Well I have major depression/anxiety. I'm terrified of dying but feel absolutely nothing. Recently seperated from my wife and 3 kids (I'm ashamed to say I dont want to hurt myself, but at the same point would not mind if I didn't wake up, but I know the pain that would put my kids and family under. I just feel so stressed out at having to stay alive and I reckon I am in a constant existential crisis. I'm fairly sure I am a narcissist, that has lied and always been self-centered, that's why I hate myself and you can't change who you are can you? I'm introverted and work from home (was always money motivated) but now have no interest in work or making money any more. It's thought I'm retired already. I have no interests, passion or purpose anymore. I live alone and can barely eat. Every day is just goundhog day and I'm literally waiting to die...I know I've had a severe nervous breakdown and that it's only me that can recover/motivate myself, but I have no sleeping/patterns, I'm unreliable and don't trust the super dark thoughts that come into my mind..OMG wtf do I do..
I hate myself: Well I have major... - Anxiety and Depre...
I hate myself
Hi am so sorry to hear that u having a tough time right now. Do u see a psychiatrist or a therapist they can
Really help u out a lot have u tried
Reaching out to a family members
Or a friend and u can always text a
Criss hotline @ 741-741 and if u
Really feeling bad u can go to the
E.R. There is a lot of help out there
If u willing to get the help u need
Right now is important u get self
Care and u can always tell your
Doctor too u don’t have to do
This alone and we all are here
For u and please keep reaching
Out am here for u and sending
U a great big hug 🤗
Thanks Tamka. Was recently (June this year discharged from psych hospital following a Psychotic breakdown in which I talked about harming my children. I can't believe I said that, but I guess that's all part of the psychosis and delusion thoughts that come with major depression. I'm stuck in a dark place where those thoughts persist (they won't need to grieve me if they're dead. But I would obviously never do that. That's why I now self distance from my kids (son's school play tonight. It makes me sick that I can't be there and actively "enjoy" the experience. I know I'm totally missing out on "life". I'm so ashamed that my depression makes me feel "nothing" for my kids and that in itself makes me feel sick. I know I am debilitating ill and I hate watching TV now, becayse every once in a while an advert comes on about life insurance or the cost of a funeral, neither of which I have or can cover. I'm also aware of an afterlife (having done ouiji board at university so I know there are good and bad spirits. I;m stuck between hell and high water tbh...
Keep in mind that hating yourself can be a symptom of a much larger problem in your life. That u been dealing with for a long time, that can lead to you harming yourself and the people around you. ring a little too close to home, I urge you go to the E.R. If u still feeling like hurting yourself or feeling bad it is a lot of professional help out there no matter how much you hate yourself at this moment, you still deserve love, care, and most of all, intervention. So please, take this moment to think about your own sanity and how your self-hate can affect your life and the life of those who love you.
U love your kids and they love u and they would be heartbroken if something happen to u. There are times in a person’s life when you just can’t stand yourself. This is normal because we all get frustrated with ourselves sometimes. It might be a little extreme to call it self-hatred, but in the heat of the moment that frustration can feel a lot like hate. Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, ... Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.
Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up. They can’t rescue you if they don’t know you need it. Ask for help to fight another day.
Every day is a good day to be alive, whether the sun's shining or not.
Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to
know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, ...
Not everyone tells the truth, trust anyway. Not everyone will love you back, love anyway . Not every game will be fair, play anyway.
I used to wish that every day would be wonderful, that every morning I would wakeup refreshed and renewed, not a drop of sadness in my blood.
When you're tempted to give up, your breakthrough is probably just around the corner. ....
I wish I could experience sadness or happiness. I just feel absolutely nothing about nothing. I believe it's anhedonia. I wish I could turn back the clock to when I was well and living with my wife and kids. There's plenty of wishes and regrets about the past, I just now worry about my future, the kids future. It breaks my heart when I talk to them on skype. They send me get well soon cards too, and I just know that Daddy is dying. If I don't love myself, how can I truly love them and if I can't trust myself, how can my ex-wife trust me. I feel so sick and tired of being sick and tired 
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not thinking, not wondering, not imagining, not obsessing and just breathe. Have faith that everything will work out for the best.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. The moment you’re ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens. Don’t give up.
Before you can see the light, you have to deal with the darkness.
Stop beating yourself up. It serves nothing. Absolutely nothing. We all have things about ourselves that we want to change or don't like so much .
bigthink.com/mind-brain/can...
I do think that reading this article could lead you to think that death is inevitable, but this is not the case. As much as you have this apathy you have the capacity to come out of this apathy. Maybe you are just shut down at the moment because you need a rest from it all?
Someone wrote a poem on here once which helped save my life. It was Mrmonk's postingl the poem was called "Wait", and the poem basically says that when you feel like you do please just wait a while. Don't give up on life. Give it a little time. Just do a tiny bit of healing gradually. Try and slow down this reponse. As bad as you feel now you can feel just the opposite. One day you may wake up and feel a little different; on the path upwards again. There is still time for you. Don't think yourself into the inevitability of a negative end as that is just your mind playing tricks on you. It doesn't have to be that way, honestly.
It's impossible for me to have a rest from it all, because it's all consuming. There is no chance to rest and recover as I'm constantly in a state of heightened anxiety. I'm absolutely terrified to be honest. I feel alone and that I can't trust my thoughts, I know that there will unfortunately be an end when tomorrow never comes that is what is crippling me to an extent.
I have felt totally on the brink myself and not that long ago. This intense anxiety will reach a peak but anxiety is not what kills you. You actually have to commit an act on yourself for that to happen and I am asking you not to do that but to leave it and not give in to those thoughts. I know it all feels impossible right now. I've been there. Phone hotlines as many times as you need if you get to that point. Please don't go down that road. There is another way out, a better way though I know you can't see one right now. I won't give up hope for you.
Thanks. Yeah, it's just incredibly scary, feeling alone and knowing that my family are out there. My ex-wife and mother of my kids works for a mental health charity too
Hi hambo,
I'm sorry for all that you are going through. Going through a separation is high up there with some of the most stressful things a human can experience. It is not surprising that you are having a really hard time right now. This time shall pass and there are brighter days ahead, even though it's hard to see that right now. Hang in there.
Wanted to comment on your "I'm a narcissist" comment. Most narcissists do not care in the least that they are narcissists. It's not even on their radar to change, usually. In their minds, the problem is with everyone else! So I'm doubting that you are a narcissist. I think you may be more on the opposite (neurotic) end of that spectrum. Maybe talk this through with a therapist?
In either case, you can change who you are. Well, not all of you, but some of you, and most importantly, the parts that you want to change. People do it all the time. I've done it a couple of times in my life. I'm still doing it. It starts with changing the way you are doing things- then changes in thinking/perspective/beliefs follow. Are you in therapy? Find a good therapist who knows CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) as part of their therapeutic modality arsenal. CBT is good for either end of the character impaired-neurotic spectrum. (Again, you don't sound character impaired to me based on all you say). And CBT with a good therapist is most certainly very helpful for people with anxiety/depression. I'm wishing you all the best~
So sorry to hear you’re going through this right now hambo. It’s easy to feel like depression is your fault and to feel ashamed of the thoughts you have (I know I often do) but the truth is it’s not. None of us chose to be like this. None of us chose to be miserable. It must be so hard for you to have to be away from your kids right now, but I’m glad they send you cards and keep in touch. It’s always nice to know you have people who care (even if sometimes you wish they didn’t, because that would make things so much easier if something happened to you. I know at least I’ve felt this way before).
Just take things one day at a time and try to be easy on yourself. It’s not your fault you have to suffer with this illness, and you’re doing the best you can. All of us here are.
I feel paralyzed. I know it is my life, but feel like I am a living corpse atm. I almost feel that suicide is inevitable, but I'm trying my best to stay alive for at least another 3 years so I can at least get a life insurance policy in place and live past the "suicide clause". I can't do anything until then as I at least need to leave something to them.. It's a god forsaken place to be in that level of darkness. I think I may be schizophrenic too and it's horrible to be in a headspace where I feel that I am the only one to make decisions. I know all my family are super worried about me, no one is more worried about me than myself, that's for sure..
The worst thing is, is that this is probably how I meant to end up. I've always had a fear of going to prison for a crime I didn't commit and pleading my innocence but people won't let me out. I'm also claustrophic. Great, working from home fits that bill nicely. Prison, claustrophobia. No visitors, no healthy food.
Sometimes, in an effort to improve, we end up being very harsh and critical towards ourselves. We impose unrealistic expectations and pressures given by those around us. We bombard ourselves with unkind mental chatter and self talk.
Am praying for u and I care about u and hope everything falls in place for u good luck on your journey and am here for u
Hugs and love ❤️🤗🙌🏾
I'm young and don't want to die. Maybe I'm scared. I guess we are quite common, I'm arrogant, manipulative, attention-seeking, perverted, pathetic, lazy, and gross.
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