Numb

[Efthimiades]

Hi. I'm not sure what I am/ have. I am very interested in death/ dying & I'm jealous when I go to funerals... wish it was me in that casket. Although I would never actually commit to suicide, that would cause too much pain to my kids. They are all I care about. Food all has the same taste to me. Nothingness. I feel no pleasure unless I'm high and even then its fake & short lived. I'm embarrassed to say all this. I DO NOT WANT MORE MEDS.... the side effects r not worth it. I love my kids. I'm a good mom. But unfortunately have had some traumas & will never love myself. I'm married ( 2nd time ) to a nice man yet I'm highly addicted to the bad ones. I give up.

[Perriex]

Hi there.You say you don't know what you have. It may be depression. It is so individual. It is great you want to live for your kids. Are there any other things you like, or enjoy? Even small things. For me, it is helping to write down things I enjoy, or something positive that happened that day. Finding gratitude can help.

Keep talking about your feelings. It will help.♡

[Efthimiades in reply to Perriex]

Thanks.... can't believe I wrote all that. First time I was being honest and truthful though. Thanks 4 caring.

[ciley in reply to Efthimiades]

congratulations on a breakthrough~i write a lt it does help

#also drawing

#doodling

#let you pen go xxxx

[Zhangliqun]

Do you have a diagnosis? What meds were you taking that have such terrible side effects?

[Efthimiades in reply to Zhangliqun]

Zoloft, Paxil, seroquel,Xanax, maybe 1 or 2 more, can't remember

[Zhangliqun in reply to Efthimiades]

I did Zoloft and Paxil and they made me feel like I drank 20 cups of coffee, which would make my anxiety worse so I had to can them. Wellbutrin seemed to have no effect on me, including no side effects. Too expensive, canned it too. Trazadone at night for anxiety is a winner -- on it for over 20 years, it's non-addictive, the same does has the same effect forever. Its downside is drowsiness for daytime but this as a plus at night. Might be one for you to look into.

But what was/is your diagnosis? And what do you find attractive/addictive about bad men?

[Efthimiades in reply to Zhangliqun]

Abused growing up so I'm attracted to men who don't treat me properly, I'm tired.

[Agora1 in reply to Efthimiades]

And so there is the key. Feeling unworthy of a good life.

I'm so sorry but I'm glad you are here on this site.

Things we learn about ourselves from others can be beneficial

in turning our lives around. You are not the first woman or man on

the forum who has gone through this trauma as it continues to ruin their

lives. Please give us a chance to help support you by sharing our own journeys.

Start with believing in yourself, loving yourself and who you are. Not the abused

person from the past but the person you can and will become in the future. xx

[Efthimiades in reply to Agora1]

I don't believe in myself or love myself. Yet I find myself attracted to you ( even though I don't know u, what u look like, male , female, black or pink, doesn't matter,) your kind words are so beautiful. And yes, I am unworthy, I was made to feel this way.its a curse that therapy can not undue.just like you can't " fix " an addict by just sending them to rehab.....their brain must b rewired as does mine, I will always feel unworthy....thank you for your kind words

[Agora1 in reply to Efthimiades]

I know you don't believe in yourself right now or love yourself right now, but I

am willing to take the chance in betting on you. You see I believe in people. I believe

that we have choices to better ourselves no matter where we came from in the past.

But it must start with loving yourself. I am here to guide you down an important path

that will change your life for the better. The past can't be undone, the future is unknown. All we have is today and change can start with today.

You are right in that an addict can't be cured by sending them to rehab...that is unless they want to be cured. Their brain must also be rewired or "brain washed" into believing that it is possible to let go of the addiction. (there is a meditation for that)

This is a safe site, so I want you to feel comfortable in coming here. Know that I will not pressure you in change but when you are ready (and that day will come) I'll be here holding out my hand to you. Stay safe my new friend xx

[Efthimiades in reply to Agora1]

Thanks, you're an angel

[Zhangliqun in reply to Efthimiades]

I have had that horrible feeling of food having no taste, of losing interest in everything, and knowing nothing but lacerating despair and anxiety, and sleepness nights where I would be just about to nod off and a red hot shot of adrenaline would wake me up. This would happen over and over without a wink of sleep and the sheets would be soaked with sweat. (Even today I get the occasional nostalgia tour.)

But what turned things around was the knowledge that good things are truly good, not just an illusion, because they are anchored in eternity. Which is to say, God. Only if there is a God who created humanity is each man or woman worth anything more than the value of the chemicals they are composed of. Once you grasp this, you have a handrail to get you out of the smoke-filled building of deteriorating mental health that is burning and collapsing around you.

I slowly learned to replace horrible thoughts with pleasant ones. In the early going it was like trying to bench press a supertanker off my chest. But I kept going. After a while I could get it off my chest. Soon pleasant thoughts were distracting me for longer and longer period. Naturally the fearful part of me (egged on, I strongly suspect, by demons) would butt in and remind me "hey, you're supposed to be worried, freaked out and on the verge of buying that gun and eating it, remember? That's the REAL you. Get back in here NOW!" And the bad times would start again but again I'd fight my way out.

(Even strange simple things like being aware of my facial expressions and body -- namely that when I am anxious, my shoulders and face both scrunch up, and I've found that if I force my face and shoulders to completely relax, it's hard to feel anxious. They'll scrunch up again of course, but I force them back down again. And again, and again, and after a while a new pattern starts to develop in my brain biochemicals...)

Examples of pleasant thoughts -- and these will obviously be different for everyone -- pictures of fall foliage, memories of leaf-peeping tours with my mother. Favorite foods. Sports that I like. Going to a hardware store and seeing all the constructive possibilities there, like fixing a broken doorknob at the apartment. Videos of baby rabbits. All of these things and infinitely more like them are from God, so their goodness is very real, not illusory. Goodness requires intent, it is not a lucky thing.

On that note, God intended YOU. You are not a mistake. You are his daughter and thus a good thing and therefore lovable.

I still have horrible days from time to time, but they are fewer and farther between. In the early days, it seemed that I was destined to go into a tailspin of nervous breakdown that would inevitably lead to suicide, and part of it was lack of experience. I now know that these bad days will pass and there will be good ones, which takes most of the fear of the bad days away.

Maybe you're asking why God allowed the abuse you went through. I don't have all the answers but one possibility for a way into a partial understanding is that in my own case, there have been many people I have been able to help only because I too am mentally ill. Some of these folks may well still be alive only because I was able to talk to them about my own experience. I know at least one guy who is bipolar who is now able to sleep just because I recommended Trazadone to him. He may never have gotten that recommendation if I hadn't gone through (and still occasionally) the hell on earth of GAD, dysthymia and double depression.

God may have planned for you a future vocation or avocation of helping others like you. But first, you have to decide that you're going to fight.

[Efthimiades in reply to Zhangliqun]

Thanks.I love you.

[ciley in reply to Zhangliqun]

enjoyed reading your piece , a natural communicator, going to llook up that drug as well~as v v edgy ltely and there are good reasons why i will never be stolidly well !!

[brooksfamily95]

I am alot like you. I love my kids but i always wish god would just take me out of this world. I have been depressed since i was a child. I am not currently on any meds been there done that and they make me feel weird. I am just having a really bad depression day i guess. I am married with 2 kids but sometimes it seems like the world would be a better place if i wasnt here since everyone always makes me feel like i am problem and cant do anything right.

[Efthimiades in reply to brooksfamily95]

Yes, that's how I feel too....thx I feel better that someone understands. Sorry your in pain. Fuck it socks. Especially when to everyone " we seem to have it all "... my mom still tells me to grow up ( I'm 47 ) cause she has no idea the demons i struggle with . Xo

[brooksfamily95 in reply to Efthimiades]

Yes i get told to grow up you are not living that life or being around those people anymore. But when you have chronic psoriasis and over weight no matter what u do the weight dont go no where makes the demons worse. I swear everyday is a battle to get thru.

[Efthimiades in reply to brooksfamily95]

You suffer with weight & psoriasis, I suffer from binge drinking and keeping my weight down to where it becomes obsessive.

[Efthimiades in reply to Efthimiades]

I'm in NY. You.?

[Efthimiades]

Sucks not socks

[Bluetj]

I am the opposite somewhat. I have no interest n dying & yet sometimes I'm jealous of those gone. They r not dealing with this side & then I wonder if it could b worse. When I look @ it like that I get content, not happy, with this side.

[Micafe]

I understand exactly what you're feeling...

😭😢