As the title suggests. I experienced a very unhappy weekend back in late Feb, and such memory still come back and haunt me whenever I close my eyes. Just want to know if anyone has the same issue and how do they deal with it.
I was abused by my parents so don't contact them very often now. I was away for 5 years and couldn't come visit because of Covid and some other problems, and this Jan and Feb I went back to stay with them for a month to reconnect. It was ok at first. I established my boundaries and stood by them. But it went bad at the end of Feb, when we spent a day with another family. That couple was my parents' best friends, I grew up under their watch. They are loving people. They don't know that my parents beat me when I was little, and I didn't tell them that because I was taught that what happens within the family should stay within the family. Nevertheless, they know that my parents were very strict, so they were very nice to me when I was a kid. Back in the days when I was suicidal, they were the first on my call list in case I really decided to do it.
I brought gifts and tried to make conversations, but they cold-shouldered me the whole day, as if I did something wrong but they wouldn't say what it was. East asians sometimes don't speak out minds straightforward. But it's obvious that they were speaking up for my parents, by constantly saying how difficult their life was, and asked if I'd come back home more often in the future. My father, who beat me when I was a kid just because he want to & played a good and upstanding father in front of everyone else, he obviously felt much better when his friends stood up for him. I broke. I went to the toilet and cried for so long. and nobody came to my comfort. as if I'm some kid who just need some discipline. I have to admit that I got weak and played a loving daughter in front of them. But I only felt numb inside.
If happened more than a month ago, and I'm certain that it didn't affect any of their lives. It is just me who can't sleep at night, knowing that there's one less reason to live for. I know the solution is to move forward, let the past flow, and build something for myself. But I can't stop thinking about it whenever my mind is freed up I just want to stop thinking about that and go to sleep, not turning and crying every midnight.
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jassmint
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Yes I'm living far away from them now by myself. The geometrical distance helped in the past. But this time, it seems that it doesn't stop me from thinking dreadful thoughts. I'm the only child so there's no one to talk to. I tried discussing my thoughts on my past with my mother, but she denied that it happened at all. There's a lot I haven't said since the reality is more complicated, but safe to say that I'm all by myself in this issue.
That certainly sounds like making excuse for her behavior. I await your apology.
Also, this assumprtion is wrong. I was in high school when I tried to talk to her about it, she beat me too when I from 7 to 14 years old. Before 7, I lived with my grandparents. After 14, I grew up and got stronger, and she couldn't pin me down any more. I remember clearly when she said "I don't remember such thing" with a smug smile. She herself apologized for that 10 years later and admitted her intention of shutting me up. My father beat me, he didn't beat her.
If you have any potential useful information on how to let the past go, I'd be really thankful if you could share it with me. Otherwise I'd appreciate it if you could stop making speculations that doesn't seem to be pertinent at all.
I apologise if I came across as trying to shift the blame, it was not my intention. I'm afraid the reality (in my non expert opinion) is that your parents appear to be set in their ways and see no reason for change. May I ask If you chose to visit them out of duty/loyalty or were you hoping to see a change in their behaviour given that you are older now?.
Apologies accepted, and I do thank you for taking an interest in my life and story. It should help to see things from another perspective.
I don't expect them to change. My only expectation was for myself to stand up for my boundaries in front of them. I will have to go back sooner or later, 5 years is already long enough. This is mostly a cultural thing, east Asians usually have a closer relationship with their parents. Most of the people in my old social circle didn't even expect me to take a leave for 5 years in the first place. My parents' friends' behavior hurt me, but it was not completely unexpected.
Perhaps what hurt me most is not their behavior, but the fact that I broke down and played their game in the end. That's something to think about 🤔
Sorry to read that your father hurt you as a child and your mother denies any of it happening. It is one thing for a parent to be nasty, but somehow it makes it so much worse when they make out you are the problem and pretend they are lovely. It can really mess with your head and make you feel worthless. It can be soul-crushing and humiliating to experience what you have experienced and for your parents to behave like they have done nothing wrong. You must have lived with a lot of fear growing up, especially as an only child. No doubt you suffered with PTSD or maybe you are suffering from it now due to going back to visit them and having sleepless nights. Why do you visit them? Is it because you feel guilt, obligation or shame? Is it due to loneliness? Do you think you would benefit from not having them in your life? Perhaps looking into talking therapy may help and buying a punchbag to vent all your negative emotions may help you sleep better at night and give you a break from the tears. It's what I did and it gave me a sense of control and empowerment. I wish well and hope you find a way to make peace with your past.
Hi Lucy, thank you so much for your kind words. It's so nice to hear that what I feel and remember is valid and that the challenge I met with is real. 🙏
It's a good question why I went back home. A major reason is the culture. In East Asian culture the parent-child relationship is closer than the West. A family is always a family. That is like Latino culture in a way. Even during the 5 years, I know that I have to get ready to see them again eventually. I went to therapy for a bit more than a year during those 5 years, and I got confident that the relationship could be rebuilt in a way that my opinions and feelings are not suppressed. tbh I was making progress until the described event. I can stand up to my father when he belittle my hobbies and my friends. I also made peace with my mother after she apologized. It felt better than avoiding them.
I think you're right with the PTSD. It happened twice during that month, when I suddenly got so overwhelmed. Therapy must be a good solution, and punching bag as well 😄 there's a 24 hour gym just close by. I'll try it out!
I think I understand you when you say about culture. I'm from England, but I'm not quite sure what British culture is anymore as it seems to be over run by various other cultures. To me, British culture used to be about strong foundations and strong connections within the family without being too overruled by religion, which is what I still stand by. If you feel you need to keep your parents in your life no matter the damage they are causing to your mental health, then setting boundaries is the way to go. It seems like you are already doing this with keeping your distance and standing up for yourself, which takes a lot of courage. You are in a very tricky and complicated situation, and I think you are doing very well. Another thing I do is write in a diary when something has made me sad, angry or unsettled. I'm very analytical and pragmatic, so I can drive myself nuts trying to understand why something has affected me. If I was in your situation, I would write down the thoughts and feelings I feel about my parent's friends attitude towards me and also what I will do in the future if that happens again. This might help you feel more prepared and help you forgive yourself for letting them upset you so much. You will experience setbacks, but the key is to always forgive yourself. Remember, you are not weak for feeling hurt or overwhelmed by their actions. You are human and you are allowed to fall apart, it does not matter if it is 15 or 50 years later. I think our brains protect us from trauma until it's safe to collapse and rebuild. It sounds like you don't have peace of mind at the moment, so anything that relaxes you or brings you joy, then do that. Whether it's taking a bath, meditating, using calming oils around the house, drawing/colouring or whatever. I hope you managed to get to the gym 🙂
Hi Lucy, thank you for the reply ❤️ I have read your words several times and it gives me power to move on, know that there are ways to cope and know that my voice can be heard and understood. idk if they are still in my life, as I live in a different country now and will only go back once a year. Pls rest assured that I will protect myself and stay away from that toxic environment the best I can. I just won't be hiding away anymore. Perhaps next year I won't live with them, but stay with a friend or rent a short stay instead.
It was not really my parents that hurt me this time, but their friends. I had already accepted that my parents don't know how to love and respect their kid as a human being. But I didn't expect their friends to feel so strongly about me not "taking care of" my parents (emotionally). It will take some time to accept that their love for me is conditional, as they will always put my parents' interest above mine. They will only love me as an affiliate of my parents'. Interesting that you brought up writing things down, I actually wrote text messages the next day, explaining my side of the story. It did feel better having those paragraphs ready to go on my phone. I didn't send them though. It took a lot of consideration before I eventually decided that it'd be better for me to establish my own connections instead of trying to win them back.
It will take time to heal but talking about it helps a lot. I'll remember to try journaling if the emotion hits again. I haven't tried boxing yet but have started using the gym 😀Thank you so much for listening and sharing your advice.
That's a good idea that I should have done 10 years back. But back then, the mindset of not airing out dirty laundry took over, so I didn't really tell anyone about it. Now, as a 30+, it'd be a bit weird to cry about stuff that happened 15-20 years ago.
My doctor prescribed mirtazapine for me to help with my sleeping which I take an hour before bedtime and I have found that I can now get a decent night's sleep without any conscious or unconscious disruption. It was Impossible for me to sleep properly before this. I also find that my thought pattern has regulated and I am no longer focused on negative things constantly.
Sorry to hear that you have similar problem with sleep. I'll look into that med 🙏 thanks a lot. I'll keep that in mind if I see a therapist for the problem.
My GP didn't push me for my reasons when I asked for help with sleeping, perhaps because I rarely contact her, but I have to admit that although the tablets she prescribed are low dosage 15mg they work wonders with my sleep patterns and don't affect my everyday life whatsoever. I find my concentration levels on other matters has improved also.
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