Banging my head against a brick wall

[msneverending]

This is the first time I'm posting in this AADS forum, so my apologies if it's too long or not appropriate. It's just that I have no other outlet for what I'm feeling.

For the past several years, I have been feeling severely depressed and my work has slipped as a result. For a couple of those years, I was living in another country, couldn't speak the language, by myself, in a stressful work environment which didn't help matters. I ended up unsure of my capabilities, forever second-guessing myself, imagining and expecting the worst-case scenarios for the smallest mistake. Now I'm back in my home country back with my family, but it doesn't seem to have gotten better.

Up until recently, I felt like I was in quicksand, continually getting sucked down and not seeing any way out or finding a reason to get out. Until a couple of years ago, I was also struggling with infertility, till the doctors finally told me I would never conceive. While I've now made peace with that, everything else seems to be going wrong too. If I managed to step away from myself and look at me objectively, I knew something was extremely wrong with my health - I had slowed down, I had severe brain fog, I was fatigued almost 100% of the time, moody - but this objective observation never seemed to last long. However, a month or so ago, I decided I couldn't continue, and decided to follow up on my physical health first, and see whether anything was wrong. The results showed that my thyroid levels were low again, despite a dosage of 200mcg, and also my Vitamin D levels were 15ng/ml. Reading up on this led me to consider that this may have been the cause of my depression and system slow down. I'm now on 5000 Vit D daily and 225 mcg thyroxine. I know that it will take some time for these levels to normalize, and even longer probably to become stronger mentally.

Why I feel like I'm against a brick wall is that my slowdown is affecting my work and it has been noted by my bosses. The problem is that they've always considered me a dependable officer and now they feel they have to reprimand me, because I can't seem to keep up with my work. I've already explained the situation, and they seem to understand when I explain, but later forget and pull me up again when I haven't worked as quickly as I should have. I don't want to disappoint my family, particularly since my father used to work in the same office, and was my seniors' very well respected boss. I am fighting hard not to let either the physical conditions or the mental stress overwhelm me, and I'm trying so hard to get myself out of this quicksand, but then things like this happen, and I feel like I'm being shoved down again.

How can I combat this seemingly neverending cycle of resolution and depression? How can I get out of this deep hole I seem to have dug myself into that nothing I do is right, that I'm a failure and that there's no point.

Sorry for the long post.

[JLoInCali12]

I'm sorry your having a tough time - I know how that is. Work is stressful enough as it is, and I can imagine getting negative feedback from your boss is causing a great deal more stress.

Is there a support group you can become part of? I've found that to be very helpful to be around people who understand what I'm going through, don't judge and are supportive. I've done phone meetings and live meetings. There are a number of support groups out there - just google your location and "support group". NAMI has support groups in some areas. Some community health centers have support groups for mental health/depression, etc.

Are you exercising and or meditating? Studies show they can help to reduce anxiety and depression. I found that doing some aerobic exercise really helps, especially since it makes me breathe deeply when anxiety causes shallow breathing. Aerobic exercise can be as simple as walking.

psychologytoday.com/us/blog...

health.harvard.edu/blog/min...

YouTube has guided meditations that you can listen to for free - just search for them on the website. I've found some Louise Hay and The Anxiety Guy affirmations to be helpful.

Getting out in nature has also been shown to improve mental health.

psychologytoday.com/us/blog...

I hope some of these ideas can help you. I know how you feel - I've been there.

[msneverending in reply to JLoInCali12]

Hi and thank you so much for your response. Unfortunately, I'm from the South Asian region, in a country where depression and anxiety are still, well not taboo, but not yet fully accepted as something which requires strong support networks. There is a tendency to push people to just "keep a stiff upper lip" and even your closest loved ones don't want to accept that you are suffering this, maybe because there is some stigma attached to it.

I was exercising - a year ago, I almost finished the C25K - and I started it up again late last year. Unfortunately, because of the Vit D issue probably, I kept falling sick back to back and was too fatigued to go out. I am now trying to push myself back out there. This being a predominantly Buddhist country, there are also a lot of meditation opportunities which I should take a look at. It's just I've never seemed to be able to get my head in one place to do so, but you are right, it is something that I should start.

I think the main thing getting me down is, just when I think I get a handle on things and I think people are giving me some space to get myself together, they come down on me like this. I had had a similar argument with a close family member over the weekend, again on the continued theme of disappointment and failure to complete something, so it was like a double strike.

[JLoInCali12 in reply to msneverending]

It's hard when family or close friends don't understand - I know how hurtful and frustrating that can be.

Can you join an online support group based in the US, UK or Canada/other? Would that work? Some groups, like ACA, have online meetings.

Alternatively, many groups have books.

There are some professionally trained/educated therapists/counselors who do YouTube videos. I was looking at Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist's videos recently. The Anxiety Guy has videos and a podcast. And Louise Hay has some good affirmations, meditations, etc.