitive or don't understand about mental illness. My partner and I both suffer from mental illness, so he definitely knows what it's like, but he still has very little patience with me when I am having a bad bout of anxiety. It hurts sometimes, but I'm trying to think differently about it. Maybe I don't need to depend on him as much as I do. Maybe I need to learn to be my own support system and stop worrying about what he thinks. On the other hand, if he's going out of his way to be an asshole about it, that's another thing. I love my partner, but at the end of the day, I'm going to do what I need to take care of myself, regardless of what he thinks.
Yes, that is the problem many people just don’t understand anxiety or depression, unless they have had it. I know if my husband lived my torturous mental anguish he would definitely be more compassionate...you would think me laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position bawling and begging God to heal me or kill me already would be a clue...not that I did it for attention...because I don’t...it was just how frustrated, broken and dreadful I felt..he just happened to come home early...anyways, I sort of have been ignoring him not worrying about him and just see what happens for now...thing is I don’t need him for support system..I have that in friends I talk to, family and my mom and brother are here...it’s just hurtful that he is like that...I mean to me I feel like does he even love me...how can he be so cruel or heartless? So that’s what I’m worried about is if I made a bad decision even marrying such a person? I don’t need him for anything...I just want to feel loved...the kind of deep bonded love you hear about.....where the husband would do anything for his wife... right now it feels like he can take me or leave me...it’s not a great feeling....you know what I mean?
I know exactly how you are feeling, as I have had the similar situation with my husband. I however have been married to him for 21 years. And one would think that after being married that long he would be more concerned with my mental health, but he has not been at all. When I first started going through the depression all he kept saying to me was go get some pills and maybe you will be better. He never once tried to understand anything that I was going through or even acted like he even really cared about it at all. Last weekend I think he had a little bit of an eye opener, when he overheard myself and his younger brother talking about our depression. And I mentioned that there was a couple times that I was in my car and I wanted to just drive off and never come back to my home or my family. I'm hoping that him hearing this will change how he views my depression, but I'm not sure. I have come to the point that I no longer tell him how I am feeling and I just go off and do my own thing, which seems to make him even worse, but sometimes you have to think about yourself and what is best for you. My children are all older now and they have shown me more love and compassion as I have been going through this, then I could ever ask for. They are the reason that I keep going and keep fighting.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are lucky you have such awesome kids and they are there for you. Yes you would think after 21 years he would definitely try understand it..I mean if you love someone, which is what I’m struggling to understand in my own husband, wouldn’t they try to research and read online about it or there is even videos on you tube what to say or do when a loved one is depressed etc. I mean if they don’t know what to say or do...learn! But I feel like in my husband anyways, he just doesn’t take enough interest in my health or my healing, I am quite bad with depression where I have planned out my suicide to the last detail..he and my family all know about this....so he knows it is a horrible illness and what illness is worse where you actually kill yourself...and yet he is not very supportive. But yet when his ex father in law who was almost 90 had cancer he was there all the time sitting at his bedside and crying etc...supporting him but his own wife who bawls and is planning suicide...meh..not a big deal. Does he think this is an act? He says he knows it’s not...yet still no compassion or kind words...
I guess because you have been married for quite a number of years you probably know him very well and feel secure that he truly loves you even though he sucks when it comes time to being there for you when depressed....but because I have dated this man off and on for ten years and he broke up with me 4 previous times before he asked me to marry him...I just wonder again, if we weren’t married would he have been dumping me again...so I’m just trying to figure this out..I mean I Iove him but I’m fine if he wants out...just the not knowing and the insecurity I feel hurts right now. And I just don’t need this while I’m trying to really survive right now...I haven’t been in such a bad bout of deep depression for 20 years....if I had ever known it would have gotten so bad I would never have even gotten married...i find it harder being depressed and married then being single. So sometimes I feel like I wish he would dump me again just so I can go be in peace n quiet and be depressed and not try to maintain a marriage. It’s like many days I don’t even want to look at him either now...because the resent is setting in.
I think this is very common with partners of people struggling with their mental health. My partner has dealt with his fair share of mental health issues and because of this I expected him to be much more understanding when I was going through my own struggles. He acted similar- not saying anything when I would try to open up about the dark place I had been finding myself in, and because of this I concluded he didn't care about me at all. But after some time I was able to confront him about this and let me say this loud so the people in the back can hear NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND. YOU NEED TO BE 100% CLEAR TO YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU NEED AND WHEN YOU NEED IT. Expecting him to react in a way I needed him to was unrealistic. And when we spoke about it he told me that it was too hard to hear me, someone he loves so much, to be in the same dark place he was many years ago and that it was simply was too hard so he pretended I wasn't going through anything. However I can only speak about my own relationship and that is only a potential answer. If you are 100% clear about how you need him to react when you are struggling and what you need from him and he still acts the same way or is not willing to work on it or change then yes you should really examine if he is the right partner for your needs. You've got to take care of you first, everyone else second, and it took me a long time to figure that out. Hope this helps!
Hi thank you, yes your reply did help me and it reassured me maybe he does care or actually truly love me...I dunno...has a cold funny way of showing it though...but I don’t exactly need him to do much for me...just come visit me in the bedroom or living room sit down beside me...grab my hand ask how I am etc...just put his arm around me and say how you feeling...I don’t need him to do a lot...but yes he has told me in the past...before I got severe depression that he can’t read my mind and I should tell him...but I said well it’s just common sense sometimes or thoughtfulness that I shouldn’t have to tell you...but I know what you mean...I have gotten better with that..I just want him to actually just want to be around me or talk to me...we just act like brother and sister...no lil hugs like he use to, not much kisses, just hello or goodbye, use to be a common thing, mind you I initiated a lot of it...so now I’m too depressed to do it and we are never ever affectionate...sigh...I guess I should have known he was a “cold fish” as I have told him...but won’t change or try be more attentive or affectionate...so guess it’s my issue for marrying him.
Thank you for your post...I really appreciate it a lot...maybe when I feel better a marriage counselour would be a good option ....I just wanted to know if others out there have trouble dealing with a spouse when they have depression...seems lots do...so I don’t feel so alone.
I watched other peoples' marriages where this happened. Happened in our family, too. Almost like 2 sides/teams of thought and reaction form and become cemented. I so feel for you. It's good that you have your brother with you, who understands, but the real issue is how your spouse is reacting. Does he come from a warm, close family? Are they distant and afraid of other people's illnesses and discomforts? Even Jane Austen wrote about people in the early 1800's keeping the same kind of distance from others who were going through misfortunes, physical or emotional pains...a lot of people aren't raised to be familiar with these things, so they don't react because they don't know how, they are afraid because they don't know what to do, or they are just so uncomfortable with sharing feelings and trying to comfort. You may have to bring up marital therapy, family therapy, or whatever it takes to get this communication path open. This, too, could help you with your own feelings, as well...will be praying for you, both...I do hope you have a breakthrough and find the peace you so deserve!
Thank you..yes he comes from a selfish thoughtless family in general...just like you described...well maybe not that bad...but they are not a warm and fuzzy family...his mom is...and babies him still...I just think he is spoiled and thinks women should do everything for the man and they don’t have to do nothing...his dad is exactly like that...his step mom said she should have never married him..I said my husband I said like that she said run as fast as you can..I should have listened.
Bummer, sweetie...what a shame! :>( Well, if this is going to work, it's going to take a lot of persuading on your part...I think if I were in your shoes, now having this info., I would be looking to get counseling for myself, first...maybe, marital counseling, to start with; if you already have personal counseling going on for your condition, all the better.
If you can't persuade him to go, it may be time to look into a trial separation of sorts...I don't know what your financial situation is, but I would also look to safeguarding whatever you know you own, yourself, just in case of any weird financial emergencies that may emerge, due to spousal difficulties...:>( Glad that your brother is there, with you...maybe he can help you come up with a safeguard plan?
If you have an attorney, it might be a good idea, also, to just have a chat and get some 2nd opinions, concerning your situation...you want any medical coverage that you have to continue, uninterrupted. If you can't afford--or, don't have--an attorney of your own, hopefully there is a free legal website that might be able to help you.
Sounds like his behavior is pretty ingrained and supported by family ways...but, you should be supported, too! You are just as important!
Let us know how things go--keep in touch! Praying for a better outcome for you!
Hello Karmakat,
Yes, depression is hard to deal with. What do you do during the day? do you have a job or get out of the house at all? Have you tried to get out and visit with his family? Have you looked into getting involved in the community- ie such as a local church?
I remember when my husband and were really struggling during our early years of marriage, a friend asked me "what are you doing to help encourage your husband? Do you think you might be only thinking of yourself? - I was feeling sorry for myself- I was feeling overwhelmed and I had these high expectations of my husband. I did not think to realize that he had been out working over 8 hours every day making a living for us. Then I expected him to pick up at home where I had left off at. I had to learn to change my attitude and pick myself up and find a way to be an encouraging wife and mother. He was tired after putting a hard day at work and having to deal with all the chaos and problems there then come home and have to problem solve family issues." Once my friend helped figure that out I started noticing my husband and kids started paying more attention to me and we started being a family once again. - "We cannot change others, but we can change who we are."
Hi when I just moved here I was renovating his house, painting and cleaning...(last fall and winter)he bought his mother’s house and he mays well have moved me into dump...a very stressful situation, she was a borderline hoarder and left most of it behind while I was moving my trucks in, we were carrying her stuff out..it was super stressful..and the house was so filthy, it was unbelievable,,,so yes when I moved in I helped be supportive and plugged along...I’m retired so I was home all day working and scrubbing and packing his moms stuff up...he would go to work and be out of the mess and stress...while I’m trying to unpack my stuff...my sister flew down to help me...but I wasn’t quite as depressed so I was managing over many months I got worse n worse...still trying to cater to him ...make his meals, did all the cooking cleaning, grocery shopping he had to do none of that...then when I crashed with severe severe depression and anxiety I couldn’t even go out and was throwing up from the anxiety...I literally felt like had the flu and would cry almost every day in agony. I was literally shaking from my illness...that’s when I needed him and he hasn’t been there...I still tried to cook meals for him and tend to his needs and ask how work was and take an interest best I could in his outside life....now I noticed he is hiding his phone all the time and gets late night texts every night...so I’m thinking maybe he is texting another lady and this would explain his distance and no affection...I tried to be affectionate..i mays well hug the wall for all the good it is....so no I’m not the selfish one here ...I can only do so much when I’m so sick and not sleeping all night. I just need him to be there for me with kind words, tell me he loves me or bring me a cup of tea once would be nice..but nope none of it...it’s hard to go out when your so are so severe, Im Talking suicidal depression, to go join in on community things and go out with friends etc...I wouldnt be asking for help on here if I had mild depression, I can deal with that...and have been most of my life...that one is easy..this kind is dreadful dark and incapacitating...so I’m sorry if I can’t do more for him...and tend to his needs more...but I get NOTHING from him....poor lost guy I told him watching such a sick wife struggle must be getting sick of it...I told him I would give him an out and leave...but he says it’s up to me. Seems he doesn’t even care If I leave only he needs my money for the house....and keep in mind I only moved in last August...we just married...and he is already being like this..where it’s all about him...what happened to his move here and I will look after you and we will get through this together?? That sure didn’t last...I tired...he gave up long ago....sorry I’m sort of venting...as I’m just upset at him..not you. And also no I’m not the type to ever feel sorry for myself.I’ve looked after a father with Alzheimer’s...for years ...only me with five other siblings doing nothing, except for my brother but mostly me and now I’m looking also after my 88 year old mother.I have no time to feel sorry for myself....just want an understanding grown mature man to discuss my health with and help me deal....is that too much to ask?..Thank you for your advice though.
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