I need your thoughts and opinions. Please don’t judge me though, it is 2018. Also, if you are triggered by sexual references please stop reading!
In the most respectful way I need some feedback. I hope this isn’t to inappropriate. But I’m ”talking” with a guy and he said this to me “Lol just jealous of any guy that’s seen your body since I haven’t 😋”
I’ve been sexually harassed and assaulted before so this raised some red flags. Am I being over sensitive? Or like does he sound entitled and is objectifying my body? He isn’t trying to hurt me but like why do I feel so offended by this? Am I twisting his words? How else could you take his response? Please help me! I tend to be sensitive and over react and make a big deal out of small things so I want to see if I’m taking things out of context or am I being rational? Thank you
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jgjuka18
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If a guy said this to me, I’d be fine with it. However, I’m not you. If you think his comment was inappropriate, then it is. If you really like the guy, you could explain to him why that comment makes you feel uncomfortable. If he can’t respect that, than he’s an A**hole and you deserve better.
I know he will be receptive to any explanation I give him but he has said things that came across as entitled to my body kinda-ish before. I doubt he means to hurt me but the fact that he thinks that way is making me second guess everything.
That’s great you’re able to communicate well with him. Could you ask him to stop those kinds of comments? If he stops, then I think he’s a keeper haha!
That’s a good idea! I didn’t think about asking him to stop those types of comments. You’re so smart. Sometimes I need to take a step back to see things clearer. That is such a simple solution but works.
Sometimes there are such simple solutions that we don’t see until we talk it out. I’m a big believer in communication. Holding things in will never work.
Most men are stupid when it comes to talking about sex. They're not thinking with their brain. He thinks he's being cute and flirty, but I would probably feel the same as you. If you still want to give the relationship a shot you should explain to him how it makes you feel. If he's smart he'll shape up.
I know he will be receptive to my explanation and he will feel bad but he has said things like this before and I’m concerned that he means what he says. But like boys are dumb but that’s not an excuse for objectifying my body. I feel like I have a constant battle in my head over how I should feel. On one hand I don’t think he knows better but on the other hand he should know better. I think I should talk to him about it but I don’t know what to say.
I think it depends on if you connect while talking about other things. If he makes you laugh and you have other stuff in common. My husband is great and my bff the majority of the time. But when he's in "the mood" he can be a bit of a dumbass. I tell him to knock it off and he does.
We do get along with almost everything but whenever it comes to this topic I feel uncomfortable. Maybe I need to work more on my trauma so I will be more comfortable with this. I like him and am attracted to him but I just get so tense around this topic.
You shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with though. You have a right to your feelings. You have to explain your side of it because men don't think about it the same way we do. They WANT to be objectified so they think that is flattering. Unless you tell him otherwise he won't know what's wrong.
Thank you! The way I take his response is that to see me that way is a goal or like something to achieve or that he is entitled to or is male privilege and because he hasn’t I should be sympathetic to him. I feel creeped out. I can’t find the right way to explain how I feel.
I tend to read alit into what people say. And it felt like he was hinting or grooming you to go further with him. I could be wrong but that's my take 🤔
Thank you! I appreciate your insight and opinion. I know I can read into things as well and that’s why I sometimes question if I’m being rational or not.
Personally I would think it depends on how you interpret that because I could see it taken one of two ways.
The first is playfully. I’d really love to see you naked, aka I think you’re beautiful.
The second feels more sinister. Like is he actually jealous? Will he do something to ensure he sees you naked? Is he being possessive over you already?
I think it would depend on the rapport you have with him more than anything. It’s the kind of phrase that would be easier to judge in person than in text especially if you don’t know that person extremely well.
I agree with Eeowyn and Emily for the most part but I’m personally extremely untrusting if people. I don’t really know what else to say sadly.
Thank you! I love hearing your insight and opinion. I think he meant to sound playful but it comes off creepy. I will probably explain it to him but I also feel like he should just know that sounds weird.
I do like him and I could see myself dating him but when he talks about being with me and my body that way it sounds like he feels entitled and sexually objectifying me. I know he wants to have sex and stuff but sometimes when he talks like this it sounds like he believes he deserves to be with me.
I know that part of a romantic relationship is physical attraction and I do want that but he comes off triggering. Not cute.
I see where you’re coming from. Ultimately it is your decision and like I said I’m untrusting, but he might not realize what he’s saying is bothering you. Men (including myself) can be pretty oblivious at times. He might be used to women liking him saying that sort of thing because some women do respond to more aggressive and off-putting compliments. Some people just like that dominant attitude.
Personally I believe you should refrain from such strong comments until you’ve been together for a while and know if your partner likes hearing it but that’s just me. I still feel like it could go either way, but if you want to pursue anything with him I would recommend at least trying to bring it up. You don’t want to start a relationship with someone who is triggering you or making you feel uncomfortable because it isn’t likely to stop. If anything I imagine it would only grow in intensity but if you say something to him he might watch what he says a little more closely. If he doesn’t and you’re still uncomfortable I would be hesitant in seeing him.
If he has a dominant attitude just remember that you can be both dominant and respectful. It’s not a one or the other kind of thing. You deserve to be treated with respect and you shouldn’t settle for less regardless of whom you’re with.
Wow thank you. That was super helpful. I am sure he has said or heard guys say that type of thing to a woman and it was okay. He might be trying to show dominance which is a very good pickup. I feel like that could be fitting in this situation. Super dominant men scare me so that could be why it triggered me. I like how you said you can be dominant and respectful. In my past they don’t go hand in hand but they can and should.
I just don’t understand why he would not notice that it could be taken poorly. Ugh I think I’m going to start distancing myself and once I’m comfortable I can talk to him about it or leave. I have not made up my mind yet but in the mean time I should distance myself. Thank you so much.
Wow thank you. That was super helpful. I am sure he has said or heard guys say that type of thing to a woman and it was okay. He might be trying to show dominance which is a very good pickup. I feel like that could be fitting in this situation. Super dominant men scare me so that could be why it triggered me. I like how you said you can be dominant and respectful. In my past they don’t go hand in hand but they can and should.
I just don’t understand why he would not notice that it could be taken poorly. Ugh I think I’m going to start distancing myself and once I’m comfortable I can talk to him about it or leave. I have not made up my mind yet but in the mean time I should distance myself. Thank you so much.
Giving him the benefit of a doubt, he probably didn’t even think about it. A lot of people don’t truly think about how their words and actions are received by others. Especially not by how each person is unique and won’t respond to everything the same way.
And you’re right that dominance and respect don’t go hand in hand most of the time but it really should. The problem is actually similar to what I just said in the previous paragraph. In his experiences and observations it’s probably “okay” to talk to nearly all women like that. He’s being fun and flirty, but it’s not exactly respectful.
The thing is that there are a million little ways men can be “dominant” without being demeaning to women. It’s not one and the same although there are literally thousands of examples in popular culture where it is treated as such. The biggest problem is that people aren’t taught to be respectful of other people’s individual experiences, emotions, and unspoken boundaries. A big part of respecting someone in a relationship is never forgetting that they are a distinct person with their own needs and treating them accordingly.
You’re welcome for my advice. I hope I didn’t cross any lines with anything I said. Just always remember that you deserve respect. 🙂
Oh no you didn’t cross any lines and you have been extremely helpful and insightful. I like seeing things from your perspective because you are reasonable and explain everything clearly. You bring a different perspective when you share your thoughts and I like that.
I think I will just talk to him about it and see how he responds to everything. That will speak volumes about who he is.
If he wanted my advice I'd tell him that expressing jealousy towards other guys, even if just jokingly, is not going to be any kind of a turn on for most women...
I don’t know enough about what context in which it was said. If the dude just walked up and said that I would kick him to the curb. Call me old fashioned but I can never recall guys saying stupid things like this when I was younger. It’s like men have lost all common sense.
Thank you! I feel like it is normal to talk like that and expected but it isn’t okay. I think people give them a pass for that behavior and say oh he didn’t realize that was offensive but to me I think it is common sense. I never know when I’m being to hard or if this is simply just below my standards.
I think woman need to hold men to higher standards. They need to call men out when they are acting immature. They used to all the time when I was growing up lol.
Thank you! I am not afraid to call someone out but I just like validate my thoughts first and make sure I’m rational. I can sometimes get carried away.
Trust your gut. If you don’t like being talked to that way, tell him. His intention may or may not be to harass you. But you know what makes you feel safe. Communicate that so he doesn’t do it again.
You don't seem to be very comfortable with him saying those things, ask him to stop.
Some people are OK with it but some aren't, if you aren't 100% feeling OK with him talking that way then it's not for you. If he doesn't stop it after you asking him then say goodbye to him and move on.
Oh I know that! I never have and never will send pictures.
If it made you uncomfortable I would tell him. It sounds like you're able to be open with him & if he doesn't like what you have to say, then you really do have your answer. All the best for you! Love, peace, light, joy & hugs!
It could be lot of things. Frustrated man with very little experience with communicating in a mature way or a predator who throws these comments just to see how others react, playing mind game. You have the option to walk away right now.
Hii. I think it also depends on how long you have been talking and your equation with him. Honestly, I wouldn't be okay with this if some guy I just started talking to said something like this. May be his intent is not all that bad and he is trying to flatter you but he is objectifying you may be for the lack of not knowing any better. But you shouldn't settle someone who can't get beyond bodily and sexual flirting. If you're feeling uncomfortable, don't let it pass. Your comfort and feelings are important. Tell him that you are not comfortable with such statements. Give him that benefit of doubt. But if still says such stuff, fleee
Thank you for commenting because you really helped validate my feelings and thoughts about everything. I feel like this is such a cliche thing to say but our relationship is kinda complicated. I think he was trying to flirt but ended up failing at it. I really hope his intentions are good but only time will tell.
Relationships in general are complicated. Please always put your comfort and intuition first. Don't be afraid to express anything that makes you uncomfortable. I hope this goes well for you. Sending love!
Thank you for reassuring me. I am working on speaking up for myself even when it’s uncomfortable.
First im sorry for your traumatic experience and you didn't deserve that. Second i would like to say trust your instinct eben if he didn't have bad intention sometimes when you pick up on a man being insensitive..listen to those instincts and do not make excuses for them
Thank you! This has been so conflicting for me because after my trauma happened I’m hyper vigilant so I often sense things as bad or dangerous even when they aren’t. I’m trying to work on it still so I’m not always sure if I’m over reacting or if I’m right that is why I asked this community for help.
I'm guessing there's more that you haven't told us and it's not the only instance where you've had doubts. Is it part of a pattern that's developing where you don't trust this guy for some reason? Also, if you met him online and these are chats that would be creepy on his part.
I would encourage you to listen to all the self doubt in how you communicate. Predators in particular get off on that. I think you could still benefit from trauma therapy, perhaps now more than ever since you're getting yourself out there again.
"Please don't judge me"- ???
"In the most respectful way" - sometimes we feel angry and downright rude.
"Am I being overly sensitive" - who cares if you are, and whose business is it to judge you.
"He isn't trying to hurt me" - none of us is a mind reader, that's how we get raped.
"Am I twisting his words" - I don't know, does he say you are? If he does, do you think he's telling the truth? Does he fight with you?
"Am I being rational" - that's the question to ask a qualified therapist and continue to do the good work of healing. When my mind goes to these places, it's like it's telling me I can't go this alone, I need to expand my support network to include therapy, over and over again. Some people call it the ongoing process of peeling away the onion.
And ... Does he gaslight? Gaslighting can be very confusing for trauma survivors. And it can leave you doubting your very sanity. There's lots of it out there and you always get away from those people.
It's a definite red flag stay well away from him and your not being over sensitive at all your instincts are spot on . Hus flattering you so you will sleep with him
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