Tips on how to prevent imaginary arguments with real abusers from the past, please!

[beatitude]

Has anyone got any good tips for stopping the arguing in your head when you're trying to defend yourself against bullies? Two bullies picked away at me so much that they made me have a nervous breakdown, interfered with my thought-processes so that I couldn't function, gave me PTSD which lasted non-stop for over six months, isolated me from everyone else, and forced me to contemplate suicide as the only escape from PTSD. This was seven years ago and of course the bullies are well out of my life and their poisonous lies along with them. But I am sad to say that even after all this time, I still go back in my mind to defending myself against their attacks, and my arguments are so strong and rational that I am proud of myself for having thought of them. It's like my arguments are too good to let go. I write them down, to get them out, but they still come back. As the bullies are no longer here to receive these arguments, they seem to stay locked into my brain. Sometimes people are chatting away to me and I find I wasn't listening, because I was back there in that horrible time in my mind. I have to apologise that I was distracted when these flashbacks spring up. It angers me that their attack is still affecting me. I tell myself I've argued it all out, so switch off and get back to the present. But it would be so much better if I knew how to prevent the arguments from even STARTING! Looking around, or just staring at something while I clear my mind, is helpful, but it still takes my mind off what someone is actually saying to me now, while I'm having to re-focus. It's so annoying. It's like they're still controlling me. I think it's because they frightened me so much and it's going to take forever to rebuild my life and behave as if the bastards never existed.

[kenster1]

hey have you ever tried mediation with these people or contacting them in some way.maybe if you could it could help with the thoughts that you have.if that's not possible just talking to someone would help like a therapist.

[AZ1970]

Have you tried EMDR? It may lessen the intensity of the feelings and memories.

[art62grammie]

I am so sorry that this event has caused so much grief for you. Yes, PTSD. I have too. I am 56 and became Anorexic at 14. I can relate to you very well. I have recently recovered from this life-long mental illness. Forty years of this illness. Two years ago all those repressed memories of my abuse starting coming to me. I first had to gain the weight. During treatment, my mind begins to heal. I have been in treatment for six years now. I continue to go every 2 months. I take a small dose of Zoloft each day. It works great for me and my PTSD. My Anorexia begins at 14 because I needed to control my world. My recent memories of why I was ill include, rape as a small child, physical abuse, living in a very violent home and etc. My loving and precious mother who is now 82 and alive suffered by the hands of my father for forty years while married. I had 3 siblings we all suffered by him. He passed in 2005. He was evil and a horrible person. He was not on drugs nor alcohol. He came from a violent family and he became like them. Remember all those years I had repressed until 2 yrs. ago. I was raped from ages 5-11. My 3 siblings were too. Yes, my brother as well. I was choked many times and watched my siblings suffer violently by him. I watched mother be tortured by him for all those years. He held a loaded pistol to her head daily for forty years. I have seen butcher knives to her throat. I have seen it all. Mom deserved so much better. She is the best mom ever. Last year my mother told me that my brother, who died in 2000 at 44 years of age. All these years I thought he died of natural causes. One year ago she told me dad killed him. I can't even begin to wrap my head around all this shit. I suffer from the PTSD. That is why I continue Zoloft daily and still in treatment. My father destroyed our lives. I am like broken glass. I have recovered from Anorexia recently. Recovery is a daily process. I have begun to put that broken glass back together piece by piece. I will say bullying for you is over. The PTSD is hard to handle. I know exactly how you feel. Look at it this way. Those people are out of your life but the memories are there. I went to my fathers grave recently and told him That I forgive him for destroying me. It took so much weight from my shoulders that day. Forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you. It is for you. What dad did was totally wrong. I can not change the past. I will not let him destroy me anymore. Those people who caused you harm-let them go. They are shit and why should they keep destroying you? Let them go and enjoy life. You stand strong and talk about your pain and suffering. It is great therapy. Suicide is out of the question. Think of those loved ones you would leave behind. They are the ones who would suffer very much if you took your life. Suicide is not going to happen for you. Those who bullied you cannot destroy you anymore. My doctor told me be cautious. My repressed memories will make me think of suicide. I fight daily never to let those memories take my life. I am strong and courageous. I will not allow any memory to take my life because of my dead father. He can not hurt me anymore. I am enjoying life at 56 for the very first time. I am free.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry to hear you've been so badly affected by bullying. How can some people be so awful. Their lack of humanity is so shocking. In terms of intervening with intrusive thoughts I know there are therapies so I would speak to the doc if I were you and ask for that. You can Google it in the meantime, I believe someone else replied with the name of one such therapy formula!

I read about treating your thoughts very gently. Berating yourself for being distracted by these preoccupations or internally chasing the thoughts away APPARENTLY makes the thoughts more persistent and strong. Taking deep breaths and observing yourself is one recommended way of changing it. For eg you're watching a movie and realise you've missed 25 mins sunken in your own internal battle with these bullies. Just pause and say to yourself "hmm I'm thinking about that thing.. How do I feel? My muscles are all tensed in my stomach.. I'm breathing in a shallow way.. My hands are clenched.. I'm going to loosen my hands breathe deeply.. Let my body relax.. Those thoughts aren't needed now so they can just flow away. Thank you for trying to protect me brain but you can relax now.. I'm safe.. I'm secure.. I'm safe.. I'm happy.. I'm safe.. I'm contented.. I'm a survivor.. I'm strong.. "

This may seem hippie dippie? I don't know if its an official way of doing it but it's what I've done. A combination of things I've read and things that have worked for me.

Doing it once or twice won't stick. Every time though and eventually my brain hit the message very gently.

Sending you love and light xxx

[beatitude in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, this forum's restoring my faith in human nature! I had counselling for this from Feb 2013 on and off until March 2014, with a lovely lady. She said to keep telling myself I was in a safe place now. Actually, she was wrong because I kept letting one of the two bullies back into my life and as soon as I told him I'd had my last counselling session, he laid into me worse than ever and made me cry, knowing I couldn't tell the counsellor about it. It really hit me then, how evil he was, and I got him out of my life. You say, thank you for trying to protect me, brain, which sums up perfectly that although we're no longer under attack, the brain is still on the defensive, and these arguments of mine are like loading up with ammunition - but I don't need ammunition any more. I'm going to keep reminding myself of that - thanks! Maybe other people would find this helpful, but if at least one person in every social group of which we are a member, knows we've had a trauma that still affects us, (we don't even need to tell them what it was,) we don't need to apologise because it's not our fault, but if we say, "I was back THERE for a moment. I'm here now," they'll understand. Great advice, HappyBeee, I'll try doing what you do every single flipping time, and watch what my body's doing. It cheers me that good people like you folks can come out on top, like you deserve.

[beatitude]

Hi, art62! Thanks for such a long reply. I hope I haven't made you sad, bringing up so many of your awful memories. I feel I can talk to you. Thanks. It's weird how there are two types of everything:- there's physical abuse and psychological abuse; I've suffered both but I find physical abuse easier to put behind me. It doesn't keep hurting once it's finished and the shock wears off, whereas mental abuse gets right inside and is harder to shake off. Knocks to your confidence take longer to heal than knocks to your body, sort of. Then there are traumas with supressed memories, where your brain shuts them out because it can't handle them, and also traumas that you just can't stop remembering and keep re-living them.

Why I posted this now, was because last week I naively let two men into my home to do some repairs, only they were crooks, made everything worse, wouldn't let me into the room to find out what they'd done and stood over me until I handed over a load of cash. It traumatised me and I got adrenalin rushes burning me up, trembling, breathlessness, panic attacks, couldn't sleep, didn't eat for days, and felt humiliated and my space had been soiled and violated … and I recognised all these feelings from seven years ago, so it's brought it all back to me worse than usual. I'd spent all this time telling myself people aren't evil and learning to trust people again, and had a massive setback. When one bad thing happens, I always go back to the previous bad thing, and the one before, and ALL the horrid things I'd rather forget come crowding in together. Then you wonder what's the point of trying to recover, because the next bad thing is going to happen! Sometimes I think that if you don't mull over past traumas, you'll never learn how to avoid the next one, and yet I never seem to learn, as it's always the unexpected and you're not ready for it.

I had long-term depression, at least all through the 1990's, thought I'd be like it forever, but then it suddenly stopped. I became a different person. But it leaves us fragile, fearing something or other can so easily push us back there; when it does, it's so hard to get out of it again, and seems to become the default mode of living.

What made me suicidal seven years ago was the effect on my nervous system, of being terrorised. Dizzy spells, ground spinning round, difficulty standing up, dilated pupils so I was dazzled all the time, thumping head that felt it would explode, so much trembling that I had difficulty standing up and would lose control of my arms and legs, and I couldn't hold things properly, so couldn't try doing anything to keep myself occupied; one day I went blind for an hour; I lost consciousness and saw part of my life go by and very nearly died but came to again; another time I couldn't speak for four days; six months of non-stop hell, every day thinking, just one more day of THIS and I would have to kill myself even though I didn't want to. The physical effects were as frightening as the emotional ones. I didn't know what had happened to me; it took ages to work out it was all PTSD. I had to read an awful lot on how the brain works, to find out. I admire those who can forgive, but I can't. Anger and hatred often eat me up, to this day.

What you say is right; and you ARE strong. We wouldn't still be here if we weren't. Survival instinct is massive. Survivors are stronger people than abusers will ever be. I'd feel a lot safer if the abusers were dead; maybe that gives closure. I had a violent boyfriend from 1975 - 77; he died in a car crash in 1986, his mother told me - and suddenly all was forgiven - I couldn't bear a grudge that extended beyond the grave. Amazing; I only felt sorry for him and all the insecurities that must have beset his short life to make him turn out that way. You are free. I can identify with that. Must talk again but this is getting so long! I love you already. xxx

[pianoplayer90]

I know what you're going through. I do it to. I argue with toxic people in my life in my head, trying to defend myself and decisions I make. These people leave a psychic imprint and it's difficult to escape their perceptions of you, and how they make you feel. In my instance, my mother was a narcissistic abuser. I sometimes play out arguments to prepare myself to defend against her, should the time ever come, so I can be ready. It's a horrible thing, because as is often the case with abuse, other people in my family don't seen it, so I cannot get support from them to protect me against her.

[beatitude in reply to pianoplayer90]

Hi! thanks for the sympathy, and you have mine, too. It must be hard for you as you are still in touch with your abuser. What these toxic people do is target specific people. A few weeks ago a friend and I were walking through town and one of the two abusers came along. I would love to deny him the satisfaction of knowing I still hated him, but couldn't help myself and said, 'It suddenly stinks of arsehole around here, so I'm walking on to get some fresh air.' My friend stopped, though, because the abuser wanted to start chatting so that I would feel left out. I turned round and saw the abuser all smiling and acting like a normal person, and it made me feel sick. It's just one of their tactics, not to be obnoxious to everyone, so not everyone can see them for what they really are. Although I had told my friend about him, the abuser had always made sure I was alone with no witnesses. I know my friend believed me, but what they do is deliberately be 'nice' to other people who aren't their victims, just to make it look as if we've been bitching and try to make our friends stop believing us. I can only imagine how awful this must be for you in a family situation. Perhaps it would help if you made sure you were never on your own with this cruel person, since you cannot sever all ties with her.

[11112020]

This is so much easier said than done but I don't know if it's at all possible to just get angry enough to not let them take another second of your life and time? Decide that you won't let them exist in your mind anymore?

Honestly you're a far superior person to them, you seem intelligent and thoughtful, people who bully are pathetic and unevolved, so maybe you could take some comfort in the fact that you're a better person than them?

Could maybe working with an anti-bullying organisation as a volunteer etc. also perhaps help you by helping others that have been in their shoes?

Wildcard idea: people say the best revenge is living well. If you became enormously successful and they became aware of it that could be a sort of "win" for you? This might not be mature advice and a professional would probably frown on it, but worth a shot!

But yes, to reiterate - you are the winner here as they have shown such pathetic behaviour. You are so much better than them.