It's a lot of emotions

[Jennblank7734]

I feel such a heavy sadness today. One of dozens of feelings going on. A lot of what I'm going through are events that just on their own are life changing. I'm worried if I'm not super proactive to start recognizing and getting help with some of these feelings I'm having, it will be too much at once in the near future.

I had no idea that by trying to resolve one issue I'd be remembering things that are causing many more. I was going to say I don't know where some of these thoughts are coming from but going through someone you love dying slowly, it makes you think about a lot of things.

I am having thoughts about how alone I am in this world. What happened with my boys can't be changed. It can't be fixed. I will never get to be the role of mom. No hugs. No I love yous. No family holidays and vacations. Even worse is Brandon sounds exactly like his dad. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like just being an adult I should get respect. I'm in a position of I should be grateful he replies after what he and his brother were told.

I dont know what to do with the mess of emotions that thinking of JM brings out of hiding. These things happened 6 years or less ago. Every time I remember a situation, more and more memories come out that I'm thinking...oh, I forgot about that.

I'm sure it's a self defense mechanism. It's too much. Trying to write it down is even worse.

Gustavo was having some better days. It's been amazing to get the time with him. I'm grateful for the time together, I always will be. I feel more for him each day. It's almost an out of body experience watching my feelings grow and evolve while I'm trying to stop myself from being so vulnerable. If I miss him when he's gone for a day, what will forever feel like? I read a lot about someone you love dying. In cases like this with anticipatory grief, there a chance to make amends, say goodbye and be prepared better for their passing. I'm not prepared. I won't ever be prepared. It hurts more with each day that passes.

I'm frazzled still by the last 3 months where I live. I'm having dreams about my mom. My physical pain is severe. It's been over 3 months since I went outside. My insurance isn't fixed til the 1st. I just fired my psych I've been seeing the last 1.5 years. My disease is bad right now.

I'm so past capacity. I have no resiliency left. I feel fragile and weak. I feel small. It makes me realize how alone I am. It's hard. I tell people I'll figure it out or that I'll be ok. I don't know of I will be.

[012703060610]

We have some similarities here. However, my husband is having to watch me slowly waste away. He is a caretaker for me, my 3 kids (he is step dad) and then do an actual job to pay the bills. It certainly puts a lot of things into perspective. I have found the ability to not let things get to me because they seem so pointless. Formerly, I would obsess and obsess, but life is too short. I have young kiddos so have to co-parent with my Ex and he makes things very difficult and stressful....which just makes my illness worse. I don't know the history with your sons, but am sorry you haven't had the joy that motherhood can bring. It isn't always puppies and rainbows as I'm sure you know, but those moments when they finally give back to us are important. I feel your suffering as I know and see how this all impacts my husband. I got him into therapy and I think it helps, but he isn't consistent with going.

I truly don't know if my husband and kids will be ok when passing. I understand your fear of all of this. My husband will have no rights and my family is across the country. Leaving this Earth knowing my kids won't have my ongoing advice and support from my side has me the most worried.

You are going through something beyond comprehension for most people. Your feelings are 100% valid and you will need a lot of processing time.

In regards to processing prior history, I spent years suppressing issues that were very traumatic. It seemed each trauma brought out a new level of stress. I would always add more to my plate to numb the pain I had deep inside. It wasn't until I shifted to a PTSD counselor that my behaviors made sense to me and she could explain different coping techniques for trauma victims. May be worth looking into at the moment.

Sending healing vibes.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to 012703060610]

Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me.This intense emotions have been going on since...it's been so long. I guess this current downward spiral started with JM dying. He killed himself, i dont know why i put died. He told me daily he was going to do it and why it was my fault. The voice in my head starts to stutter and repeat words if I start thinking about it too much. I dont know.

I have really tried to not say things in ways that show how badly this is hurting me to Gustavo. I don't say things like we will do this or go here, about how much I will miss him, if we had met sooner. There's never been talk about the future. He found out soon after I met him.

He tells me how much he appreciates me spending this time with him. I cant help but think it's not fair that it's me, it should have been his family. The empathy that I've felt got to the point I cry every day. I've always had this.

I'm a little lost in thought. I want to stop writing and enter.

[Hidden in reply to 012703060610]

Hello my dear friend and Jen blank your messages have brought tears and you have told me privately some of your struggles and your story and I'm often lost for words, in how to help you cope with dying but I hope I've given some comfort and I'm saying this now to you Jennblank in that I can assure you the spirit lives on the soul is energy and never dies, I've I speak from personal experience and you will see your loved ones again, and your son Jen you say committed suicide, I have no direct experience of this other than a family member recently took her life she 18 left a baby I only know how her mother only keeps going for her dead daughters baby, and on knowing you numbers lady as made me take a step back at how trivial some of our moans and complaints arguments on who's right or wrong are on things that don't really matter that much what' matters is that we are alive myself anyyone my mum could be gone tomorror, and I admire your strength in that your still here I'm not I would be given all that you have to deal with, I'm sorry I cannot be of proper help, I have yet to reply to you Jen on the bereavement site sorry but I will I'm not on there regular, sending vertual hugs and love to you both sorry it's not in person 🤗🤗💛🌹🌈

[Jennblank7734]

Being able to share what's going on is like being able to put some weight down and take a break. I appreciate everyone here such an incredible amount. My father died right before I turned 5. It's the only real memories I have of him. He fell out of his chair and started grabbing his throat. He was gone before the medics showed up. I didn't believe he went to heaven even at that age. I've always tried to think about how I'm happy with how my life is and things happen for a reason.

With Gustavo it's different. No one should experience loss like he has. I feel like I have to make up for how life has treated him so unfairly. There's no time. All I can do is be there. It's not enough to me.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Jennblank7734]

Ill just add to this. I'm having such bad anxiety last few days. Panic attack after panic attack. I already get paranoid about heart attacks. My life is at a complete stop right now. I don't answer my phone. I don't go outside. I am having anxiety about playing games online. That's my main way to cope, my game. I'll save a lot of money not playing. Thats good. My chest hurts so bad. I'm having anxiety about posting here. I'm having anxiety about leaving my room. Sometimes my brain feels sick. Getting new doctors seems like an impossibility right now. I don't think I can do it. The last time I went in for an appointment, it was a GI. I had so much anxiety and fear? That I was shaking and crying. She talked to me about the suicide attempt that was in my file...why was that in a file my GI had? I'll remember to check on that. I'm there with a GI doctor talking to me about she thinks I need help. I don't want to go through those experiences again. I quit smoking for 4 months or so to pass a drug screen for my psych. It didn't do me any good. I can't make it to the fucking dr to take a drug test. I don't know how else to say it, I'm tired. I can't make myself do it. I started...I don't know how to explain. I don't have the ability to make myself get up and function. It's like I'm frozen.

[Jennblank7734]

It's like one more thing right now and I'm going not gaf anymore. I'll nail the windows and doors shut and light this place on fire.I just want to be left alone. I've warned them over and over.

I feel like I'm going to have a stroke. I'm tired of this shit life. I can't do this. Facing the reality of how many days I'm going to do this over and over before getting a break. A new doctor, week or 2 if I call and beg maybe. Yeah, that's something I want to do again. Call some stranger and beg for some asshole to see me as soon as possible. I'm sure he's in a hurry to treat me like shit. Yay.

4 to 6 weeks if I find someone who gives a shit enough to change my medication.

Or go to the hospital. I'm tired of getting to the point multiple times a year where this is a good decision. How many times am I supposed to go before they deem I'm not capable of living anymore. I'm to the point I might be one of those people. I don't know

I want nothing more than to delete these stupid sites and

I dont know. None of this even touches on my physical illness. You guys don't understand. I've been doing this since 12. I'm 45. I really don't have any reasons to keep going through these situations. I'm tired of doctors and hospitals and rehabilitation homes. I dont have my boys. Everyone I know right now is dying.

The worst part of everything is I'm not sure what to do with my dogs. They are really wonderful. It breaks my heart to think about rehoming them. I know the next time I admitted some place I'm not going to have enough self control to get out of.

I'm not supposed to be like this. I didn't always have disabling epression. I didn't always have these thoughts.

Some I've always had. And an urge to hurt people for their actions more than probably necessary. It's a feeling I get in my chest and I guess an urge? I feel it down my spine and I feel like my muscles need to shake it off. I dont know.

I used to be able to pull of being normal. The notion of if you cant be famous, be infamous should be my motto.

I'm overwhelmed by so much at once. I can't process this much. I don't have the capacity. It's not that I'm weak. It truly is a lot. That just makes me more pissed off. People act like it's easy to just be like. I dont know. I guess it depends on the people. The people here have actually been very nice. Except a couple.

My chest keeps hurting so much. My brain starts to feel hot and sick. I don't know how else to describe it. I keep telling the people that are supposed to help me these things, my brain feels sick. It's not normal anymore.

It sucks to be so aware of what's going on. Why can't I just snap and be crazy. It would be great to be aware. Blissfully ignorant. Too stupid to know the difference. Some people are so lucky.

It is getting to a point I can't be fully honest. It's not fair though. With the fair thing. I don't know why it's so important to me. Nothing is fair. Why does my brain have to obsess like this. I just want to be numb. Head to toe numb. Physically, emotionally, mentally. It kinda sounds like being dead. Peaceful. Relaxing. Finally a break from my thoughts and memories. I do need a break.