6’ from the edge : I don’t know where... - Anxiety and Depre...

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6’ from the edge

Dead1
Dead1

I don’t know where to start.

My childhood was great when I wasn’t at home, like the movies Sandlot, Stand by me & Goonies all in one. A small neighborhood in Indiana

When I was at home my mother showed very little love or had my back. She would put me through traumatizing situations for her own amusement. The one person you look to for comfort & acceptance & to tell you “ everything is gonna be ok”.

My father worked a lot & was mostly negative. Always comparing us to other kids & say “Why can’t you be more like him” I don’t have any memories of them being effectionate towards each other. They divorced.

I’m my early teens I became a loner & somewhat antisocial, taking long walks in the winter talking to Jesus because he seemed to be the only friend I could talk to

High school in the 80’s wasn’t that great, I flunked damn near everything & got an ulcer my sophomore year. Being 6’ 6” I stood out. Was great at basketball but never played do to my grades. The principle told me his 6 year old kids were smarter than me. I was made fun of by teachers in front the class. All the hurt, embarrassment & abandonment was swallowed & hiden while my face put on its disguise. I found joy in playing sports & playing in a band. anything that was “team” based

Long story longer, I’m an introvert, very insecure with no social or relationship skills. I have avoidant attachment problems & the two emotions I learned from my parents “ humor & anger” so relationships never lasted long.

Being alone was never a problem , until I met a woman 13 years younger than me. I through everything at her, all my insecurity’s, indecisiveness & avoidance problems & she stuck with me. I fell in love. After 9 years she leaves me for a younger guy, abandoned again but I don’t blame her. I’ve never been more destroyed in my life & I couldn’t just swallow the pain. Had a nervous breakdown at work & was out for 3 months

I’m 48 now, suffering from hypothyroidism, plaque psoriasis, severe depression, anxiety & alone. I have body pain 24 hours a day that stops me from sports & music, the only things that brought me joy. Every night I pray that I don’t wake up. I work alone all day & alone at night. No real friends & my two brothers are not helpful. I cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve seen the mental doctors & have taken many antidepressants, but they don’t really help & make me gain weight & im so damn insecure that I stop taking them. I sleep 13 hours a day & feel like an old, dumb, ugly loser. I would give my life in a second to give a teenager a happy healthy life. I want to die. It won’t get better, I’m tired of hearing “hang in there” “ one day at a time” “your not alone” knowing someone els is going through the same thing doesn’t help my situation one bit. Depression isn’t a matter of “if” it’s a matter of “when” rich celebrity’s have unlimited resources, yet they take their lives. When you have this illness nothing matters. job, money, possessions or social status.

I’m alone & to weak to fight anymore, I would be dead if it wasn’t for my two shelter cats. No F-in way are they going back.

When you reach out to ppl for comfort or to just talk, hang out, get a coffee they don’t have time & have more important things to do until your gone, THEN they care while posting their sadness & waiting for sympathy replies.

results deffinitly vary, so fight the good fight

7 Replies
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Hello there, your story has truly touched me. I'm so sorry for what you have been through in your childhood and life. I know I don't know you but I just wanted to let you know that as a mother, it pains me that any mother could be so cruel and unloving toward their own children. I pray to God that things get better for and know that there are still good people in this world who truly care.

Dead1
Dead1
in reply to Jazzpn11

Thank you for your support, I do appreciate it greatly.

Jazzpn11
Jazzpn11
in reply to Dead1

Your welcome 😊 How are you doing today? If you need a friend to talk to you can reach out to me.

Hi pal

Hi pal. I can resonate with most of what you said. I’m a 48 yo man too. Not sure what to say. Life can be really shit sometimes. 2018 was possibly the worst of my life so far. Sever bout of depression. All of a sudden I started to feel just that little bit better. Not sure why. You will feel better. I have an under active thyroid and for many years just took my meds and never really realised how complex and important this is. There’s lots to it.

Do some research and have a look at your blood tests. There are some good books about explaining stuff. Please do not underestimate the importance of this.

In the meantime. Just take care of today. Do whatever helps even if that’s a small thing like cleaning, reading a book etc. Plough your own furrow. Don’t believe the hype. I also recommend a great book called ‘lost connections. By Johan Hari. Explains a lot.

Hey hey check this one out! I just thought my life was over, for real, look on CNN at the lead story and that is where I live, I said my goodbyes to my ex and told my good friend and they barely got back to me about it. I ran upstairs heart palpitations asking if the world was ending and this young couple answered all smiles letting me know that it wasn’t a comet or nuclear war it was a power plant explosion and I felt like a panicked old dork who kept them from seeing the moment longer while I was too scared to go outside and see it. I told my friend that I basically thought everyone in my neighborhood might die and he wrote “going to watch a movie with my wife check in tomorrow” I wanted to just end it too not to minimize your problems I totally understand your position.

Two months ago I spoke of the rationale of suicide with two close people, one offered me tea the other just casually said don’t do it but never looked or acted heartfelt concerned and these were two people I considered my closest friends!!! Yet I said you know what, f them, I’m not letting these peoples lack of sympathy dictate my life, I’m living...because of birds, art, AM radio, records, and driving a car, waves and trees...it’s hard but I’m going to make new friends that understand. I won’t say hang in their to you, that is cliche, also “you’ll get through it” turns my stomach, I will say to you dude you got to treat yourself to something good and know you are cool in your own way we can’t let the squares win, there needs to be a counter balance, don’t ruin the ratio!

wow, that was deep and i loved every minute of it. my whole thing is this, i find that almost everything if not everything i’m experiencing now at my age ties back to my childhood and upbringing. i’m a hundred percent behind the fact that an individual’s childhood shapes his future whether it be in a “good” or “bad” way so i cannot stand, for the life of me, why people try to downplay its influence and impact on you as an adult. ugh, beats me. i have one person in mind who goes against all my efforts to prove this point and their argument is that i need to stop playing the blame game and accept responsibility for who i’ve become. i kindly responded by letting this person know that responsibility is neither solely on me nor whomever i’m blaming but on both of us and that the share of responsibility is at a grave imbalance. case closed and that was the end of it. i had nothing else to say as long as i wasn’t being met with complete disregard for the shared responsibility of the guardian(s) in this equation.

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