Not good enough...

[Heavyboulder81]

New here... I feel like there's so much to say that it's hard to sum it up it one post. I'm here because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. For one, I'm embarrassed that I suffer from depression. I hide it. A lot. I'm a 37 year old mother of 3, married for the 2nd time. My husband and I have great, well paying careers and we're pretty well off financially, however we tend to live above our means which stresses my future-planning mindset husband. (I am a more live-in-the-now person). I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life. I am very blessed. I have absolutely no reason to be depressed. There is an anxiety component to it too but depression takes the forefront. I would not consider myself suicidal, but there have been many times that I wish for my life to spontaneously end (like a car crash or sudden heart attack). I'm ashamed of these thoughts and no one really knows how dark it gets. I let my husband in on my darkest moments a few times... and I can't say it was met with warm fuzzies. Now, my husband is (and has been) my best friend for almost 16 years. He's the only man I've ever truly loved. And he's the only one who really knows ME. We've had a rough couple of years with some high tides that have tested our relationship. Currently, we both work full time (opposite shifts to avoid childcare) and with 3 kids, we don't get much time for each other. Needless to say, we don't get along as much as I wish we did and I blame it on stress.

Back to my depression. I reached a low last summer and I sought help. I saw a therapist (who was terrible) and my PCP started a trial of different meds, which I ultimately discovered cymbalta works well for me. I started working out again and I felt much better. ....but it's coming back. The darkness. The lows. The hate for myself and wanting to crawl in a hole by myself for a long time. I'm hesitant to seek another therapist. For one, it's so expensive. 2, I don't have the time to go. And 3, it's really hard to find a good one.

I broke down again today. And honestly I don't know why I'm so depressed. I really do have a good life. But I do wish things were different. For instance, I wish I could be a stay at home mom for my kids. But because I am such a "I want it now" kind of person, we had babies before planning for it very well (like my husband would've wanted) so now I'm stuck in the rut of a working mom, torn from feeling like I'm not giving my kids what they need or not getting as much done as I could, but feeling like I need to contribute financially. I am insanely jealous of other stay at home moms to the point that I get so angry if I hear one of them complain about it. Not to mention, my job is very emotionally draining. It takes a lot from me. It's rewarding too, but I give a lot of myself to others and there's not much of me leftover.

So during this breakdown today, my husband clearly got frustrated with me, as he usually does in these times, and said some very hurtful things. It only solidifies my thoughts and feelings of being a burden for having depression. One thing is for sure, I've never felt good enough for him. Like, nothing I ever do is enough. And when I'm in these lows and I try to come to him for emotional support, I always always feel worse. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't. And I really don't know what I hope to get from this site except maybe a little reassurance that I'm not alone.

[Hidden]

Hi, you sound depleted... a demanding job and 3 kids doesn’t leave much for nurturing yourself or your marriage. Can you scale down your life? Smaller house, cheaper cars etc? is there a reason you put this much pressure on yourself to live to a certain self imposed standard of living? A simpler life would be much less stressful. Does your husband like his job?

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to Hidden]

I am depleted. You nailed it. Yes, we do need to scale down. Which is something we are actually working towards... we are likely going to put our house on the market in the spring/summer and move into a smaller house with lower mortgage. Depending on what we're able to get from our current house, we'll be able to pay down debt, which will relieve a lot of stress for my husband. Which also brings me to your next question...no, he does not like his current career. He has a goal (something that I struggle to make for myself) to be out of what he's currently doing in about a year and a half, to free him up to get into something more satisfying. I don't think he'll truly be happy until he is running his own business again, something he did before we met. And I want to help him fulfill this goal! I want more than anything for him to be happy.

I know self care and nurturing is definitely what I need but it feels easier said than done. For one, I have no idea what I need. And I don't know when I would find the time. I'm already feeling like I'm burning the wick at both ends.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me! There is something therapeutic about being able to talk this out with strangers.

[foxglove_pnw]

Welcome to the site ! Thank you for sharing your story and how you feel !

I agree with lynnalice ! Maybe sit down and come up with a plan where you could stay at home and talk to your husband about it !

I don’t think that is gonna fix your depression and anxiety but it will help with your stress for sure !

I am glad you sought help ! I have been married for 15 years and I can tell you my husband doesn’t understand my mental illness ! He is a great father and husband but he really doesn’t understand what I go through!

You could look for a support group in your area ! I joined one a month ago and it has been so helpful !

Good luck !

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to foxglove_pnw]

Thank you for responding. I would love to find a support group in my area. It helps to know I'm not alone in this battle. And no, my husband does not understand my mental illness.

I would love to stay at home. I always pictured my life to be that way with my children but that's not reality, which I struggle to accept. My job has purpose (I'm a hospice nurse) and I do find much reward in it. But my heart is with my family and to be at home. During my breakdown yesterday, my husband threw it at me that I could just stop working once we sell our house and could possibly live off of one income. But he said it with a bad taste in his mouth and out of anger and frustration. It felt like 2 children fighting over something and one giving in and saying "here. Just take it, you brat." I don't want it to be that way. I want it to be a mutual decision and something we move forward with as a family. Maybe if I just worked less and not so many hours, being more available at home yet still contributing financially may help. I honestly just don't even know what I need. I feel like I can't just live life like I'm supposed to...

[Hidden]

Than you so much for writing all of this to us. 💖 Did that make you feel better? We are always, always here to listen to you when times get hard. I, myself, often feel like I’m never enough either. I constantly suffer with panic attacks & sometimes I think that life would be so much better if I wasn’t here, but that’s just our illness talking. Don’t listen to that voice. That’s simply your symptoms of your depression and/or anxiety, or whatever else you might be dealing with. We all understand what you’re going through & I urge you to continue writing here. It definitely can be an amazing outlet. I’m always here for you if you need me. Xoxoxo

[Heavyboulder81 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for responding. And I really really appreciate your support. I do feel better knowing that someone, ANYONE out there hears me and validates me. I do have that stupid voice telling me maybe all would be better if I just didn't exist. Most of the time I can shut that stupid voice off but I'm scared of myself sometimes. I know I've had times that I'm not thinking clearly. Hoping to use this site as an outlet to feel better.

[backtonormal]

First of all, you are not alone! Second, I think it's hard for anyone to understand what depression is like when they don't have depression. I also wonder if your husband responded with the amount of bad taste in his mouth as you interpreted. My husband is a planner and I am also that live in the moment type of person. I see something I like I buy it. Even worse, I see something that I think someone else would like I buy it and give it to them! My husband tries to save and spend appropriately, living within our means and I always seem to mess that up. I know this frustrates him. I also don't want to work but need to because I keep spending the money. So I needed to make up my mind what was going to be more important. I told my husband what I wanted but that I would need his help. We set up some spending limits and measures that would help hold me accountable. We paid down our debt, I work only part-time at a job that I absolutely love but that doesn't overwhelm me and run me down. I have time for me which has given me new energy to spend on my teenage son and I absolutely love loving my husband by making dinners that we sit down to (saving money instead of always on the go with take out or restaurant food), I surprise him by bringing him a cup of coffee into the bathroom in the mornings and it's there waiting for him when he steps out of the shower, little things like that enables me to "give" without it costing me anything but a little bit of my time. This has all allowed me to be a little more stress free and has done wonders to ease dark, depressive thoughts. I know we are all different and we need to find our own solutions but we all have the common ground of depression. I hope this helps and I'll be keeping you in prayer.

[Heavyboulder81]

Thank you for responding. And thank you for keeping me in your prayers! I appreciate that. You give me a little hope... the thing is, I just don't know what I need or what will make me feel better. I just know that what we're doing now isn't working for me. But I feel the pressure to keep going because my husband has goals and I want to help him achieve them. In order for that to happen, I need to keep doing what I'm doing so that we can get to a better place financially and pay down debt. I'm afraid that by the time I'm able to make some changes to make me feel better, it'll be too late. Our kids will all be grown, my husband and I will be total strangers and I'll be completely broken. My husband keeps reminding me that the situation we're in isn't permanent. I just feel like I need a more urgent fix than something a year and a half from now. Thank you for your kind words and positive thoughts. I really appreciate you taking your time to talk to me!