Relationships are hard, and self-care is harder

[Strebbs]

So I’ve been going through a really rough patch lately. My girlfriend is under a ton of stress trying to help her kid through some difficult times of their own, and she has a difficult time sleeping even at the best of times. I’m worried about her, and since she doesn’t have the mental space to really be there for me right now, that’s been weighing on me, too.

I really struggle with codependency, as well as OCD and anxiety. I am in a relationship where I don’t need to be afraid to speak my mind, but even so, I am extremely sensitive as a person. I’m still terrified to say anything to my partner that is at odds with her opinions, or even what my perception of her opinions are, because growing up with my mother, pretty much any criticism or disagreement I ever offered was met with a huge argument and an explanation of why it’s all my fault, somehow.

The worst part for me though, is my lifelong habit of listening to my emotions rather than just following my values. If something my partner does upsets me, my brain usually responds with “maybe she just isn’t right for you” aka taking anything less than perfect and turning it into a full-blown obsession about the quality of my relationship. I’m wise to this habit now, but these thoughts still crop up constantly, and even if I don’t buy into them like I used to, they still cause me pain.

I’ve had periods where this hasn’t been so bad or even where it hasn’t been the case at all, but going through so much recent anxiety and loneliness as I have been, it’s obviously been much more uncomfortable for me.

I’ve realized that I tend to rely on my girlfriend for just about all of my emotional needs, something that’s rooted in toxic masculinity and is a real issue for men (it has a name, but it escapes me right now). Of course, it’s not just towards my partner that I experience anxiety - I’ve been doing it towards anyone and anything pretty much my whole life! I have a real hard time letting anybody in close, and reaching out for support. At the moment I have one to two other people I can count on, and I’m trying to encourage myself to contact them more often. I’m also very hard on myself, and my brain comes up with all these rigid ideas about what i “should” be doing, or thinking, what my recovery is “supposed” to look like. Very often I just end up ruminating and making my obsessions worse, when I think I’m actually doing something productive (for example, I convince myself that because trying not to think about unpleasant thoughts is unhelpful, therefor ANY form of distraction when I’m feeling upset is a no-no, and I need to just sit with my feelings “better” - in other words, ruminate more 😑). It’s impressive, really.

Anyway, lately I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness more often, reach out to people I can trust, and try not to let my fears and worries control my life. It’s really hard. My brain tries to identify any little flaw in my relationship or my partner as a massive threat, and as I have no real experience with healthy relationships prior to this one, it’s hard for me to just trust my gut and stay in a situation my brain tells me is dangerous and uncertain. Even after a year and a half together, my brain still tried to get me to run sometimes. Uncertainty is hard for me to bear, but I know by now that the more I go looking for certainty, the less I’ll find it, and the more my worries will grow.

I have come a very long way, and I know that this too will pass. I also tell myself I am grateful for challenges like this, because they give me the opportunity to work on myself even harder if I want to maintain what I’ve earned. And I know that with every struggle I overcome, the next one will be easier to weather. I’m trying to be more action-oriented, and prod myself to ask “what will help me in this moment” rather than just sit an ruminate, thinking I can solve my problems an everyone's else’s from inside my skull.

I still get down on myself though, especially over the fact that I don’t have a job - my last two ended in mental breakdowns and I’m scared about the pressure of trying to hold down a job right now. My girlfriend isn’t pressuring me at all and is extremely supportive of me even with the things I currently lack, but obviously this state isn’t sustainable for me. For right now, I’m going to keep making myself a priority, and try to live just for today. I hope that one day I’ll have the coping tools to hold down a job comfortably, be able to express my thoughts and needs to my partner without fear of retribution, and maybe even not be so scared of people in general. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, and focus on how incredibly far I’ve come in just the past couple years. It’s just very hard sometimes.

[Pugglesworth]

Hi Strebbs.

That's a lot to digest and a lot to get off your shoulders.

You are correct: relationships are hard and the hardest one of all is our relationship with ourselves. Human beings were never built to be alone, but how can we love someone else when we can't even love ourselves? It seems selfish, but love does begin right where we are with who we are. Love starts with us. And loving ourselves with all our inadequacies and short comings is one of the most difficult things we can do. But it must be done before the healing can begin. The healing of our past traumas, of what we've repressed, of our emotional baggage. And that takes time. And patience. And re-training our minds.

That's how my inward journey began. I realized I wasn't my thoughts. I realized my mind didn't always have the best intentions for me. Why would that be? And if I'm not my thoughts, who am I? Our mind, body and emotions can deceive us. They can cause needless pain and suffering. But they can also cause peace and ease and be our best support when properly trained. We've fed and been fed so much garbage that it takes time and effort to turn that around. To clean house so to speak.

Begin the search my friend. The ADAA website is a great place to start. Lots of resources out there and a healthy amount of work to do, but it sounds like you're ready.

[Strebbs in reply to Pugglesworth]

Hi, thanks very much for the reply! I liked the way you put that. That is indeed the journey I’ve been on for a while now, in trying to teach myself that I am not my thoughts, that I always get the last word in the form of the choices I make. I spent my whole life being at the whim of my thoughts/feelings, and not trusting myself to make my own choices. It’s within my comfort zone to simply react based on the whims of others, or often just what I perceive them to be. To grow as an individual, not dependent on anyone telling me what to do and not informed by what others think of me, is very much a scary thought for me, and the easiest way to live would just be to continue not giving myself that choice at all.

I’m feeling a lot better today, trying to work on self-care a lot more. I realize that I spend a lot of time feeling as though I need to make myself available to my girlfriend all the time, and worrying over what she might be thinking of me. Often I don’t even realize I’m doing this, because it more comes in the form of emotions I’m very used to feeling (abuse, fear, shame) rather than more cohesive thoughts. The problem with this, of course, are that this is the way I always loves under my mother - I know this pressure and expectations and unnecessary as well as unhelpful here in the present, and even if they were, my worth is not informed by others. But, that’s a very hard mindset to change. I’ve been working at it for some time now though, with help from my partner and my therapist. I’ve come a long way. Some days are just worse than others, I have to be vigilant about my motivations because too often I react to what I’m feeling automatically, and just end up spiraling.

[Stilltrying_]

Stunningly perceptive post Strebbs and I can relate. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It is great that you are now in a healthy relationship. I am getting there too. I am mixing with "normal" rather than acutely dsyfunctional people which is a big step forward for me. You are doing well and have great insight. x

I love the reply from ronbo42 also. Self love is the goal ; though it has to be felt on an emotional level rather than recognised on an intellectual level. I am a work in progress like yourself and I think you will get there x

[Strebbs in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks very much!!!

[Justbreathe1]

I appreciate this honesty and openness so much. I can relate so much in some of the way you explained and how you are in the relationship and obsessing over the imperfect and letting it determine the whole relationship, I struggle with that too. It’s something I still try to work on everyday.

Some of these qualities I also see in myself and I’m grateful for posts like these because they just make me more aware of my own behaviors and keep me pushing to break the toxic unhealthy patterns we pick up in life and from others.

Just know you’re not alone, and there are others feeling the same way or going through similar situations. I know I find comfort in knowing that. I’m also trying to find my way to healing too, best wishes to you and hope you find peace

[Strebbs in reply to Justbreathe1]

Thank you, I’m glad it resonates with you too This was nice to hear. Something I’ve practiced enough that it tends to help now, is reminding myself that I always have a choice. That, and asking myself whether what I’m feeling is within my values or not.

I have this fear (among many others) that somehow, if I continue to become more confident and independent as an individual, one day I’ll wake up and realize I don’t really love my girlfriend, that I was just using her for comfort, and I will then have to leave her. This thought brings me a lot of pain, because obviously, it isn’t what I want or believe in. But it’s the kind of fear that I think functions to keep me dependent and reactive to the needs of others, because it’s more comfortable to simply not give myself my own choices when doing so would make me responsible for my own actions, and I never really learned to just trust myself. The fear of failure is a big problem for me, too. It’s during obsessions like this that I try to remind myself that I always get to make my own decisions, and nothing can ever force me to make choices I don’t want.

I guess a part of me is still also afraid to believe in success or happiness, or love, because my experience has taught me it’s something that always comes at a cost. The more of it you want, the more you have to sacrifice to be obtain it. These are beliefs I’ve struggled with as far back as I can remember, without knowing it at the time of course.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Strebbs]

Wow you express yourself so clearly. I can SO relate to so much of this. Keep on working on it and I think you're maybe a few steps ahead of me already. You're doing a great job : )

[Justbreathe1 in reply to Strebbs]

You’re doing a lot better than me. I’m barely trying to even learn to develop healthy coping skills through research and this community now. The same thoughts and questions you ask yourself are some of the very same ones I ask myself too. This is my first serious relationship and I’ve realized how anxiety is affecting it as well. You’re not alone. I too, get obsessive at moments and I always wondered if that just made me a little odd but it’s a relief to know it is also from anxiety.

My experiences have taught me the same and it really is a matter of changing the toxic beliefs you once had to create healthy ones. I try and struggle everyday but it’s comforting to know that improvement is possible and progress definitely can happen too, I just need to get there too

[Strebbs in reply to Justbreathe1]

I can assure you that wherever you're at, you're doing far better than you think - that seems to be a hallmark of anxiety.

I doubt I'm much further along than you. This is my first relationship too. We've been together about a year and a half, and a lot of my growth has been because my partner has also been working on her own recovery with addiction for years, and can empathize pretty well. That said I still feel real hurty a lot, some days constantly. I feel like I'm probably in the same boat you'e in where I'm trying to learn what works for me and what doesn't, how to defuse from my thoughts better, how to communicate my needs to my partner, something I STILL find myself very afraid to do.

I'm a lot better at it but I'm still super sensitive to any thing she might say or do that my brain interprets as a threat to me. Even after all my positive experiences with her, I'm still scared to do things as simple as tell her I had a bad day - because the experiences I've had for MOST of my life (with my mother) tell me saying anything deflating could sour her mood, and any time that happens she'll make it my fault that her mood is affected, and she'll be angry and disappointed in me. I still reflexively find myself tensed defensively or trying to pad whatever I'm about to say to make it seem more light-hearted, simply because I still get scared that she'll react unsympathetically.

So yeah, there's still a ton for me to work on, lol. I still feel at the tip of the iceberg, and right now I'm trying to uncover and acknowledge more of my feelings/beliefs, and learn healthier ways to get through the day (without obsessing about my girlfriend the whole time or relying on her for all of my emotional support). Self-care is really hard, especially when you have little experience acting like an individual.

I would say we're both trying to "get there too", and it definitely will come - it just takes a long time and a lot of help. We have to be patient with ourselves, remind ourselves that as long as we're moving in the right direction we're doing a good job. Just because we haven't come "farther" or done "better" than we have doesn't mean we aren't doing enough - baby steps are where it's at. I'm sure you're improving every day, and it's great you're able to keep a positive attitude about it!! I'm sure you don't always want to lol! Right now I'm actually feeling rather bitter and isolating, and the last thing I want to do is have positive conversations - even typing these exclamation points of enthusiasm feels like ripping bandaids off of burn wounds right now, lol!!! How backwards is that? Oh well, we all just keep trying our best! >.<

[Justbreathe1 in reply to Strebbs]

I have my days, some are not as good and some are pretty great. But thank you for your responses, and continue to become the best you.

I am hard on myself a lot of the time, which explains as me always feeling like I’m not doing enough. So I appreciate the reminder!

I absolutely agree, I am trying to find way to cope in a healthy way from day to day and it can be a struggle. Self care and and self love are definitely hard things and are constant work. You have really opened my eyes to some of my behavior just by your experiences that are very similar. I get caught up in wanting my emotional needs met by my partner too as to where I will not be as emotionally there for them but it’s something I’m working on among many other things. And where I’m obsessive about our relationship.

It’s just one of those things where we are trying to take care of our own self as well and take care of a relationship and other things and that’s always a tough juggling act.

Yes always trying our best and not giving up, I try to stay positive about it but other times I find it difficult.

[Strebbs in reply to Justbreathe1]

Yeah buddy, it's hard, but you're on your way. I'm really glad some of what i shared helps you!!

My myself, I'm sure a lot of my anxiety over my relationship is due to unhealthy expectations I have about what it should be like. I think we all have an image in our heads of what a "good" relationship should look like, popularized by TV, movies, stories, etc. I recognize that growing up, my emotional needs weren't often met. This was made worse by the fact that not only did I feel emotionally neglected by both my parents (and neglect, btw, can be just as damaging as tangible abuse) but I also suffered a great deal of emotional and sometimes physical abuse by my mom.

The way these experiences affect my relationships now are twofold, I'd say. First of all, I tend to be overly sensitive to rejection/abuse pretty much anything at all that my brain can identify as a threat or twist into one. This means, as one example, that let's say my girlfriend is having a particularly rough day, and she says something that hurts my feelings, even if she didn't intend to. Or more commonly, she says or does something that bothers me or hurts my feelings totally out of nowhere. I tend to have an internal argument with myself right away; I feel what I feel, but I try to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal, it's not worth mentioning to her, I should just stuff it away and be more adult about it. Because I know she didn't mean it that way, and I'm just sensitive, and should wait until the feeling passes. But the mistake I make here is thinking that there's anything "wrong" with that, or with me, or with any of it. The real source of my anxiety isn't that "I'm too sensitive", and that if I only grow to become less sensitive then things like this wouldn't bother me as much, and problem solved - it's that I'm scared to talk about my feelings with her for fear of her reaction, and am therefor judging my feelings as invalid. I don't know if you felt regularly abused or hurt in previous relationships, but regardless this is the type of mental state that usually comes with anxiety/depression/etc. The truth of the matter (and this is a very new concept for me btw, it's where I'm at in my recovery and it's something I'm kind of feeling out blindly myself) is that I'm not doing anything "wrong", and neither has she. Furthermore, she is perfectly capable of making mistakes, and saying/doing things that are hurtful to me or simply things I don't like. When things like this occur, my default reaction is to find some way to stuff down my feelings justify why I shouldn't talk about them. But a healthy relationship is all about connecting over our feeling, otherwise how can we grow closer, or feel supported? And often, if she does something that upsets me, my brain immediately spirals into "maybe she isn't right for me" or, "maybe she's secretly not as good a person as I thought, and I've been lying to myself all this time." In my case of course, those are more or less the feelings I had for my mom, and I'm expect my girlfriend to react harmfully to me sharing my feelings, because that was the only example I ever had.

In truth, my girlfriend WANTS me to talk about my feelings, and if I share that something she did bothered me, she might not be HAPPY about it of course, but she also doesn't blame me. We talk about how we felt, we each share our side of the story, and we connect over it. In a healthy relationship we can always find ways to talk about our feelings (and our differences too) and not feel judged or unheard, and that are constructive and promote growth. If I don't feel like talking about my feelings, that's okay too. I'm also perfectly capable of sharing my feelings in such a way that she feels attacked, or I realize I'm being unfair, or we both are, or neither of us are, and we simply disagree and try to figure out how that can work together. A healthy relationship contains all of these things; but I feel like people, especially with anxiety (and especially men, who again are kind of conditioned to not discuss our emotions, and then only to the person we're having sex with) tend to idealize what a healthy relationship is "supposed" to look like, and expect our partner to be perfect, and anything that rub us the wrong way or makes us uncomfortable is "bad", or dangerous, because it often isn't. When that vision begins to break down and we become disillusioned, it's quite common to question whether our relationship was as good as we thought in the first place. It's not going to feel as magical as it did at first, and sometimes it breaks down, as no relationship is guaranteed after all - but much of the time, especially for anxiety sufferers, it's our perceptions that need work more than anything else. Trust your gut, and keep working on yourself 😃

This also ties into how past abuse (and/or neglect, and/or a lack of self-care habits) affects how we perceive our relationships as adults. If we expect our partner to fulfill all of our emotional needs, be there for us always when we aren't feeling well, we are potentially setting ourselves up for disaster. No one person can meet all of our emotional needs, and when those needs aren't being met, it's natural to feel resentful or to question their motivations. Each of us needs to learn how to take better care of our own needs, and to develop other healthy connections with people who can help us meet those needs, in addition to just our partner.

This also means it's natural that you won't always feel able to be there for your partner when they want you to. It's perfectly acceptable to say "hey baby, I love you and I wish I could help, I'm just struggling to take care of my own emotions right now, and I just don't feel I have much to give right now." or something like that. Healthy boundaries work both ways, for both partners. It's good to want to always be there for your partner, to take their pain from them, and also want them to take away OUR pain when we're hurting. These are all normal things to feel, it's just that to expect them to always happen is an unrealistic expectation, and such a relationship wouldn't be sustainable. I should know lol, both of my parents are heavily codependent, with my dad serving more often than not as my mom's own personal emotional trash receptacle. They're still together, and they're both more miserable than ever lol. Which usually runs off onto me, simply for not buying into their game, and I just have to learn how to cope and keep working on myself until I can move out.

Sorry for another massive reply!!! it's not even so much that I'm good at communicating as that I'm a writer, and I tend to use 500 words to explain something until I feel I can explain it no more 😂 That's my OCD kicking in too, hahaha. It's gotta be PERFECT, dangit. Anyway, obviously no two people's circumstances are the same. I just think that for people with anxiety trying to navigate relationships, learning about these sorts of things and evolving our expectations of what relationships are is really really huge. It's a vital part of any relationship, after all! I hope some of this was helpful to you!!

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Strebbs]

Wow just came across this post and really appreciate all your thoughts I can relate to a lot of things you’re saying!! I really appreciated the points you mentioned about unhealthy expectations on relationships and healthy boundaries being important!! Thank you for sharing and posting all this- I totally get the 500 words thing -when I really want to get some thoughts out or explain something and clearly to be heard or understood perfectly, I can go on and on!!! So probably some find that exhaustive and I try to understand this not feel so sad about it just not everyone is this way- we are all different & thank goodness really,but it is really nice though to find ones out there who maybe do get you though!! Like woe there are others out there a little more like me after all!!🤣

[2017runner]

I can relate to the obsession with perfection which I know is unhealthy and impossible anyway. I have been trying recently to when unhelpful thoughts come along, shift my focus to saying ‘I wish myself to be safe, I wish myself to be healthy, I wish myself to be happy’ and then extend it to others. Sometimes it helps derail a toxic thought explosion. Sending you love and I wish you to be safe, healthy and happy x

[Strebbs in reply to 2017runner]

Thanks buddy, you as well <3