My girlfriend of three years has been recently diagnosed with GAD and depression. She has asked for space to “figure her shit out”, and I have given it to her. I have not seen her in three weeks now, and when I text her it takes forever until I get a response if at all.. I’m starting to freak out here!! I don’t know what to do anymore. I invite her to do things, but she never has time for me. On the other hand she always has time for her mom who constantly criticizes her and makes her feel like shit. She also has time for her son who only contacts her when he needs something. Why is it that the only person in her life that provides constant positive support, and truly loves and cares for her gets put on the shelf and ignored? I’m trying to understand this all, and I don’t know how we went from being the happiest couple in the world to this in a matter of two months? Can someone please explain what’s going on?
What is going on in my girlfriends head? - Anxiety and Depre...
What is going on in my girlfriends head?
So sometimes we try to help and what we really do is put pressure on the other person. I am not judging you, but it does happen. For example you said you invite her to things but if she feels uncomfortable then of course she is going to say no and if you in turn are upset by this. Even if you don't voice it that can be interpreted by another as they disappointed you. I know you are trying to help her but have you asked her what she needs from you? I don't mean space but have you asked her what she needs when she is having anxiety? So if she is anxious maybe she doesn't need constant encouragement that she will get through her issues. Perhaps she just needs someone to be there with her. No talking or judging just someone there to comfort her. Same thing with depression. I know when I have anxiety I want to be left alone so I can panic and then when I calm down I want to be comforted. If I am panicking and someone keeps trying to talk to me that makes it so much worse. So when you can ask her what she needs. Really listen as it's her anxiety and her depression and while some things may seem right giving encouragement or pushing to go out and do things, those same things can also be triggering and cause a person to shut down. The most important thing you can do is make sure you are simply there for her. Not to fix her. You need to create an environment where she feels safe to talk to you. One where she won't feel bad in venting or talking about her issues. A safe place where there is no judgement or feelings of letting someone down. Do your best to be an active listener and ask her what she needs from you. But don't force the issue either. It may take time for her to really start opening up and that is okay. Just make sure you are a support and like I said don't push. I know it can seem like she just needs to get out and do things but again, this can be very overwhelming for a person who feel depressed or anxious.
Wow! Amazing advice! That explains why when I’m not texting her all day for “no good reason” she will call me and pour her heart out to me.. I have read that I should always include her in my plans, but expect to be rejected.. I guess that’s the hardest part for me, because we have always been the get out and do things type of people even in the face of the pandemic. And to do all these things alone makes me feel guilty sometimes because I’m out having fun, and she’s at home feeling bad. And all I want to do is help but she won’t let me. I realize that it’s probably some insecurities on my part because I have always been the dumped and not the dumper in any relationship in my life.. So I am being extra cautious not to come off as needy, because I know that’s the last thing she needs right now . So I guess I have to find the fine line between being there and offering support, but not pushing too much ...whew! I have my work cut out for me 
So, a little update... I invited her to join her son and I snowboarding on Sunday, and she said yes! It was truly amazing! She seemed to be having a lot of fun, like nothing was ever a problem. It was a perfect sunny day, and everything seemed to be going great. I thanked her for making the time to spend with me, and for getting out, and that it was good to see her really enjoy herself again. She even let me sleep with her on Saturday, and Sunday night. However, there was a total lack of intimacy which is totally unlike her. I thought after three weeks apart there would be fireworks, and we would wake the neighbors up. Is this behavior common? The total lack of intimacy to the point of not even wanting to be touched or held. Did I do something wrong here?
Dang honestly sounds like she wants a break from you. Sorry I’m not being a smart ass either, if she makes effort for her son and mom but pushing you away... sounds like she really does need space to figure it out. But hey I have GAD and depression to so I may just be seeing the negative
Hi Helpmypartner, I see from your user info you’re 49 years old. I’m assuming your girlfriend is around the same age? If so, she could be experiencing perimenopause or menopause, which could be a contributing factor making her gad & depression worse?
It’s hard to say though, as the only one who knows what’s going on with your girlfriend is your girlfriend herself. I’ve also personally found that just because I experience gad & depression doesn’t mean I can adequately explain my experience to others.
She might be just as confused as you are. One thing I know for sure: freaking out about anything never helps. You might seek out a support group for friends & family members of those experiencing gad & depression through nami.org. Good luck.
You are now the third person who has suggested that it sounds like menopause... the others being friends that know us both.... Question is, how do I bring it up without offending her, or coming off as dismissive? If I knew that that is what I was dealing with, it would help me know what actions to take.
You know what actions to take because she told you: give her space. In the meantime, it may not hurt to research menopause, gad, & depression to get an idea of what she may be experiencing? As well as getting support for yourself, in whatever form that may take.
Hi Helpmypartner it's not you, it's not her, it's that darn anxiety that will get in
our way each and every time we want to make a date to do something.
We really want to but anxiety can take us to a place called "what if" That is what if
when I'm with him, I start getting horrendous symptoms. The embarrassment is too
much to even think about without experiencing the symptoms with thoughts alone.
With her mother or son, she doesn't have to put on a front that everything is okay.
They've seen her in curlers, a disarray etc but when it's someone you love and care
about as a boyfriend, you only want to be your best and that's not always possible when you have GAD/Depression.
I think Bobbi "lessthanone" had the best idea. Have a pizza night and movie at home,
rub her feet, putting a blanket over her will give her that protection her mind is looking for to feel at ease. If you really care which I think you do, slow baby steps are the way to go.
Good Luck... xx
This kind of fear within her own skin is terrifying, They often have sweaty palms, feeling like a general panic attack all the time except when stimuli is lessened. Cooking a meal together or doing things at home that are peaceful might buildup her courage, on her own with successes. Bet she Is very smart as well. It is not you, but any feelings like you disapprove she will feel she is not good enough and self sabotage even more, all on her own.
Glad she was diagnosed to help her realize this is condition that is understood and with work can gradually get easier depending on how she sees her future. Anxiety has been raised in a lot of folks because of the pandemic so it makes matters worse.
Does she have any pets?
If you could find someone who does Safe Sound Protocol or a somatic experiencing therapist will help the physical feelings that overwhelm her. If you are quarantined they should have these therapist on line as long as they are educated in the field.
EMDR might be too strenuous for her. Someone who is easy-going, soft and she has built a rapport is a good resource. Meds shut off the nervous system so that can make the situation worse, but are often used to help stabilize her anxiety, just long as they are not habit forming.
There are a lot of natural remedies to aide in her healing but this kind of anxiety is seriously overwhelming that has nothing to do with you. My guess you are close because you helped her feel more at ease, but these last few years have been more than many have been able to withstand and with this kind of anxiety it is even harder to tolerate.
There are many causes if this kind of anxiety but a caring, soft spoken therapist with the skills mentioned above will be a good match for her. Slow and steady and just enjoy your time together without expectations as she already has too many in her own head. Try to just enjoy the moments you have together. Best to you both.
Hey that's good advice there and you just helped me as well, thank you. I have some issues with anxiety and depression and I happen to be 50 and I'm starting to have my body changing in weird ways, sometimes I get very irritable, other times my moods change so fast and then I feel like crying constantly or I'm very nervous. Mid life crisis time is no fun. Thanks again.
Thank you, and yes she is very smart, and has two cats as well. I'm a little concerned that one of them is nearing the end, and I'm not sure what that could trigger. We have separate houses almost 1 hour apart, so it is extremely difficult to always be there in person, although I would prefer to be close to her at this time, she has expressed her need for distance, and I respect that.
I think it is more difficult for me sometimes, as I am the type of person who wants to be together and close, and she is more "independent". I never knew what she meant by "needing her independence sometimes" until recently, as we always shared our weekends, and traveled everywhere together the last three years.
It is hard for me to adjust to this distance as it brings up a little PTSD from my last relationship where my ex girlfriend showed the same signs, saying that she had depression, and the whole time it was a ruse to keep me at a distance while she was screwing her boss.
She must be a keeper if she loves cats!!
Sometimes I find just for her to ask her specifically what she needs to improve the relationship and you ask her what you need, Need to be specific but not heavy, if you catch my drift. Like give me a hug, or do not call me but once a day, or let me talk more and listen would help, or take a walk together once a week--Very specific things. Not big changes, baby steps. People need to have fun baby steps from what worked that you both loved. Seems you had a system that worked, what made it change so suddenly and then address the very specifics. So make it okay to share these without ramifications and mean it. It is these subtle things that often never get addressed but should have. People were fearful of addressing their "shit." as she stated. What does that mean to her?
In general, I would think folks are not normal if they have no reactions to this pandemic for one thing. People think if they are anxious there is something wrong with them, but is it normal not too response to a life threatening virus throughout the world not to augment anyone with ansiety. It truly bothers me when folks do not react to these kinds of threats. I think often times, they are not dealing appropriately.
Not sure what it causing her exclamation but at least she has what I see as normal response. It is how you invest this anxiety that can be destructive but setting boundaries for solace is not an abnormal way to cope. Not necessarily one that needs to cope with meds but that can help. Exercise of some passion that one loves is a great way to get out thee kinds oftenions. I would give anything to be able to ride a bike or swim if I could to use up these frustrations. Love to play tennis but that took a huge bone spur to stop that outlet. Find a great passion, like hiking or biking or I sort to great movies or reruns of funny shows, anything to relieve the pressure of anxiety.
Sometimes, just finding the ones that work the best are fun. People I know are boating now that the weather had improved. Wish I had a boat or could afford to take one out this weekend but need a boating license. Fishing many folks like in my area. Anything that is funs. Be creative... That is fun., making just a wish list can be a great afternoon. Guess you can see what makes my mood lift. Just thinking of boating makes my day as I watch many around their boats at a marina where I work. I often wish I was that boat owner,. Some of you on her probably know someone who night take you boating. If so send them my way. Ha.
You’re three years too late with the boat I lived with a friend when I first moved here 5 years ago, and he had a 21’ wake surf boat that we would take out all the time .. I miss it too something about being on the water that’s truly peaceful:)So, I don’t know if you saw my post above, but I was really wondering about the intimacy part of this whole situation... We went from fireworks to duds in a matter of weeks..,Even after not seeing her for weeks, when we saw each other last weekend there was nothing but cold there... We’ve been together for three years, and it was getting better all the time! Her therapist said that she took on everyone’s problems for too long, which I agree with, seeing how generous she is with her sons, and how she puts their needs before everything. But... big but... what does that have to do with me? I’ve never “needed” anything from her, and have only tried to support her, and help her feel good and positive about herself. I know she’s not used to this type of behavior as it seems her past marriage was abusive both physical and mental. Her mom never wanted her, and her kids only call when they need something... So, back to the question...why the shutdown? does intimacy really just click and it’s off when someone is suffering from anxiety and depression?
Health, anxiety and depression can affect the libido, It sounds likes cannot figure out why she is so unhappy, but I think that is a state many are enduring. All our energy fields have been affected by the pandemic in various ways. Hormones do mess with the libido and if others think is perimenapausal then this might affect her sex drive. What stimulates her? Not for you to answer on here but to ponder and address with her.
I think a lot of people are probably having trouble with this, sitting around the house and not into body moving blocks that energy. Swimming together if that is possible where you live. Doing fun things together instead of always the intimacy. Learn to relax and enjoy each other beyond sex.
Be creative but you are right it takes two to work these things out and it sounds like she is just not energized at the moment. These reasons are easy to understand just due to general physiology, but not sure why the doc diagnosed her with GAD but curious if she saw a gynecologist? They can prescribe testosterone if that is low and I doubt her doc, unless they are gynecologist would give that a try. It has to be monitored so she does not grow whiskers, Natural testosterone might help if she gets a good doc to give a natural topical cream as a possibility. You just do not take hormones without some advice from her doc.
People think this it a solution but has to be monitored by a specialist. I am not. a doctor but we had a nurse who spoke to our groups on occasion . This was a possible remedy she addressed when the sex drive was waning.
It does not sound like she is missing it as much as you but do not take it personally. All romances wax and wane for various reasons. Only you know you know how long you are willing to wait depending on your feelings for her. What would you want her to do if you became impotent?aaaa. I think it is admirable that you are trying to solve her personal problem but that it not working as she needs to space as she inferred. It is great that you are asking for suggestions and that is all they are. Sometimes it takes a village...
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Helping my girlfriend.
Need opinions on a cause of my anxiety - my girlfriend
Proposing to my girlfriend soon... very nervous and stressed
Just me and my girlfriend..
Concerned about my girlfriend's memory loss(please read)
Related Posts
Feeling like my head is going to explode
Trapped in my own head 
Girlfriend crying for \"no reason\"
How can I make the voice in my head either go away or shut up for awhile!? 
It's scary in my head Moderation team
