My Life Story. Contain’s sexual abuse please be Aware

[Startagain191]

I don’t really know how to talk about this and this is part of my life story as I’m writing this I’m worrying that people will look at me definitely I’ve never spoken about most of this only to my grandma and my doctor so this will be my first time putting this out there I don’t want any sympathy or people judging me for this I just need to see if it will help me so ok here goe’s when I was 7 years old I started being sexually abused by my grandad he would force me to go down on him pushing my head down when I resisted he would make things a whole lot worse by strapping my arms up and forcing a wine bottle inside of me just for him to see how far it would go up I screamed but he didn’t care he just put things in my mouth to shut me up he completely convinced me that If I told anyone they would blame me and I would get taken away so I kept it hidden as I turned 11 years old I told my grandma she believed me but my grandad ran police looked for him but he was never track down so justice was never done all though I had been seen by hospitals and they confirmed I have severe damage inside me and also on the outside but he was never court and done for what he did to me during that time of me dealing with sexual abuse my mum was an alcoholic she was going out and leaving me to look after my two little sisters to cook for them and bath them ready for bed I would stay awake and wait for my mum to return home most nights she didn’t but when she did she would always bring a strange man back home with her I was having to be a mother to my sisters when they fell poorly I would have to bath them clean up there sick and everything a mother should do on top of this I was going to school and holding everything inside of me making out I was ok but really I wasn’t I just wanted someone to help me I was being bullied on a daily basis at school but the school never really stopped it they did what they could I guess but still it continued I would return home to having to care for my sisters and play the roll of being a mum as she would be out the door as soon as I got in my dad had walked out on us way before any of this happened so he was never around as I got older we moved home and my mother had got with a new man he moved in with us right away and that’s when my life turned again this man had many friends that would come around and drink with them one night I was up in my room listening to them getting drunk and the music being so loud that me and my sisters couldn’t sleep as my bedroom door opened a man walked in and told me my mum said it was ok for him to come and see me for awhile I new something wasn’t right I could tell I wanted to cry but the more I held my tears back the more they fell down my face he walked up to me and sat on my bed he placed his hand on my leg and told me I have to play his game I refused said I would tell that’s when his face changed he said if I didn’t play then he would go and play with my little sisters instead oh my god how my heart broke I wanted to scream just when everything had stopped from my grandad this was really going to happen again I couldn’t allow him to hurt my sister’s so I done as I was told feeling sick and crying wanting it to end so I could go and check on my sisters that’s all I could think about was if someone else had gone into there room I couldn’t allow anyone to hurt them the way I was hurting this continued to happen to me every 4 nights sometimes the same man or different men either way I had to deal with it the best I could I new my mum wasn’t going to help me I think at this point I realised that maybe she new want was happening to me these men did things that I don’t feel I can even type down but I really feel like I have to so please don’t send hate my way if you read this anyway this one man would lick me between my legs while playing with himself he would do this for that long it made me bleed all over as he had a beard it cut into me he would then wipe me down and apply cream to me told me I loved it because I was a dirty slag that liked to have that done to me some of the other men did a lot worse sorry I’m crying right now typing this I don’t feel I can continue all I can say is things never got better for me only worse even as I got older my mum beat me smashed my head against brick walls put a hole in my wind pipe plus many other things that have happened it’s just to much for me to deal with none of these men ever got done by the police as my mum would never allow me to say anything I’m now 31 and nothing has got better for me I’ve held this in for many many years part of this I couldn’t even tell my doctor as I didn’t want him to look at me in anyway I’m still scared inside that feeling has never left me please don’t feel sorry for me as that’s not what I want I just wanted to get this out of me for the first time wanting to see if it’s going to help me I’m not sure it’s going I’m sorry it’s a long story to read and if you have seen what I’ve put please I beg you don’t send me hate as I really don’t want that thank you for spending the time in reading this and I send all hope and love your way in dealing with your own problems I pray you will get though it

[hypercat54]

Oh my god you poor darling. I have got tears in my eyes reading your dreadful story and I just want to punch the lights out on all those abusive monsters who could do that to a little girl. I am so angry that anyone could do this to a child. Horrible.

I think you are incredibly strong and brave to have come through it and I hope you are getting all the help you need and deserve to deal with it.

No one least of all us will judge you for it or see you differently and I hope it will help you sharing your story. I bet it feels good (if very emotional) to have got that off your chest. Talk to us anytime and we will do our best to support and encourage you as much as we can. You are by far not our only member to have suffered sexual abuse as a child and I am sure some of them will be in shortly. Love and hugs. xx

[Kkimm]

I am devastated to hear what you had to go through as a child. I so hope you have gained some relief in telling your story. You are so brave, strong and beautiful to have survived this.

Are you able to talk and share your experiences with your sisters at all. They too must have had a terrible time sharing the same childhood. You were so brave trying to protect them and should never, never have been put in that position.

Have you been able to have any therapy for what you have gone through?

Before I retired I worked with foster carers who care for children who have been sexually abused and I would be very happy for you to message me anytime and I will answer as soon as I can. As Hypercat said I am sure it would help you greatly to talk to others who have been through the same thing and I hope you will get some replies from others who have had similar experiences. If you could join a therapy group for those who have had similar experiences it could be very helpful.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you and anyone else who has suffered abuse.

Kim

[Mary-intussuception]

Hello Startagain

You are very Brave as well as Beautiful. Are you in regular contact with your sisters still ? Are they ok?

You sacrificed yourself to save them from serious, horrendous harm.

You deserve a medal - how could any good person ever hate you?

I pray that God will deal with all the Monster predators.

Also, that you will be able to move on to have a safe and happy life.

God Bless x

Mary

🌹♡🌹♡🌹

[Startagain191 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Thank you so much for your kind words 🥰 and yes my sisters are completely fine they have grown up without any harm and are living very happy life’s I still see them from time to time but not as often as I would like to but I understand as they work and are having to take care of there children also but it’s lovely when I get to see them our children get on brilliant they don’t remember much from when they was little only little things but to be honest I took everything I did because I didn’t want anyone to hurt them like I was being hurt I would give my life for them I hope god can hear your prayer’s as I could really need some healing thank you again for your support I’m so very thankful 🥰 X

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Startagain191]

What a great achievement! You succeeded in protecting your sisters and they have grown up happy and well - and that is all thanks to you.

You should be proud of yourself.

God Bless x

[optimuscoolbeans]

You are a warrior at heart. You have given me so much hope. Your courage is beyond words.

[Missy_D]

You poor poor lady Such a harrowing and terrifying read. As has been said previously, no one on here will judge you. No one on here will hate you. IF, if anyone replies and it is at all hateful then please report them. You only deserve people empathy, support and love so you can have a better future and hopefully bury your past. You are definitely not alone and I hope you can gather strength by knowing this.

[KrazyCAse]

I will keep you in my heart and know that you are loved by someone who doesn't know you. The only person that will be judged are the ones who did that to an innocent child. My blood boils when it comes to those that do something to a child. In my mind those kind of people have a one way ticket straight to hell. I hope that you find some sort of relief by telling us about your experiences. I hope you find happiness in life and know that you have much love by being here ❤️ our hearts go out to you ❤️ you have gained strength and will be rewarded for your efforts in protecting your siblings. Please know that..... I love you

[argh52]

You poor thing. No one here hates you. Everyone hates what was done to you, but that's not you or who you are.

[Michdau1]

We will NEVER judge you. This is not your fault so we could not judge you anyway ❤️ there is a massive difference between pity and compassion. I have so much compassion for you reading your post. I feel sorry that happened to you but I don't feel sorry for you because I FEEL IN AWE OF YOU. What you have dealt with, come through and how you've shared is remarkable. It's such a significant and selfless thing to do and I bet so many ppl are reading this with complete admiration and gratitude for you ❤️❤️❤️ I have no doubt there are ppl that can relate to the events and feelings you describe on some levels so you are not alone. I'm sure you've made many ppl feel less alone by sharing. you are stunning xxx

[Stilltrying_]

Sending hugs ((()))). You have NOTHING to feel ashamed about and EVERYTHING to be proud of yourself for. You survived horrendous abuse and protected your siblings which was noble and amazing of you. If anyone ever says anything bad about you in relation to what happened then that would be their problem. You never did anything wrong. Other people inflicted terrible crimes onto you.

You are brave and I hope it has helped you to write it out and to see that we all believe in you and your goodness completely my friend. I am so glad you have contact with your sisters and that your children get along well together. It's time to make the most of your life now. You have survived terrible times but must have a lot of inner strength and determ ination. I agree with the others that there will be people reading your post who will have been helped in that they too may be going through something like this and realise they are not alone.

💙💙💙💙 XXXXX Gemma