Death Obsession/Worry Overwhelming Me

[notlrac]

Just having a hard time in recent days with this. My cancer worries and fears are in my head constantly, based on the blood I had in my urine in September and November. My initial investigations were clear, but also no cause has been given, so I fear the doctors missed something, and now after I contacted my doctor by email to ask him some questions, he said he would do another cystoscopy with a retrograde pyelogram added on "in the near future", even though he also said my initial tests were both "thorough and very reassuring". So why do more tests??? Him saying that I should have more tests has been echoing in my head since I read the email, over 3 weeks ago, and is scaring the hell out of me. I don't see him for an in-person consult for another 2 weeks. Meanwhile, I made the mistake of watching the last few episodes of Six Feet Under, and now death is all I'm thinking about. I'm 47, and have a young daughter I love with all my heart, but I have lost interest in everything else I used to enjoy. I'm so tired of the fear I can't conquer. So tired of feeling like I'm dying and nobody is doing anything to stop it. tired of thinking things like "this is my last Christmas". But also scared of another cystoscopy as the first one I had was a terrible and painful experience. I just wish I had never been born, so I wouldn't have to worry about death, disease, pain, and loss. I'm so pissed off I was born. At the same time, I don't want to cause my family pain. I'm just totally miserable. I was just started on Zoloft to go with my Klonopin. It's only been 4 days on the Zoloft, and I don't feel any effect yet except a little nausea and basically impossible to reach a satisfying ending to sex/self pleasure, which makes me even more miserable. I swear, it was the only thing that made me feel good for even a few seconds, and now I don't have that. What's the point of life? I'm just so, so tired of it. Tired of all of it. The waiting for death that comes for all of us. The wondering how, the fear of the pain and medical procedures. It seems like I will never feel good again.

[tamka38]

Hi am sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. I was on 50mg of Zoloft for 2 weeks and upped it to 100mg for 2 weeks am noticing am getting up more and moving but am still not motivated and

I go from being happy to being sad am here if u want to talk

[notlrac in reply to tamka38]

Thank you, Tamka. I hope it ends up working, but I've been on many others in the past, and never feel all that much better. They do reduce the extremes I guess, less crying, whatever, but I also tend to get more irritable and have outbursts of anger. Never a good medium between the two. Never notice my anxiety or OCD thoughts get much better.

[tamka38 in reply to notlrac]

Praying for you hope u feel better soon

[Brimay]

Hi, I feel you man, I have exactly the same. I am on so much medication and have just been put on buspirone. Buspirone really works but it has given me some side effects - or i'm not sure 100% if it is the buspirone as usual I think it is some cancer as my spine hurts when i breath in and out. I wish I didn't develop this shortly after starting the buspirone as it really works especially on the thought process - it completely stops you worrying and is a non addictive drug. Take care mate, I am sure that if you were recently tested that it will be fine. Take care

[notlrac in reply to Brimay]

Side effects with everything it seems. I am wondering if the blood I had in my urine was a side effect of the Trintellix I was on, that I started in July. Trintellix carries an abnormal bleeding warning, even mentions it on the commercial, and it's a fairly new drug, so I bet they don't even know all the negative effects it could cause or contribute to.

[Brimay in reply to notlrac]

Yes absolutely, that will be the obvious cause. Hope you get your answer man and just stay calm, it will rectify.