A Lot On My Plate, No Outlet

[easiertalkingonline]

Hi, and sorry in advance for the long post. I'm not that great with words lol.

Let me start out by saying that I'm new here. I found this place by googling anxiety support groups after the therapy search turned out not so great. There aren't a lot of therapists that work for me, so I decided to turn to the internet instead (which actually works out in my favor, because talking online is a hell of a lot easier for me than talking to a stranger in an office).

Anyway, just to provide a bit of extra information here that might help this all make more sense, I was homeschooled for most of my academic career, and despite my huge family providing a lot of cousins for me, I'm the only one my age in my household. Basically, I'm lonely lol.

I stayed in touch with some friends from elementary school, but we never talked as much as we did when I was in class with them, which makes sense, so I'm not putting anyone at fault for that. But suddenly, Snapchat streaks were ending (ew I hated typing that) and text messages/hanging out became less frequent, and I felt lonelier than before.

It wasn't great for a while, but I'm doing a lot better now. The main idea of this post is that, because of this, I often feel like there's no one for me to talk to about the things on my mind. Don't get me wrong, my family is great, but sometimes they're too much. I sound like such a bitch saying this, and I know that, but they hardly just let me talk and listen while I explain to them - they always want to jump in and fix it, even when some of these things I just plain and simply need to vent about. I tell them that, but helping is still their instinct, so it doesn't work that well. How dare they love me so much, I guess. But, anyway, that's where I turn to you guys, the people of this website that (I hope) are so amazing, to see if you can give me the advice I need from an unbiased perspective.

If you don't mind helping me out here, I'll leave a list of a few things that are heavy on my mind as of now. Even if you can only advise me on one topic, that would be more help than you even know.

1. I'm starting to convince myself that I'm not meant for love.

I wrote a song about this, that's how much it bothers me lol. I think this because, no lie, every single time I started to like a boy, he found a girl that wasn't me within the month. It crushed me every time, but nothing like the time I found the male version of me and fell into my hardest crush yet. That one was the hardest one yet. To be honest with you all, I'm still not over it, and my heart still drops a bit every time I see him with another girl. That was so long ago, and I feel sort of pathetic for still liking him, but I can't seem to help it.

So, because of the fact that I seem to be actual boy repellent, I question if maybe I'm only supposed to give people love until they feel like they deserve it and find someone else, and then move myself onto the next. Maybe I'm not supposed to receive the same sort of love. Any thoughts on this mess? How do I accept not being meant for a romantic relationship when my heart is such a hopeless romantic? And how do you suggest I get over this guy? I tell myself that if you love something let it go, and if it's meant to be it will be, and that I deserve better than this and all that cliche advice, but still, it doesn't seem to work.

2. Like I said, I'm lonely.

So, backstory. One of my best friends was my cousin, and we did EVERYTHING together. She was over at my house almost every weekend, until all of a sudden, it just stopped. She made up excuses as to why we couldn't hang out, then did those same things with other friends, which I caught her doing on more than one occasion (which is fine, I'm not saying she isn't allowed to hang out with other people, but she lied to me about it, so that wasn't cool exactly lol). I blamed myself for a long time, thinking that it was my fault because I made her spend too much time with me and she was tired of me, until I was told by someone that it wasn't possible for that because she was NEVER required to come over - she did so at her own devices. That made me feel a bit better, but still, the fact that she ditched me for other people and lied to me about it wasn't cool, and I was upset.

We're cool about it now, still hang out at family events and stuff, but with her other friends and her boyfriend now making up such a huge part of her life, she seems to pick and choose when I can also be a part of that, and I can't help but feel left out - especially since I'm a year older than her and so much more behind socially lol.

Anyway, I guess my question about this issue is how do you think I can make more friends? I can't join a club or anything since there are NONE close enough to me that I would be interested in. I'm thinking more along the lines of how do you make friends in public? Like, in the mall or something? My anxiety makes it hard to do, but I can't just be alone all the time, so I need to do something about this. Any suggestions?

3. I'm learning how to love myself.

That's one gift that being alone brought me - learning how to be my own best friend. My self-esteem was never high. I was always very shy and anxious, and I was bullied in elementary school (yeah, weren't we all, I know) for being fat, so that didn't help any. The thing is, even now that I'm older, I can't stop thinking about all of the things that were said to me about my size and the terrible way I felt about myself back then.

I'm better about it now. I already said that being alone is teaching me to be my own best friend, and it really is. I'm so much more comfortable with myself than I ever was before. I'm no longer ashamed to like the things I like, and do the things I like to do, and listen to the music I like to listen to, and I discovered so much about me that I absolutely love! However, I still refuse to go in public without makeup on, and I'm not too fond of my body shape yet. While I'm finally accepting of myself mentally, any advice on how to get there physically? You know, as in, learning to love myself as I am, even if I don't look like the girls on Instagram? I get that isn't the only way to be pretty, and I know that, but somehow I find it hard to accept MYSELF for not looking like that, even if I think other girls that look like me and otherwise are so pretty.

Sorry again that this post is so long. I just needed to let all of this out somewhere, to someone, and hope that I could finally receive the help and advice that I need. I know that most of this is just petty teenage shit anyway, but your nice comments would be appreciated. It would just feel nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings lol.

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far before exiting lol).

[purplelibra]

I don't think this is petty teenage shit at all because I'm not a teenager and I feel similar to this! So good luck to finding some of the answers to your questions because I've been searching myself! But know you're not the only one!

[easiertalkingonline in reply to purplelibra]

Hi! Thanks for the response! I honestly wasn't sure anyone would reply, so this means a lot lol. Good luck to you too! I hope you're doing well

[Jen456]

Hey there! I enjoyed reading your post; your self reflection is admirable. I know there’s a lot there to respond to, but I just want a bit more context prior to giving you my thoughts. Are you currently still homeschooled? When will you graduate? What are your plans for post high school?

[easiertalkingonline in reply to Jen456]

Hi! Thank you for replying. I appreciate it! To answer your questions, I graduated already and am in that weird space between finishing high school and whatever schooling/career is next, which is probably why this stuff is making me so anxious lol. I really want to do something with music, and that's what I intend to do - I'm just not sure exactly what yet, so I'm working on figuring that out.

[Jen456 in reply to easiertalkingonline]

I totally understand and because you aren’t in a physical school (college) you don’t have others around you that you can get to know. Honestly, college is a place where many people “find themselves”. It brings together people from so many different walks of life and interests. There you would start finding people who you connect to. I think right now you are questioning a lot because of the space you are in. It will pass, but don’t worry, it’s normal. Everyone ebbs and flows in this process of self discovery. You seem very intuitive and reflective, you will be just fine. Trust the process. Your process is yours. Message me anytime!

[easiertalkingonline in reply to Jen456]

This actually really helps a lot. Hopefully enrolling in college/music lessons will help me out. Thank you so much for the reply! It made me feel better to hear this is normal.