Not "good enough"

[2L84x]

I wonder how others deal with the feeling of being not "good enough". I'm sure I'm not the only one here who struggles with this. And at the same time, I am sure that there are lots of mentally healthy people who do feel like they are "good enough", and I think that they are, but if I were like them I wouldn't think I was... It's like I have this stupid idea that being like everyone else (whatever that means) is not enough for me. I have to be better, at least outwardly, because inside I am somehow so defective.

All this sounds so stupid, it is difficult to explain it. Not that I need to explain it to you who will be reding this, since you probably experience (or have experienced) similar feelings. But writing it down helps me get some order in my head.

So since I have not been able to just decide not to feel this way (does that ever work?!), I have decided on trying to change some of the ways I think and act. I have written a list of my 99 most prominent flaws - impressive, huh? Number 99 being that I am boastful... Which is more than I thought I would be able to come up with, since I lumped all my insecurities about my looks into just 2 points, which could of course be separated into lots of individual points. But the more I wrote, the more I could think of that ought to be added to the list.

The idea is not just to write this list, but to accept that this really is how I think about myself. Trying to push the negative thoughts away takes a lot of energy and seems to accomplish nothing in the long run. So, it's a bit like the misdirection that a magician uses: I'm allowing all these negative thoughts to be heard, even if the end goal is to get rid of them.

I will pick a few of these flaws and decide on a course of action to change them. Because some of them *can* be changed, like my weight, for example. If I have a detailed set of steps to go through to bring me closer to my goal, then I think it will be good for my mental health if I can feel that I am making at least some progress.

Because my biggest flaw, I just realized, is my static mindset. Putting that down as #100 on my list! If I'm being honest, I don't really believe that I can change anything about myself. Which is ridiculous, since I'm not the same person now as I was when i was born. And if I can feel better by changing some of the things that can be changed, then maybe I will gain the serenity to accept all the things I cannot change...

Maybe this can work. I have some other approaches I'm going to try as well, like trying to listen more closely to myself when I do feel that there is something about me that is positive rather than negative. That list is currently a lot shorter, only five items. But it's a start!

I will also try to spend more time meditating, exercising, and so on. I'm going to try.

The sun is shining, which makes everything seem a little easier. I hope you all have some sunshine in your lives too.

[Sunrisetabby]

Great job in writing things down and making your list. Now all you need to do is rephrase each of the 100 so-called flaws so that it is positive. To make it easy, just use chatgpt or another ai program. Jim Kwik is one of my favorite memory gurus, and he says to learn anything FAST you need to Forget what you think you can't learn or already know, be Active in your learning, get in a State conductive tonlearning, and then Teach it to someone else. Enjoy the sunshine! You are much close than you think to all the positive.

[Sunrisetabby in reply to Sunrisetabby]

In all honesty, AI responses and suggestions have been more helpful than pretty much all of my therapists. I blame myself for not finding a therapist that was a good match for me, but I have used over a dozen therapists, and the iterative power of AI, asking it to summarize, rephrase, rewrite constantly is just really helpful and powrful in ways that my $100/an hour therapists have not been.ChatGPT: "If you constantly worry that you're not "good enough," there are several steps you can take to address these feelings:

-Challenge negative thoughts

-Practice self-compassion

-Focus on your strengths

-Set realistic goals

-Seek support

-Practice self-care

-Challenge perfectionism

-Consider professional help if needed"

[2L84x in reply to Sunrisetabby]

Thank you for your answer! It is always so helpful to me to hear how other people think, I'm feel so stuck inside my own head. I like the FAST advice, I'll check up on Jim Kwik! The irony of it is that I work as a teacher, and I'm 100 % convinced that my students can learn new things, it's just that I haven't been able to convince myself that this applies to me too.

I really feel the same way you do about AI, ChatGPT has often been very helpful to me. But sometimes I feel like I'm too far away from what it is advising me to do. For example, I'm often unable to challenge the negative thoughts. But even realizing this helps me to move another step in the right direction, knowing that I *want* to be able to challenge the negative thoughts.

[Sunrisetabby in reply to 2L84x]

That is wonderful that you are teacher! I failed out of a teacher certification program last year largely due to my depression and anxiety and frustration with the system, but the kids were so wonderful.

Jim Kwik has a lot of good advice - I actually paid $300 for one of his Focus courses and bought his book, but he freely shares all his best info on his website and blog - no need to pay for anything. His first podcast episode is about FAST: jimkwik.com/podcasts/kwik-b...

I also recommend his episodes with Daniel Amen, a doctor whose free advice is wonderful and paid advice is horrible, including how to deal with ANTs that is Automatic Negative Thoughts. Did you know that there is an estimated 20 quadrillion ants on earth? Fascinating creatures and communities, but also possible with training to ignore and even possible, eventually forget about completely.

Regarding "challenge[ing] negative thoughts that is something that I deal with constantly, and the reality is that the word ChatGPT chose was truly terrible. At least for me, if I challenge my negative thoughts, I will lose, just about every single time.

But, it is possible to untangle - a much better word choice - my negative thoughts. Like with tough knots, you can unravel many layers of negative thoughts, but the knot is still as strong as ever. It takes patience and cunning and often some elbow grease and even biting and you peel back more layers a d more layers but the knot still persists. I think that is one lfthe biggest challenge with knots a a ANTs; you are making progress, but you often don't even realize it!

[2L84x in reply to Sunrisetabby]

Thanks so much Sunrisetabby! I like reading what you write, you really have a way with words. It made me laugh when I read about the 20 quadrillion ants - I will learn to ignore my ANTs the same way I (mostly) do with ants.

What you say about the many layers of negative thoughts also rings true to me. Sometimes I forget that I have been making progress, because it's so slow... Like watching a glacier move. But I have been getting better at seeing my negative thoughts as just that - thoughts - not as absolute truths. And perhaps meditation will help me get better at ignoring these intrusive thoughts.

I do hope you will have the opportunity to get back to teaching one day. I have been working for many years as an unqualified teacher (with lots of subject knowledge but not enough actual teacher training), and the kids are just the best. Even when they are engaging in very challenging behavior! But it seems to me that some of my colleagues are not that fond of children. Rather they seem to like bossing kids around, or worse: humiliating them. Anyway, I finally managed to finish the teaching course I have been enrolled in since forever, and I thought that would never happen! So I hope circumstances will be better for you in the future, I think we need more teachers with emotional intelligence who can see the best in their students.

[hypercat54]

Not good enough for who? Not good enough for what? Ask yourself those questions and go as deep as you can and you will get some answers.

[2L84x in reply to hypercat54]

You're truly insightful. My immediate answers are, Not good enough for other people, and Not good enough for love, friendship or even existence.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi 2L84x, I am so so sorry that you feel you aren't good enough. I worked for a long time in therapy on self-worth and where it comes from. It is so easy to see worth in others, or even in a rock. A rock exists perfectly as a rock. Anyway, I came to conclude that we all have worth, and we cannot add to or detract from it. I feel really bad I can't afford a home for my family. Does that lower my worth as a human being? NO. I can let it motivate me to earn more, but we have to be careful not to feel bad about it. I am balding. Does that lower my worth as a human being? NO. That is something to accept, unless I want to try drugs, then I can do a pros and cons decision.

If I were 500 pounds would that lower my worth as a human? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Maybe we can let weight be an indicator if we want something to change ability wise -like walking or improved function. One of the most f***** things about society is letting weight affect self-esteem. I am so sorry that you feel inadequate in any way. I think that if we look at our lives and how we feel it is easier to have self compassion for where we are and then we can be free to move on. I wish I had a degree already, but when I look back to the time in college when I was so depressed, suicidal, and anxious, I can see that my mental health needed tons of work. I get frustrated that so many good people beat themselves up, leave it to the people that are genuinely crappy.

Until recently I spent a lot of time chasing worth in work, or exercising, or progressing in school, then I would be depressed if I didn't feel I performed. What a load of s***. That is not what worth is. Now I feel liberated and energized to do things, it also makes it easier to fail and to learn.

I love David Burns work. In "Feeling Great" he gives a lot of thinking errors and how to combat them. There are also many insightful Feeling Good Podcast episodes that you may enjoy.

I wish you peace on your journey.☮️

[Hidden]

I struggle with it, because after 38 years if dealing with depression, being in my own since 18, and then losing my job finally got to me and I literally lost everything. I needed help from my mom for and had to live with her and my step-dad (I hadn't lived at home since 18) and they made things way worse. I worked so hard for a college degree too - and I have not been able to work for 13 years. My husband lost respect for me; then again I don't think he ever had respect for me. I know I am a really good and loving person but was not able to find people that appreciate it. I am tired all the time, my brain is foggy because of my depression and PTSD. So, yeah, I don't feel good about myself at all. I am 52 and life is flying by and it is scary.