dreaming of you... **TRIGGER WARNING*** sexual abuse.

[lil_avocado]

so to start this off I was raped about from around age 9 to 12 by my mother's husband. I was young and grew up in a very broken home, with very broken people. dad was in and out of my life, still is about 11 years later.

there's a little back story... there's alot to it and I've posted about my childhood some on here.

to get back on track I've dealt with this since it has all happened, who wouldn't... I've had my fair shares of doubting my self worth, self harm, suicide attempts, running away, having bad boyfriends / girlfriends, having severe depression, anxiety, paranoia and just taking everything out on myself. I thought that I was the fault for everything bad that's ever happened to me.

I used to dream about him alot... I used to dream about it happening again, him coming back, him finding me, or my mother taking him back. I've had dreams like this since I was 15. this last year I've done everything to re process my brain to stay positive, I've grown and healed so much.. I fell in love, got engaged, moved in with my partner, got a job, a car.. did everything everyone said I couldn't or would.. the man who took my innocence away was in the back of my head and stayed there. I barely thought about it. I wasn't going to let it affect my current relationship and good life I have going. I recently opened up to my fiance about a sexual abuse encounter I had when we were split up. I went to a party, drank way to much and the girl I went to the party with was no where to be found. I woke up with just my dress on, slipped up, and everything else gone... I think that sparked flash backs, hurt, and things I never wanted to think about again.

with that being said it's been on my mind a lot lately and I dreamed about him last night. I woke up this morning terrified and in tears wishing it would all just go away. I put myself in that situation.... I feel better coming on here and sharing this with my friends... I know everyone is beyond kind and only wants what's best for me. sometimes i just need a shoulder. my fiance doesn't know about the dream.. I feel almost like a burden. like a mess up. I know everything will be okay and I control my own life at the end of the day... I just needed to get this out there.

I love you all and thank you for listening 💗

[Hidden]

I've been there & you have to know you didn't ask for this! It was pure evil what happened to you & one day they will have to answer...aren't you glad you won't be in those shoes then?? Hang in there & try to stay on all the positive you have done! Love & Hugs!!!

[lil_avocado in reply to Hidden]

thank you, I will. your positive words made me feel alot better.

[Hidden in reply to lil_avocado]

I'm here for you!!!! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[lil_avocado in reply to Hidden]

thank you (:

[fauxartist]

Child abuse stays with you forever....but you do have to do the work head on with a professional to learn coping skills and how to live life without having these ghosts and demons haunting your every moment in life. You know that you were quite possibly attacked at this party...and if you don't know who did it, this is definitely going to put all your stuff on the front burner.....you didn't do anything wrong....none of this was your fault..not as a kid....and for someone to take advantage of you while unconscious no matter what....that's rape....it's not your fault. Please, if you not getting help with your childhood abuse, I would strongly recommend it....it changed my world tremendously. Sure I suffer from depression and abandonment issues, CPTSD,etc....but the abuse issues have subsided a lot, to where my self worth is good, and my self blame has stopped.

You deserve to be happy and put those ghosts and demons down....feel good about yourself.....

[lil_avocado in reply to fauxartist]

I used to go to counseling but stopped bc my mother wouldn't take me, I was too young to drive myself and then when I moved to Florida in 2014 I was put off of my medicine. I took antidepressants and anxiety medication for a couple of years. I was hospitalized twice and had a very very bad panic attack that put me in a deep depression... things just got worse from there. now that all that passed my fiance is trying to get me on her insurance so I can go see a counselor. I get nervous just talking about it... idk how it's gonna go.

[zevietnameseguy98]

Hi there, friend. Please dont feel bad about yourself, you experienced one of the worst evil in life and you are still making it through! You are incredibly strong and wonderful. You are doing a great job at life. Ignore that man in your dream, he was the lowest form of human possible. You are not a burden but a blessing for anyone whos lucky enough to know you. Stay strong, my strong friend xoxo.

[lil_avocado in reply to zevietnameseguy98]

thank you so much. you don't know how much these words mean to me.

[zevietnameseguy98 in reply to lil_avocado]

You are so welcome :).

[Marshall64]

Sorry that all of that happened to you. I don't see you as "a mess up". I think you are genuine, down to earth and supportive. The older that I get the more I think that these are the most important traits. That is what will endear you to others.

[lil_avocado in reply to Marshall64]

thank you and I agree!!!

[Reedon]

Anytime allways here 😆😆😆

[lil_avocado in reply to Reedon]

thank you, I'm grateful 💗

[Hidden]

❤️

[Want2BHappy3]

Sorry sounds like you've been to Hell and back. You don't mention counseling? Try that if you've haven't already and some medication.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don't let that poor excuse of a human being take anymore away from you. It's great that you're able to move on with your life.

Did you ever go to the police? You might still be able to get him prosecuted? Because you were under 13?

[lil_avocado in reply to Want2BHappy3]

I mention counseling in one of the comments here... I tried going to the police after he was out of our lives... I was way to terrified when he was living with us bc he would threaten me and tell me he'd kill me and my family... I had to protect my little brother and sister. when I told my mother she didn't believe me. almost 11 years later and she won't even talk about it... the courts told her it was my word against him so he's freely walking and I'm left with the scars that he put me through. I believe heavily in karma...

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to lil_avocado]

That's too bad, they say that predators say those kinds of things to scare their victims to be quite. Hope you can move on to live a happy life, don't let him have ONE more day if your energy. We don't leave this Earth without paying for our sins. Take Care

[lil_avocado in reply to Want2BHappy3]

thanks so much!!!

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to lil_avocado]

BIG HUG to YOU 😊