I have such low patience arguing with my significant other. My fuse is so short that when he beings to bicker I just zone out, even when I know he is genuinely yearning for me to listen and care. If I don’t zone out then I’m in full blown panic attack, crying over every little thing.
Do you have any recommendations on how to have healthy discussions vs letting arguments turn into fights that last hour(s) long when you know it’s just silly? Any questions you ask yourself and/or techniques to share?
I hate going to bed angry when I know I’m just stubborn, stuck in some fight or flight mode that I can’t get out of in my head.
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YellowFly
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its not always about having the higher ground its about finding a balance in between common sense really.most arguments are petty really so if you feel yourself being wound up take a deep breath and a step back even walk away.if it is an important issue that needs discussed agree beforehand that t will be done respectfully to each other.
Sometimes having a difference of opinion is healthy and getting angry doesn’t mean you have to loose control. Say what you want to say if you feel aggrieved, try to listen if your partner is trying to tell you something, even if he is just moaning and groaning.
You know if you are living with an angry person and you will know deep down if you feel this way too. Try to dig deeper in your understanding of why you feel angry. Is it warranted? Does it need listening to? Has it been going on for too long?
Perhaps you both need someone to listen and allow each to be heard. Find a therapist and sort this out, or if this is not possible find a friend who can listen to your grievances and tell you if your worries are founded and if you should take things further.
You can sit down when you are calm and talk things through with your partner if this is necessary as sometimes we can become too sensitive if the arguments are continual. Don’t take everything personally, a lot of anger is the other person’s stuff not yours, so allow them to get angry and don’t get involved.
But try to talk when you are both calm and always say you are sorry if you know that you have gone too far, people appreciate it and become more reasonable. Being stubborn is not a positive attribute for anyone.
I know for me, it’s hard to have a healthy argument. Afterwards, I always end up feeling bad about what I said or didn’t say or do.
I know people say to say this:
Do you want me to just listen or do you want me to give advice?
Maybe we could change it for arguments to this:
Do you want to me to listen to you (how you feel/what you think) or do you want us to come together and change something?
I know sometimes arguments are just letting off steam and saying something little that has been bothering you. Other times, it’s something that’s important and needs a serious discussion.
If you’re emotionally spent or reacting in a way that’s tied to your trauma, then it’s hard to help your body/your response know the difference.
It’s going to take some work.
I honestly don’t have any good advice. Fighting with someone for me or romantic relationships are weak points because of what happened to me when I was younger. Therapy has really helped me learn how to not take everything so personally, know how to defend myself, and set boundaries.
I really like this book: “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman g.co/kgs/6Rcnx6 I’d recommend reading it just to realize what both of your love languages are. I listened to the audio book from my local library. It’s definitely easier to “discuss” a problem when you feel fully loved.
Here are some examples for like what I’d try...
A boundary: I’m not going to argue with you about (what goes down the garbage disposal or when we load the dishwasher or what we should have for dinner) right now.
Not taking things personally: I am going to mentally remind myself, we are talking about a problem to work on it together. I am not being attacked. I am not being told I’m stupid or wrong.
For yourself: if you’re in an argument and you feel like you’re going to cry, maybe start a new pattern. “Hey, this is getting to me. (Stop talking for a second). I need a moment to take a deep breath.”
I honestly don’t know! I hope it gets better for you! I will say a therapist could definitely help you work on your needs. It’s common to have impatience whenever you’re dealing with something else (like depression, anxiety, stress at work).
If you know someone in your life who has been married for a long time and has a good relationship, maybe reach out to them? Like a grandmother or great grandfather? They might know you and have some tips.
1st video = a 1964 black and white video on how to handle marital conflicts. Fun to watch and breaks down what to do / what not to do. Seriously, watch this one!!!
2nd video = a school of life narration about how to argue in romantic relationships. I like the british voice narrator.
Overall, I wish you the best. It’s wonderful that you’re seeking to grow and improve on this in your life. I know you can learn and enact these pieces of advice to better manage an arguments. Keep learning! Try not to be too hard on yourself as you learn how to change in the direction you want.
I think it's telling that you said you have basically two ways of dealing with conflict: zoning out or blowing a fuse. (I've done both myself, around certain types of relationships) I try to remind myself conflict resolution is a skill. You just need to learn it and repeat it.
What I do, when I'm upset: sometimes I write it out and give it to the person. I include things I'm grateful for about them.
Also, if I feel like a meltdown is imminent, I leave the room. If possible, go be alone ... in my room, a walk etc and calm myself (put heat on my stomach, rub my stomach, take deeper breaths, play w smartphone-whatever)after I feel calmer, I say what upset me (usually only a few sentences) don't bring up past grievances.
Couples argue and disagree at times. Take a step back and see from the perspective of the other person. Maybe you can each write down what you hear the other person saying. Then read back what you hear. It takes time and effort in a relationship, but more importantly, you both need to listen to each other. If you have a mutual friend who is a good listener, you can have that person mediate for you guys. I hope for the best for you and your partner.
I am in the same boat. Silly things turn into long fights which makes things tense for the both of us. Sometimes it's really hard for me to let small things go and I don't know why. Some of the time I ask myself these things before deciding to bring up an issue to my partner whether small or more serious: Will I care about what the issue was in 3 hours? 3 days? or even in 3 minutes? Based on the answers I give to these questions I decide whether or not it's worth arguing about or even mentioning. However, sometimes I really let my emotions get the best of me and forget to ask myself these questions.
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