I hope illness doesn’t have us yet

[Starrlight]

I’m wondering what we are like without our symptoms bipolar depression /ocd/ptsd/ anxiety personality disorders, etc what is us and what is it? Where’s that line... maybe there is no line. What do you think? I think who am I? Has it got me,?! ... you know!? Am I It? I’ve grown into it? Am I going to fight for myself so it won’t take my entire soul away? Or fight the self. Or embrace the sides dark and light?

Since I wrote last about wanting to end it eventually, I’ve felt euphoric a bunch of times; so much so that I could almost fly away especially when around my kids who are my heaven. But the good times are short lived as I have also plunged into sick disgusting depressed places where things seem so sinister suddenly that I can’t trust and the sky is so blurred and path in front blocked now and I can barely even see straight. I feel like my thoughts are selfish and fearful as things are distorted and I want to be more like the picture of myself I have in my mind ..But have to let go of that....

So now I am trying not to lie to myself to make the weak part of me feel better. I want balance in my life instead of the back and forth... Or do I? I have realized some things about myself that I need to change and become better at in relationships and in taking care of my mind. I hope to gain control and understanding by being more open, admitting my wrongs, studying Others studying my Illnesses and confronting demons as bravely as I can without entangling myself in its clutches.

So, I guess I hope there is hope for us.

Thank you everyone sooooooo for your patience with me as I’ve been gripping for such a long time now. I just love you all so much. Each of you are beautiful earth angels to me. ❤️ Bless you me us

[Hidden]

We're still us, we can't let our illness take that away, you have really bad days and yet you're still you, a caring gentle soul who's always there and ready to listen to others, you're still there. So besides everything that you're going through Starrlight is still present and that alone shows your strength even if you don't see that. You're here

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I’m feel sorry for what I wrote because looking back it’s like I think bad of us because of illness but that’s not what I intended. I’m worried. I’m not thinking straight. I’m not sure what to do.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

No reason to apologize your post made perfect sense at least to me, I didn’t see anything wrong with it and posting what’s on our mind helps greatly so no need to be sorry for how you’re feeling hun

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

(((((((((((Callmedanielle)))))))))) thank you

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

😘😘😘😘💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻

[Hidden]

This is beautifully written, Starrlight! It gives us a glimpse into what you're thinking about. Where you just see confusion and "oh dear, I should not have written about this" I see bravery.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Awww thank you soooooo Minnie. How are you?

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

You're welcome😊😊😊

I had a bad Restless Legs (RLS) attack last night and didn't sleep because of it, so I slept all day today. I woke at 10pm to get some food and drink in me, but I'm tired again now at 12:37am. My husband wants me to stay up longer to even out my schedule, but I don't know. I'm exhausted. He won't mind if I fall asleep since he's already there. I just hope I don't have another attack tonight because they are torturous!!!! They send my emotions to places emotions are never supposed to go and take a lot out of me.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I’ve had the RLS too and it’s absolutely horrible. Best to you

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks, hon. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. To want to end your life so the physical torture would end is not a good place to get to. To make matters worse, I think I re-injured my knee from all the kicking (I had sprained it some weeks back and it was on the road to recovery).

Oh yikes! I just realized what I'm doing. I better stop. I'm sorry.

Ok, back to you. I'm going to bed anyway; I can't stay up anymore.

Take care of yourself, babe!❤❤❤

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Oh no I’m sorry ooooouch!

Haha you’re funny!

I m going to bed too, actually first I‘ll have tea to help me sleep but haven’t been able to get to sleep easily so may be up for a while.

Dream done beautiful dreams ✨ 🌙

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

What kind of tea do you drink? I like Tetley.

Thanks; you to re sweet dreams!😊

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Mostly Stash

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

I had to look this up. An organic tea from Oregon? Is this correct?

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I think it’s based in New York. I also like Numi tea.

[dmt1121 in reply to Hidden]

On the RLS, I have had it on and off for years. There are medications for it. I find a low dose of gabapentin helps because it deals with nerves....but talk to a doctor about what you need. Another possible treatment is acupuncture and I find that sometimes a heating pad on my legs helps and you move it as needed.

Good luck and get well!

[Hidden in reply to dmt1121]

Thank you!🙂

[Hidden]

There’s always this fight it feels like of who we are and what we could be. Your self awareness and the desire to improve your relationships is inspiring.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much. Yes the fight.

[Grady80]

I’ve been doing some looking and thinking back to how long I’ve suffered from depression and how it’s been up and down the whole time. I was wondering if there was ever a time when I felt like myself. I’m not sure I know who that is. Maybe this episode will help me become who I would like to be. I don’t know if I was ever well mentally. How can I accept the fact that this is the way that it’s going to be. Up and down. I’m hoping it gets better with age.

[Starrlight in reply to Grady80]

I hope so too. But I think Ive started to accept that this is how it’s going to be.

[Ddorne]

Starrlight, you are a blessing! A good writer. Introspection is good but not when it becomes ruminations! We may have to fight all our lives. But it’s ok

Liti

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

So are you! (((((((Ddorne)))))))))

[VDC1]

I understand you. For me it feels like a roller coaster and there’s short high’s that are fairly extreme followed by deep plunges, to where I dream of hanging. Every time I’m down I’m reminded more and more how little science understands about mental health. There’s definitely a significant genetic component to it and sometimes I feel like I was born unfit to survive in the world like a wounded dog.

[Starrlight in reply to VDC1]

((((((((((VDC1))))))))) yes I think it’s nature and nurture causing our illnesses and I’m so sorry you are in that kind of pain too.

[Hidden]

We are here with you friend...hold on when those fingers are slipping

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Pittiedad9 I so appreciate you

[dmt1121]

I think bi-polar is part of what makes us who we are but extreme versions of it are dangerous for us. "If we didn't experience low we wouldn't appreciate highs". ( I am sure I am misquoting someone or other.)

Where is the line between bi-polar and normal life? Your having a good day and you lose a job or Your planning a cool vacation and then there's a pandemic😒. I think it is a combination of what we do with those feelings and how deep they go that tells us if our emotional roller coaster needs to be a little less scary. lol.

We should love who we are and that we can be funny, creative, smart and loving, as well as all the crappy stuff.... It's a package deal and I know I needed help sorting out what was healthy creative imaginings, versus euphoric and grandiose thinking. Also, sometimes, others don't understand and we have to see what's right and healthy for ourselves.

Starrlight, you have the universe of possibilities floating in your mind and it's wonderful. Everything has value and like you said, it is a matter of balancing them. The universe is full of darkness and light, twisted and symmetrically beautiful and it is all important.

A toast to diversity in thought and emotions!

[Starrlight in reply to dmt1121]

Beautifully said.

Working on loving who I am.

Yes ha the roller coaster could be less scary!

[Shnookie]

Hi Starrlight. It’s Shnookie. U have a beautiful soul. This is the protected place where we can express ourselves and receive not only support but good advice and important info to navigate our lives

[Starrlight in reply to Shnookie]

Yes we are blessed to have this community. ❤️