Am I being anti-social?

[Wild_N]

Okay so here's the background: 18 yrs ago I was gang raped after bunking school getting drunk then my friends left me at the side walk. When realising all of this I wanted to open a case and one of the girls convinced me not to and her wining words were 'imagine what your father would do to you' my dad was strict and I knew I'd loose freedom and be always indoors. During holidays she kept calling checking up on me being supportive... Schools reopen I'm getting looks and comments being me I overlooked it, my two friends who were not there called me in private asked me what happened that day I told them,

they cried merely because my convincer walked into school and said I slept with all the guys that were there... I could get over the rape but her saying that killed me madly, it still affects me today still trying to understand how another woman would do or behave like that...

Anyways life goes on right to take you back on that very same day of the rape taking a walk trying to figure out what really happened, a person I considered as a brother said I should get in his car he'll take me home. The next thing I know I was pleading for my sanity as he drove to an open area with no direction to run to. Was forced to open my legs with a gun between my legs as it was moving left and right. I was defeated 2 rapes in one day.

So with all of that I held my head high pretended like they never happened, instead I retaliated by changing men after men thinking I'd find some comfort and answers. Little did I know that it would catch up...

So here I am in 2018 after loosing my dad and mom I'm struggling to attend funerals and celebrations. I force myself to attend family events. So I'm in the house 75% in the house.

What I've realised when you out there with people is that there's a lot of hypocrisy once there's a gap they want to use it for them to feel good by trying to make you feel small... Another realisation is that they like giving opinions and comments when they are not asked for any.

So because of the hypocrisy, opinions and comments I choose to stay away at home with my kids. It so annoys me so much and also I fear that one day I'll hurt someone as I feel I have a mountain sized anger within. I tend to see patterns of betrayal and intentional hurt hence I stay away...

A friend whom I thought understood me said I'm anti-social and I feel I'm just staying away from being hurt by stupid acts.

Am I anti-social?

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there and I'm sorry you have not had any other replies so far. I have read your story and what happened to you is horrendous; it defies belief to think you could be gang raped and then raped again in one day. The people you were mixing with must have been truly horrible people.

From what you have said it sounds like you have never really dealt with what happened to you. You tried to just shirk it off and like you say "hold your head high" but probably the damage because it has not been properly addressed has stayed within you and turned into a sort of rage against the world

It is very difficult to advise you what to do but you ask are you anti-social? Well yes in a way I think you have tried to overcome what happened to you by becoming angry with the world at large. That is very understandable but is also hurting you as well as protecting you from other people. I have an idea that maybe you cannot afford any counselling as that would be the obvious suggestion to you; to bring it all out and deal with your rightful feelings of anger over what happened to you all those years back. I don't know if there is any rape crisis number you can call as I think they do deal with things which happened many years ago and not necessarily just people who have been recently raped.

I do hope you find some help with your feelings ; you are right that that anger could result in you hurting someone if you don't deal with it in an appropriate way. No one would say you don't have the right to be angry but the sort of rage you are feeling is dangerous and I think in a way you are doing right by staying away from people when you feel like this as you certainly would not want that rage to errupt. That way you would be just as bad as the people who did bad things to you as hurting another person is never acceptable behaviour even if it is born out of an abusive past.

You don't give much more information about yourself but I would suggest visiting you physician (US) or GP ( if you are in UK) and trying to access some appropriate counselling. You maybe need to confide in someone about all that happened and let it out in a therapeutic environment. I hope this helps just a little.

Gemmalouise xx

[Wild_N in reply to Stilltrying_]

I did get help 10 years later for years and years. It's just that when I'm okay and life is okay I encounter situations that kinda trigger some of the things that hurt me back then. My biggest problem now being people having something negative to say or giving their opinions when I didn't have one. People that I consider friends (of which I've written off now) find themselves trying to belittle me every time i'm on a super happy high as if they like it when I'm down and... I really and truly feel that the further I'm away from people the better. I enjoy being me and how I do things I just get annoyed when people want to have opinions and dictate on how I should live.

[Calm_mama]

Hi Wild_N,

I am profoundly sorry that you endured such violence and abuse. I am amazed at your resilience. Have you gotten therapy for what you have been through? It is true that some people can endure a violent crime without some kind of PTSD but most cannot. I would urge you to get some therapy. I do not believe you are antisocial. It is rare that an antisocial person even cares to ask that question. It seems more like you are suffering from PTSD or similar state, and staying in the house is the only way your mind believes it can keep you safe right now. I am sending you hugs.

[Wild_N in reply to Calm_mama]

Hi, Thank you for your response.

I did get therapy. I think I find myself around people who want to put me down somehow. Some will dictate, some will tell me what to do with my life and the most annoying is the opinions that I did not ask for. I've survived so many years and I don't see the need for me to be explaining myself to anyone hence I just walk away and keep to myself. As for confiding in anyone I don't trust anyone.

[fauxartist]

I am sorry this all happened too you and to add to an already horrific situation, you have betrayal. Yes this would scar anyone for life....and still you managed to survive. I understand being weary of people, and I understand not trusting them, who would. And your right, people do find a weak spot in someone else and pick on that to make their small little minds think they are more than the pathetic crap they are. Anyone who does something like that is not worth a milli-second of your time. And yes for the same reasons people are hypocrites being critical or judgemental because of not wanting anyone to know their own skeletons in their closets.

I will tell you sadly your not alone with this....many of us here were assaulted and raped as well....we don't survive this...we are left to live with this for the rest of our lives, we have to be warriors to deal with the damage....I won't even tell you what punishment I would like to see done to these monsters....

But I will say.... I had to do extensive therapy for many reasons, but that was part of it too. I was also looking for love in all the wrong places, and had self esteem issues, blame, shame, guilt....all of that crap.... It was not your fault, drunk or not, you did not deserve this , it was a crime....and you did nothing to make someone do this... it's all on them.

[Wild_N in reply to fauxartist]

Hi, Thank you so much for your response.

Thank you so much mostly for reminding me that its not my fault thank you.

So moving on after therapy for many years, you move on try to make the positive of life yet you come across other human beasts in the work place or in your social life and you kinda reflect back and just see everything as the same.

At the end of the day life goes on so i'll keep going...

[AZ1970]

No you are not antisocial. That is a very strong label. You’ve been gravely traumatized and betrayed by people you thought were safe. It makes sense you don’t trust people. Please get help for the trauma and rage you feel. You don’t need to keep carrying that burden. You deserve a good life. The acts of those horrible people shouldn’t be allowed to rob you of a good life. I’m so very grieved that something like that happened to you.

[Wild_N in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you so much.

I did get therapy I think the challenge are events or moments currently that trigger why I keep to myself and its best that way.

If I were to relocate completely I'm certain i'd be happier and at peace.

I'll keep holding my head high and I so love myself regardless.

[Windy101]

First of all, you're not anti-social. That's a diagnosis for people who have no conscience and are very charming around people to get what they want from them.

Is there a Rape Crisis Center in your area? They can talk to you with understanding and no judgement about what happened in the past. It's not uncommon for people to stuff their feelings about a sexual assault for years. It's a survival technique. Unfortunately, it eventually stops working and can become destructive. That's my sense of your situation after reading your post

Most Rape Crisis organizations do not charge a fee and can provide support and education. They might also have individual counseling and support groups where you'll meet others who've had similar experiences.

You have been through a huge trauma that wasn't your fault, and have every right to be angry. Friends are not going to understand since they haven't been through it. Even if you have to drive a ways to get to it, the nearest Rape Crisis Center is worth a try.

You might also want to see a psychiatrist about medication that can help you cope with your symptoms while you work through this.

Take care and best wishes to you!

[Wild_N in reply to Windy101]

Hi, thank you for your response.

If only SA was effective with crisis centers. I've been for therapy for years and it helped the biggest challenge is being in the outside in the world with all those cruel heartless people who have had rosy lives and think everybody else had rosy lives too.

Betrayal, cruelty happened then but somehow looking at today it's still there and there's not much truth out there.

I do feel if i relocate and start a fresh life I'll be perfectly fine.

Nevertheless I'll hold wear my armor and hold my shield and fight this battle. I'm just glad I'm able to be on this platform as I get different views without being judged.

Thank you.