My cat

[iriss]

My cat got out today. The same one that disappeared before. He’s been missing for almost 24 hours. It’s freezing cold here. There’s about a foot or so of snow and ice on the ground. Injust looked for him for 30 or more minutes and found nothing. He didn’t leave my property but I checked everywhere I could and didn’t find him and I’m freezing cold.

I’ve been having an absolutely horrible day. I had a headache all day, and I had a concert but I played very badly because of the headache. Before my concert I saw my dad and step dad walk in and I got confused and thought “where’s my mom? That’s kind of weird” until I realized that she’s never coming to another one of my concerts ever again. I have done this at every single one of my concerts so far. It sucks and I hate it. Then I was told that my cat is gone because my brother left the door open. I was already stressed because it’s exam season and I know I’m going to do bad but I’ve been trying to study a lot so I can do as best as I can. Now I have to look for my cat or else he will freeze to death. He might have already frozen to death. I won’t have a ton of time to study because I’m going to be looking outside for my cat.

Now I’m sitting here and thinking about everything and I’m realizing how much my life sucks. I can’t do anything about it either. I just have to give it time but I am suffering every single day of my life so I don’t feel any hope at all for things to remotely get better. It seems like everything just gets worse and worse and worse. I talk to my therapist and she says I need to just give it time but that’s all I’m doing and nothing is improving. I want something to improve soon because I have absolutely no hope for anything to improve. Nothing will improve though because it never does. I sometimes think I found a little nook of something good or happy but then it gets ruined and taken away. There’s nothing I can do to take these awful emotions away from me and I absolutely hate it. I feel weak and powerless and I can’t do a single thing to help or change or fix anything. I’m useless. My therapy is pointless because everything just needs time and give it time oh that needs time to heal Times all you need. This doesn’t help me or give me hope or make me think “oh wow okay that’s not bad that’s cool thanks” I just think about how much I’m still suffering and in pain even though I’ve been giving everything time. Nothing is getting better. Nothing is changing.

[Strongheartforever]

You can’t feel the gradual, incremental healing that is happening. Us old folks have been where you are. We have lived what you are living. All the simple wisdom sounds like bunk, nonsense, chatter, brushing you off, even lies. Then you grow older and it all becomes clear. All the wisdom, it makes sense!! Your place in the world, your purpose, joy, passion, it will all come together like a puzzle. But boy, you gotta go through hell first. Key is to get through youth and young adulthood without doing TOO many stupid things, cuz you will do some stupid things and we all do stupid things. You’re gonna be someone great. You’re gonna seriously kick ass in life. Trust me. You’re smart as a whip. Keep trudging through. It hurts. You wanna quit. You want the pain to stop. You wanna be happy again. This is life. Gotta wait, gotta suffer, gotta bleed, gotta crawl. It’s ugly what you’re going through, what we all have to go through, but there is a reward. And when you grow up, I know you’ll take my place, and you’ll offer whatever support you can to a girl like you were, young and miserable, motherless, without hope, clawing her way out of the cave of despair. The pain moves you forward. And you can’t even feel your progress. That’s a big lesson in life.

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

I don’t know how to get through it. My life is not enjoyable at all. Everything is clouded by awfulness. I don’t see the point.

[Strongheartforever in reply to iriss]

4 sentences. Those 4 statements you replied to me with. Every single adult human has thought them. And every single adult human that is breathing right now has overcome them. Bit by bit. Step by excruciating step. You’re not the first or the last. In fact, you’re the chosen one. Over millions of years, YOU have been given the gift of this life on earth, here and now, with all of us who are here, here and now. So, you’re here for me. And I’m here for you. And many of us grew up without a mother. And it felt like a black void and it was and now it’s not so bad but TIME has healed this wound. Sending you love and comfort tonight. 💕

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

What am I supposed to do until then? Suffer and hate everything in my life? Be unhappy and lonely and see no value in anything?

[Strongheartforever in reply to iriss]

It sucks but it’s part of being in between youth and adulthood. Every one of us goes through this misery. This suffering is hard to endure. It’s a complex ball of yuck. And when you only have a few family members left and they’re of little help, and you really need your mom, like more than ever, and instead you’re faced with the rest of your life without her, yep. Been there. The pain you’re enduring is deep. Sharing here is healing you, at least a little. Friends will come into your life and heal you. Keep a door and window open in your heart and mind for these folks to come in.

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

I don’t have anyone now though

[Strongheartforever in reply to iriss]

There are times when you walk alone. It’s those times that you learn the most. Hearts open and hurting. I promise this is preparing you for greatness.

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

That doesn’t help much. I’m still suffering. I thought life was more than suffering.

[Strongheartforever in reply to iriss]

You’re not absorbing or receiving what I’m sending you or maybe it just won’t make sense for years. By then I’ll be long gone. All I have are these little words on a screen. It’s up to you to have faith.

[hypercat54 in reply to Strongheartforever]

That's a lovely reply SHF x

[Strongheartforever in reply to hypercat54]

xx👯‍♀️

[Hidden]

I’m sorry you are having this kind of day, but know that one day to another can change a lot. One day you can think that nothing will ever get better and life is just a downward spiral of pain, and then the next day the sun is shining and you met a new person or the birds chirped and your favorite song came on and life feels hopeful again. One day at a time is the best way to get through those really awful times of life. Also, being around other people because human connection is vital. Keep reaching out... cats are pretty amazing animals that survive in awful conditions. Cats generally know there way around and will come home so don’t give up hope

[iriss in reply to Hidden]

I don’t have people to be around. None of my friends are genuine, most of my family isn’t genuine. I have my step dad and that’s about it but I can’t see him every day.

[Hidden in reply to iriss]

I see, ya that’s going to make it hard but thank goodness for online groups. Get involved in as much online support groups as you can. Does your step dad know how depressed you are right now? He maybe someone you can talk to

[iriss in reply to Hidden]

I don’t talk to him about it but he’s aware that I’m in therapy and that I’m not great. I don’t like talking to adults about it, or family members for that matter.