I'm an ASCA. I call it abuse because I didn't want the sexual involvement/ attention from the teacher who used me. However, he "groomed" me - his advances were very gradual. I wanted a father's approval and pride in me, I wanted a teacher's attention, I was a very talented music student, but I didn't want my psyche shattered, I didn't want my virginity taken, I didn't want the "affair." Yet I did like it when my body felt pleasure. And I became almost addicted to that pleasure. So my journey of healing has had many hurdles and detours. I still feel debilitated by the false guilty of what he did. I feel guilty for having received any pleasure or any good thing in the midst of his abuse of my vulnerability. Even many pieces of music are extremely problematic for me: there are many artists/ songs he introduced me to that I still like as a musician and feel "at home" with because they have been so familiar for so long, yet they bring pain too because of the associated memories.
How do push through this? I want to be able to give myself permission to fully embrace the good and lovely and life-affirming things I truly like, even though they are historically associated (by me) with my abuse.
How do I resolve this tension?
There are some emotional-paths where I feel like I've come up against a brick wall. Do I walk away? Tunnel under? Climb over? Knock down the wall? What would any of those things mean for me? I can't deny the bad stuff existed. I don't want to. But I also don't want to deprive myself of anything good just because it came to me from my abuser. Partly, I don't want to give him any credit for anything good. Long ago I was pressured to forgive him too quickly. Then I went through a time when I embraced my anger. More recently I went through a healing stage where I really felt like I could forgive him completely as in let it go entirely to God. But now I am coping with the realization that what he does or doesn't deserve isn't really up to me at all. And what I do with my feelings about anything is entirely up to me. I really want to be free of anything that drags me down or impedes me from further healing and growth. I think it's all really complex - the "fabric" of my experience, my journey since then, my feelings, all of it is deeply complex.
But I want a way of moving forward that is "simple" as in unified for me. I want a clarity that helps me go forward. And I want to be proud of myself for how I do it.
Sometimes I really resent (feel anger towards God) that healing is so much work!
But I really do believe healing WITH MY CONSENT, and full participation is actually GIFT. So at my core I am grateful that so much of my healing is up to me.
Even so, it's hard.
Does anyone on here have any wisdom to help me? Please don't offer superficial cliches. I think what is most helpful is simply truth-telling from your own life.
Thank you for "listening"!
