Depression. Anxiety. I've been dealing with it for years. I've never actually been diagnosed, but how can someone feel this way for YEARS, DAILY? I've wanted to find a therapist or psychiatrist or any kind of mental health expert, but since I was younger, my dad drilled into my head to not see one because it'll be on my record for life and to just keep it in. So I did. The first time I cut myself was when I was 13. But, feeling abandoned by your mom, disliked by your stepmom, put down on the daily by your dad, never being good enough, the black sheep in the family. I kept it all in besides those cuts all over my body. I stopped when I was around 18. It was okay after that. When I was 23, boyfriend problems was the cherry on top. Cheating, drugs, his baby mama drama, physical, and emotional abuse PLUS all those years over mental and emotional abuse. I slit my wrist. Passed out. I ended up at a Psych Eval place. I told them I was suicidal, so I was released. My dad told me try not to cut myself too deep next time. The boyfriend introduced me to crystal and I've been hooked on it since. 2 1/2 years later and I feel like i'm gonna break. Family, friends have used whatever I had left if it was just $10 or the last tank of gas or just backstabbed me. I pretty much have no family. All I have is my 6 year old son, the love of my life. He makes me happy but not completely. He deserves better than me and I truly, honestly, down to my gut, believe that AND that makes it so much worse for me.
I want to kill myself. I fucking do soooooooo bad. It's been building and building for years! But the ONLY reason why I haven't is because of my son. Having him question or blame himself, why he wasn't enough for me not to kill myself?? Or anything like that.
But lately, as hard as I've tried to get better, to get happier, to be more social, to be a better mom...something keeps pulling me even more down. I don't even feel sad anymore or angry or anything. I could barely even cry anymore. I feel numb. Just nuuuuummmmbbbbb. NUMB. And its scaring the hell out of me because I can feel myself getting closer and closer to ending it but what makes me even more scared is that little feeling of pure happiness in the bottom of my stomach knowing its gonna happen.
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AyyAshley92
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AyyAshley92, Life is a gift, you cannot give it back. You are here for a purpose. Your upbringing was not as it should have been. But it made you tough. Maybe you feel only weakness, but I see tough.
You say you live only for your son. I say you are a good person. So tough and good, few can claim that, one but not the other. You have both, that makes you special in my book.
You won't always feel like this for the rest of your life. Do you think the crystal is good for your mental health? You have to start somewhere. An example to your son, you wouldn't want him thinking that's the norm would you. Didn't think so.
The numbness is your mind's way of withdrawing you from feelings that otherwise haunt you daily. There's something about your post that makes me believe you're going to succeed.
You've got to start putting yourself and your son first. Needs be you'll have to be ruthless. If family and bfs are not doing you good then eliminate them now, they are of no use to you. No more ten dollar loans or tanks of gas.
That's all I can say, be ruthless in protecting yourself and your son from further mental mayhem. Imagine where you want to be a few years from now, hold that vision, judge every thing and every body on whether they're going to help you get there. The vision brings hope, a shaft of sunshine in a darkened room. Don't hold back on asking for help from people you can trust. That's all I can say. Good luck on your journey along the Yellow Brick Road.
AyyAshley92, You Are Not Worthless, You are so strong for being able to deal with all this and still get out of bed the next day. Hang in there mama you have support here <3
What your father said about being on your record is completely false. I was raised around a lot of ignorance and it's caused many problems in my life. If you live for your son, your son deserves you in his life. With a good therapist your life can completely change for the better. Dont turn your back on yourself and your son. Life sucks sometimes but with hard work and determination and good direction it can be beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you. There's hope.
Im here to chat if need be.
Hi AyyAshley, I've been through some of what you've dealt with. I'm also the black sheep in my family and was always put down, made fun of, yelled at or ignored. A lot of mental and emotional abuse. I don't have much to do with the family because they haven't changed and for me they're toxic. But I survived and now I'm working on getting better. It's not easy but if you want it bad enough you can do it.
You have everything to live for in your son. In order to live, you need to reach out for help. Find a therapist, counselor or go to support group meetings. You deserve to be happy and healthy and your son deserves it as well. You've already reached out by joining this group and that's a good start. It shows you want and are ready for help to turn your life around. There are so many wonderful people here who will listen and give you support, understanding and compassion because we get it and we're all in this together.
You and your son have your whole lives ahead of you. You just need to take that next step to change your life. Stay strong and fight for you and for your son.
I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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