Half of the time, I feel like I can't feel anything, even when I know I should feel happy about something. Then the other half of the time, all I feel is, anger, sadness or just scared to death. I think its been almost a year or even over a year since I felt happy, I really can't remember the last time I was able to feel happy. Sure there are times when I can laugh at something or smile, but sometimes that's forced and I don't know what to do. I feel so stressed that I can't relax no matter what I do.
The day my chief took my uniform away, I feel like I'm just halfway buried in the ground. I know, its just a piece of clothing to some, but to me, it meant that I cannot do what I loved to do, serve the community alongside my brothers and sisters. In the fire service, the people you serve with are like your brothers and sisters, we're there for each other in both good and bad times.. I just didn't loose something I worked so hard for and loved doing, but I also lost my other family and going through grief probably isn't helping with the way I'm feeling.
My anxiety numbed my ability to feel joy too - things I used to enjoy, like spending time with friends, lost all sense of fun and felt more like yet another thing to get through.
It helps to refocus on being present - i was always thing about other things I should be doing, how stressed I was at work, how my life wasn’t going how I thought it should. When I refocused on being present and letting go/accepting there was nothing I could do about those things in that moment, I was able to start enjoying things again.
Numbness can be a symptom of many different psychological issues. It is often described as a symptom of depression. Of course depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand. I usually write "depression /anxiety" bc I can't separate them.
At any rate, I am very familiar with the feeling. I guess it is our brain trying not to overwhelm us with strong emotions. Of course then ALL emotions get shut down which is not helpful to us long term.
I second the idea to try to bring the focus back to the present moment. Anxiety is focused on the bad things that happened or that we are sure are GOING to happen. So focusing on right now can help. It is not easy but it can be done with some work. Techniques like breathing, meditation, etc. can help you move in that direction. 💚
I like this meditation podcast. There are lots of different ones to choose from and they are all short so it is something I can commit to.
It is hard to tell which is which. With PTSD and anxiety, its hard to tell where one stops and the other starts. I can't tell which one is hitting me at that moment whenever I'm having a problem. Breathing usually helps the best, but meditation is really hard for me to do. I can't get relaxed enough to stay focused on that. Thanks, I'll still try it.
One of my partners at the firehouse I was at, gave me this website to use for meditation, and it works great for him, and I tried it, and it was hard for me to do, but I'll still probably try that along with the podcast you sent me .
Why did the Chief take away your uniform. I worked as a police officer and EMT but resigned and moved to Florida. I understand the comradery that you speak of. I am Bipolar and the job just became to stressful. I got out before I burned out. I am sorry about what happened to you. I am here. Have you talked to a therapist about how you are feeling ? Numbness as you describe it is usually referred to as depersonalization. When our body/mind try to protect us from perceived threat even if not real. I have had a long conversation about this with my psychiatrist as I suffer from it as a result of PTSD. I had to learn to ground myself and stay in the present moment. I hope things get better soon !
To make a long story short, I was relieved of duty shortly after running two bad EMS calls in a row, just two weeks apart from each other. When I found out I was relieved of duty, I couldn't calm down for a week, because I was beyond devastated. I walked to the firehouse I was at, and they got me help, found out I have PTSD. In my area, all uniforms are owned by county, so if you leave whatever FD you're at, you have to turn the uniform back into fleet. After just finding out that I have PTSD and just having a hard time dealing with loss, I wasn't mentally strong enough to turn my uniform in. When I got home from the ED that night, I gave an update to my chief, and also asked him if there was a uniform deadline since I was having a hard time mentally, he said its a week, and he offered to stop by my residence to pick it up so he could turn it in for me. I took his offer, so the next morning, he came by and picked it up for me, and we had a brief convo, and what we said to each other just made it 100% harder.
I'm not currently in help. I was but I've been out of help for maybe 6-8 months now. I'm afraid to go back. I was given up on, and I just don't want to hear "I'm sorry, nothing more can be done." I've heard that twice and I just can't hear that again.
Thank you for having my 6 and I hope to feel better soon as well, its been almost a year and still going through absolute heck.
I am so sorry. I had a similar situation but only received a reprimand. I worked four shifts in a row. Two regular shifts, one road detail and one for a neighboring town dispatching . When my Chief found out he reprimanded me and I had to be in charge of a program for delinquent youth. Not exactly my dream job. In any event I was very manic and while my Chief did not know my diagnosis at that time he was aware I had mental health problems and was always understanding and helpful. I wish you would continue treatment and move on with your life. Things really can get better. I have been severely suicidal at times but managed to come back from the edge. When we get busy living our lives and finding things to live for things get much better. I wish for you better days ahead.❤️
I was right out of high school when I went into the fire department, (I was 18 almost 19 at the time, and I just turned 20 a few weeks ago). I was still a rookie (still am) and I never seen anything like that on those two bad calls I ran. I ran almost 100 calls in two months. Most I ever ran in one night was 6. After those two bad calls, I was hesitant to reach out for help, I ended up going to the local PD a few hours off duty. It was my guys that got me help. but unfortunately, I had a captain that verbally hurt me for two months straight and my leadership put their hands up in the air and said, "we can't do anything" even though they outranked that captain. Not only was I dealing with those two bad calls, but I was also dealing with someone that should've been my leadership and building me up, but instead, I was told stuff like "you're dangerous", "you shouldn't want to come back after what you seen." "You're not normal." What you're going through isn't normal, that isn't a normal response" and when I asked what a normal response was that captain told me "I don't know." I lost it and said, "How can you tell me what a normal response is when you can't even tell me what a normal response is." That captain couldn't answer that. I was pretty damn good at what I did, but no matter how good of a job I did or how well liked and respected I was by my guys at my FD, I still feel like I'm not good enough, and just not worth anyone's time. I've been trying to return back to duty for almost a year now, tried half of the departments in my county, and still now one wants me. The interviews go well, I show up early and already have a good number of certs, so they don't have to do much when it comes to training. And it sounds very promising until they talk to my FD and that FD I just interviewed with always says "no, sorry, good luck." Sometimes my mind just gets into just a dark place, I feel like checking out, but I can't. I'm still determined to continue serving my community, and I can't do that if I'm 6ft under. I also live in my first due area, and I see those guys a lot, and I look at their faces and I remember who's responding to that call.
After a traumatic event the officer’s involved in the call were put through a de-stress type class to work through things both physically and mentally. This was normal protocol which made complete sense. I say shame on your higher ups for not helping you. When I experienced a break down on the job, my Police Chief was the one who arranged for me to go to a really nice place to have time to recover, he did this for many other officers as well. Once I was up to it I was allowed back on the job. I cannot believe how you are being black balled and so poorly and unfairly treated. Have you sought legal advice?
It is beyond messed up, and this officer has done similar things to other people as well. I heard recently that she was even going after the xo of the fire chief of the whole county. I don't know what that was about, I don't want to know, it isn't my place to know, but the fact that this officer can go after anyone regardless of rank, and no one can do anything about it, that's beyond not right.
In our line of work, we rely very heavily on strong leadership to not only tell us what to do on whatever call we're on, but being a great leader goes beyond doing a great job tactically out in the field and making those good command decisions, it goes to being there for the members in your department when they need it, as well as putting their members first and their self last. Anyone can have that title of Lt., Capt. or any rank of chief, but what is going to separate them from the rest is, are they going to be there for their members when needed? Are they going to build them up instead of just knocking them down when they're going through absolute heck? I got more help and support from my guys then my leadership. Those guys I'd follow into any fire or run any EMS call with them, because I know they got my 6 and I got their 6. But with my leadership, that's a different story.
The only "good thing" (I still don't know if I'd call it good) to come out of that, is learning what bad leadership can do and what not to do as someone in a leadership position. I'm still a rookie and got a long way to go, but I've got to make the rank of Lt. before I can do what I want to do in the FD. I'm not sure if I would make a good officer but I'm still going for it.
I haven't sought out any legal advice. Wouldn't have the money to do so and I don't know if this case can still be perused since its almost or even a little bit over a year old.
The FD I was at, since it was volunteer, we can hold our own "court martial" that's another option. Although I would have to check out the regs on that.
It's hard to understand why bad things happen, especially to people with good intentions who don't do any bad things to anybody.
There are injustices and it does feel like they mess up important things in our lives besides hurting us a lot. There are some painful and hard things that are not easy to overcome and I believe that turning to God is good for us.
We do have God who is always near and knows what is happening and what we need. It's not easy to believe it sometimes, but we are not alone. God is near to us.
I've suffered from depression and PTSD and have experienced numbness too and have learned from therapists that that's a common symptom among people with mental health problems.
It's not always that easy sometimes, but therapy/counseling is very important for us and we should continue to seek help if we still haven't found someone adequate or ideal. I am very sorry that you haven't had people who have helped you!
I would like to tell you about an organization with licensed professional counselors which you can call at no cost and someone will listen to you and pray for you and, if you want, also give you referrals for counselors in your area. Their phone number is (855) 382-5433.
Calling them will be good for you, in my opinion. Another thing you could do is talk to a pastor in your area and ask for prayer.
Things are very hard for you and I'm sorry that that's the case!
Life can hurt a lot. Sometimes our problems don't have any apparent solutions. I know that there are people who are suffering more than we are, but that doesn't make our problems any easier or less painful. We really need help from God!
I really hope that things get better for you soon and that you also feel a lot better soon. May God bless you so much!
I try going to church, I can't sit through a service, I always have to get up and walk out of the room. I get too anxious. I do eventually come back to the service. I have a bit of an easier time when I go to church group.
I'm sure going though grief as well as being verbally hurt for two months did a lot to me as well. Getting angry at myself when I can't do the easiest thing in the world, walk down grocery store aisle with people in it, that doesn't help either. I look at it as, I've done what most people can't do (be in the back of that EMS unit running calls and seeing stuff), and did a great job at it, but the easiest thing in the world, just walking down a grocery store aisle, I can't do.
I am sorry things are so difficult! I believe every word you say and I also believe that your struggles and challenges are understandable.
Getting angry at ourselves may come automatically and it may even make sense to us when we don't like ourselves or having failures. But I believe it's important that we keep in mind that there are very good reasons for our limitations and struggles.
You are not incompetent. You are not inferior to the rest of humans in any way. You are a creation of God who matters a lot to Him.
You are an important and valuable human being who suffers a lot and experiences health problems every day and who also has to invest a good deal of time on finding healing.
If the local church you have attended does not have services online you could look for one that does, even if it's a church in another state. Watching services online has been very helpful for me and there are some groups from church that have their meetings through Zoom.
I don't mean to be insensitive at all or disrespectful in any way. There are times when things are not as easy for us to do as some people may tell us they are. You know better what you are able to do presently.
But no matter what, and even if healing takes a long time, I would like to encourage you to keep trying. Keep fighting! Keep looking for help! Keep working on getting better! You already have done a very good job by reaching out!
There is a ministry that helped me a lot called Celebrate Recovery.
You are a strong and intelligent young woman! I wish you many blessings from the God who made you and loves you a lot.
There is an online option, but I can't stand being at home, so I need to go out. I still try to stay in that fight. At least my church does have speakers so you can hear the service anywhere in that building.
I've got a CR at my church as well; I haven't looked into it though.
Don't worry about it, I don't see you as being insensitive or disrespectful in any way, you're good.
CR has helped a lot of people and I believe it's worth trying it.
But not everything helps everybody, so it is good to talk to people (like you are doing here) and that way we have chances of finding out about other resources we can use.
Do you know if there is a NAMI office in your area? They're helpful.
Some people cause harm to themselves by hardly getting out of their house.
I am very glad you care about getting out of your home and I hope that you are able to take walks outside regularly because that is good for us.
I read a story today about a Christian young woman who became quadriplegic at 17. She didn't deserve that, but her story makes me see again that there are other people who suffer or have suffered too.
For me, I get an anxiety attack if I stay at home, and I just feel like I got to get out. I might give CR a go. I just have a harder time talking to people about the trauma because most don't understand the things I seen in the back of that ambulance. I get comments like "oh, you're military" or just hurtful comments from family members like "get over it" and everything else in the book. On one of my many trips to the crisis center, I had this person that was supposed to be helping me, I had to talk about my bad EMS calls, and she got this look on her face, I stopped talking, and the look she had looked like she needed a help session after she was done with me.
Stuff like that, makes me hesitant to talk.
I walk every day, for a few hours, in almost any weather.
One of my partners at the firehouse told me "They're not going to understand what you're going through because they haven't seen the things you have seen or done those things that you have done on those calls." He's right about that.
I can understand that. I've seen a lot of stuff that most people don't ever get to see. I've had times where we're waiting for our food, and we got a call and had to go before we even got to eat. I've had calls right after we got one eating. Right when we lay down to go to bed, they're calling us again. That's my normal, and most people don't experience that.
Yesterday, while I was walking out of a store, I seen something happening, I ended up calling 911, and as I was on scene helping out a little bit. There was this guy that was standing next to me, and he said, "I never seen stuff like this before." I told him "That's a common thing in this area." He was surprised. That was a reminder that I've seen stuff that most people haven't.
I might give that number a try.
God is that light at the end of that darkest tunnel. There's a song that they sing at church called Reckless Love, and that's a great song that relates to what you said.
I've attended many Celebrate Recovery meetings and they have a time when people are welcome to share within a smaller group and everyone can choose to talk or remain silent.
I heard some share about things I had not heard about and I couldn't relate with them.
But I'd share because I'd feel like I wanted to talk about my past traumas and my pain.
No one there is allowed to give advice to anybody. They have a time for attendees to only talk about themselves and listen to others.
I've known a couple of Christian young women who were victims of sexual misconduct from a relative and not everybody at church will understand things like that.
Some Christians have had very dysfunctional families through no faults of their own.
But there are many Christians and non-Christians who have truly had wonderful families and wonderful and healthy relationships with them.
It can be hard to share or talk with people who have never experienced things we have experienced.
Sometimes you discover and learn that not everybody will understand you. I've lived that.
You think your circumstances are unique and impossible to understand by others.
Licensed professionals are already people who have training and education to provide help to people who need it.
The key is to find out what is the specialty (or specialties) of a specific therapist.
I read the story of a man who had big problems with PTDS from having suffered a lot of torture and seen family members get killed in front of him in a country with a dictatorship.
People from his country who suffered similar things I'm sure were able to understand him,
But he needed a lot of therapy and got it in this country. Professionals with the right skills and training were able to help him.
And that's what we need: professional help from the right people.
And when a therapist is not helpful, it's important to find someone else. Until we have someone who does not make us waste our time.
When I went to church today, I asked about CR and I got a meeting set up for this week so they can tell me more information and I'm going to take it from there.
Yes, it is. It can be out of fear of something good happening feeling suspicious or not deserved. It can be out of emotional exhausteon. It can be a sub-counscious defence mechanism of the mind because everything already feels like too much. It can be out of supressing emotions (such as anger, fear, anxiety, basic human emotions and needs) and having the mind already supressing everything because If it's not numb, it would go destructive aka socially unaceptable (a truly destructive mind wouldn't have such sophisticated methoods of supression and advanced control). It's like it's a lightswitch. The lights of negative emotions are too bright so you turn it off and now there isn't any light. You turn off all the lights, you can't expect half of the lamp to light. Feelings are complex. They're a spectre. Like light. You can't turn off the blue out of your lamp. Even If you could, the light would look weird. Also who said blue is bad. It's a rainbow. And this rainbow makes the basic wight light of emotions. It's painful, ive been there, i am there, and im sorry you're there too.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Asking for guidance on Severe Anxiety with PTSD and panic disorder. 
Suffering from anxiety and PTSD
Dealing with anxiety and PTSD in a relationship
Feeling numb and lacking emotional contact in my marriage
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, and me
