'Anxiety vs Love' - the match continues :/ I'm still winning, but...

[Strebbs]

So I'm 28, and in an honestly very healthy relationship with the most special person. However, I really struggle with my anxiety and with my emotions in general. This is also my first romantic relationship, so lots of unhealthy preconceptions and new experiences there, and I've basically never tried letting anybody close before (after high school I slowly became a solitary mess). So I unconsciously do lots of things that I now suspect I do in an effort to keep her at a distance. Little actions, like changing an emoji before sending a text because it was "too" cheerful, somehow... and following myself down that thought train I think it's because I fear us becoming really animated and having a good time, and that scares me somehow. Does this sound familiar to anybody? I feel like little things like this (and others) are subtle ways I try to sabotage my relationship without thinking about it, because I'm still scared of letting her get too close. I was WAY worse before, I'm come so far, but... sometimes, it just feels like I've made no progress at all

I should also mention that I have a lifelong habit of "white-knuckling" my feelings - basically always acting cheerful, forcing a laugh, anything to not let people see me suffering, because that would be letting them down, somehow (I think I learned that from interacting with my mom). So it's very tough for me to find the line between "don't pretend to be cheerful when you're hurting" and "don't refuse to interact just because you're sullen and scared of closeness".

I also have OCD, and this struggle becomes worse when my brain goes "oh, you're trying to keep your distance, it must be because you aren't that into her anymore." It doesn't matter how many times my therapist validates my opinions, or I myself do, my mind always goes back to trying to be alone, and trying to convince me that it's because I'm just not "happy" enough with my relationship - as if I wouldn't be isolated even further as a result, and immediately look for something else to fill that void, like a different relationship. These obsessions have weakened with time, but they're still there.

tl;dr... My girlfriend is amazing and beautiful and I just want to be close to her... but, too much of the time it feels like "I want to WANT to be close to her" because what I'm feeling is... scared. Sometimes it's right as rain, and my anxiety takes a backseat role. But, I hate doubting myself, and my desires, and then feeling guilty for it. I'm honestly making great progress all the time, and it shows whenever I reflect on where I was at even a month or two ago. But the struggle continues.

Sorry this is so long. I would love to hear from anybody who shares the struggle of dealing with anxiety while in a committed relationship I'd love to hear some encouragement that's born out of other people's experiences!

[tamka38]

Anxiety can effect relationships in different ways. In some people, it might stoke the need for constant reassurance. In others, it can cause them to hold back, to lessen their vulnerability to possible heartache. Vulnerability – being open to another – is beautiful and it’s the essence of successful, healthy relationships. The problem with protecting yourself too much is that it can invite the very rejection you’re trying to protect against. Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, untamed parts of you – the parts that are often beautiful, sometimes baffling, and always okay with the person who loves you. It’s understandable to worry about what might happen if someone has open access to these parts of you, but see those worries for what they are – worries, not realities – and trust that whatever happens when you open yourself up to loving and being loved, you’ll be okay. Because you will be.

[tamka38]

Anxiety can be triggered by nothing in particular – that’s one of the awful things about it – so it will look for a target, an anchor to hold it still and make it make sense. If you’re in an intimate relationship, that’s where the bullseye will sit, drawing your anxiety into its gravitational pull. This can raise feelings of doubt, jealousy, suspicion and insecurity. Anxiety can be a rogue like that. That doesn’t mean your relationship deserves your anxiety – most likely it doesn’t – but your relationship is important, relevant and often in your thoughts, making it a lavishly easy target. Remind yourself that just because you’re worried, that doesn’t mean there’s anything to worry about.

Worry if you have to, but then see it for what it is – anxiety, not truth. You are loved and you have anxiety and you are okay. Let that be the truth that holds you.

[tamka38]

Being in love is crazy good but it can take your attention away from looking after yourself and on to looking after your special person. We all tend to do this but for people with anxiety it can be particularly problematic because once you’re off-balance, the ripple can bring other things undone. Taking good care of yourself is so important. Eating well (a healthy diet rich in omega 3, low in processed carbs and sugars), as well as regular exercise and meditation will help to build your brain against anxiety. If looking after yourself feels selfish, think of it this way: it’s not really fair to expect your partner to support you through your anxiety if you’re not doing everything you can do to support yourself.

Think of self-care as an investment in you, your relationship and your partner. Remember too that anything that’s good for anxiety is good for everyone, so talk to your partner about chasing a healthy lifestyle together – cooking, exercising and meditating together … nice.

[Strebbs in reply to tamka38]

Thanks so much for the reply!! It's really nice to hear so much encouragement in one spot

Yes, it's very hard to take care of myself at the same time, because my go-to attitude is either be dependent on someone else for my emotional needs (my partner) or even more commonly, just not face them at all.

I have the unique luck of not only having a supportive partner, but one who is so very much like me, including her own history with mental illness and recovery. Still, lifelong fears and habits are so hard to change. I really struggle to have patience with myself.

It's been about 2 years since I first began to care about my health, and less than a year since I even learned I have anxiety (crazy, right) so it's been a cram study for me. i wish I could just go "c'mon, I know by now that she loves me and is there for me, that I'm worth it as a person and this is all in my head", but of course, the brain doesn't work that way does it -_-

I'm just keeping on doing the best I can and adding more knowledge to my toolbox. Thanks so much for saying all that, I have a mind to screenshot your comments for good advice and affirmations (:

[tamka38]

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.

Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy. ~

Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.