Can’t snap out of this phase

[JM1064]

I don’t even know where to start. My self esteem has never been this low in my entire life. I feel so insecure 24/7 and want to just shut my brain off. I can’t talk to my parents because they make me feel shallow, which I know I am but I would really like to love myself. I have so much and am so content with everything in my life except myself. The big factor is my retroactive jealousy which makes me feel even more insecure, I ran into my bf’s ex and almost had a panic attack. Comparing myself to her makes me feel more insecure but I don’t know how to shut the thoughts off!!

[BonnieSue]

Hi JM,

I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty with negative thoughts. I'm sure you know what I'm going to say 1st: Comparisons are deadly, don't compare yourself with someone else! You have no idea what her shortcomings are that don't show by looking at her. Maybe she talks with her mouth full; maybe her breath is bad most of the time; maybe she's a talker who can't stop talking & who's really boring, maybe she's ALL 3!! And above all else remember that he's with YOU now! :o) Of his own free will!

Next I wonder if you've practiced removing your focus from negative thoughts and redirecting them to positive thoughts? To break an old habit you must replace it with a new, good habit and practice, practice, practice! Is there something you like that you can shift your mind to that thing? Sunsets, antiques, good times with your girlfriends, eating ice cream, shopping for clothing, family memories of celebrations, anything that you like. In order to keep your focus on the good scene you like, use your imagination and insert yourself into the images in your mind's eye and live out how you would enjoy them. Make a minute-by-minute little movie in your mind showing how you'd enjoy this scenario step-by-step. Every time your mind strays, gently turn it back to your wonderful scene. This works if you stay with it. Soon it'll get easier and easier.

Are you on any medication for OCD? If you are, it's not adequate and your doctor needs to know this in order to get your medication right. If not, it's worth investigating a medication to take for a long enough period that you can train yourself not to obsess about ex-girlfriends. Since I'm not a psychiatrist, possibly OCD isn't your dominant diagnosis responsible for this jealousy/obsession and you'll need a different medication due to that. I can't say, but I'm hoping you make yourself go see a good doctor to help you resolve this.

Take care,

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...

[JM1064 in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you so much for your response. I stayed off of the site for most of today because I actually did better than usual! I was very busy today so that helped. Even when I am busy at times I still have negative thoughts, it’s hard to predict when I will have good or bad days but today was a good day with minimal low points. I have been thinking of going to the doctor actually, especially after doing lots of research. I always felt stupid for feeling completely not in control of my thoughts but I’m realizing I might just need a little help to get there. Your response really helped me realize that and feel understood and not crazy or silly. Thank you for taking the time to give advice to me. It feels good talking to someone other than my parents or my counselor free of judgement. Have a blessed night and feel free to reach out to me whenever you need to talk as well!

[BonnieSue in reply to JM1064]

Thank you!

[seekingSunshine]

Comparing ourselves to others just causes us more sorrow. Try distractions when negative self thoughts come up. Listen to a comedian or watch a comedy show you like.

[JM1064 in reply to seekingSunshine]

Good idea. Thanks so much for replying!

[babygirl1952]

I Know How You Fill I Have been there myself almost every day in every way So I understand completely take care of your self-god bless

[Knowone]

I can relate to your jealousy it ultimately ended my relationship with the mother of my child 6 years ago. To be fair she was also not respecting me enough to discredit my jealousy, talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel him reassuring you could help a lot. Maybe him knowing will keep her at a greater distance.

[JM1064 in reply to Knowone]

Yes he knows and he has been the only one of my partners to be so patient. I know the problem is ultimately in my hands now. We don’t see her anymore because we both graduated college so it’s all in my head. That’s why I am considering going to counseling or seeing a doctor! I don’t want this to hinder this relationship or future ones if this one doesn’t work out etc. I don’t want to be held back by my mental health especially because relationships and marriage is important to me. It is nice knowing you relate.

[Knowone in reply to JM1064]

A relationship and ultimately marriage was always my goal, but she didn't respect me enough to distance her self from other men, so ultimately she was at fault, and I've accepted that. I haven't been ina serious relationship since then, but one day I will find the right one, don't work yourself up so much, we're only human and some of these things are a normal part of life. I'm here if you need, I try to login every night and see how my fellow peers on here are doing.

[JM1064 in reply to Knowone]

Thank you so much..

[babygirl1952]

You Know I used to do the same darn thing try to think of something Anything that makes you feel good and focus on that thought while sitting down and relaxing and do this for as long as it makes you feel better you may also want to put on some soft music that helps with your overall feelings going through your mind This is what I have to do often so god bless

[Joshy04]

Hi, I’ve been suffering from this for a few years. Only just figured out that it had a name. Reading self help books has helped me a great deal. Overcoming retroactive jealousy by a guy called Zachary Stockhill. This book has really helped me. Although the thoughts remain, he outlines practices that help to control our reactions. Good luck and be happy