Am I on borrowed time?: trigger warning... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Am I on borrowed time?

MichiganBoy profile image

trigger warning; talk of suicide

Since my depression ramped up, mid-late high school, I've only sincerely considered taking my own life twice. Both times, it was following a big fight with a family member. Looking back, I'm starting to think I'm living on borrowed time.

I don't like myself. I truly hate myself as a person. It's been years since I had a positive view of myself, and it astounds me that anyone can stand to put up with me for extended periods of time. The only thing that consistently drives me to work hard or improve myself is my family. Despite everything, I've always had an incredibly loving and supportive family. I don't think it's a stretch to say I wouldn't be here if not for them. Unfortunately, this also means I have no investment in myself outside of pleasing them. I'm worried that I'm just one big fight away from slipping into another suicidal episode that I don't come out of. Even then, the only reason this bothers me is because when I'm not in one of those really low points, I know how badly I'd hurt my family if I killed myself. But when I'm in that space, I can only imagine it as being one last temporary pain before they get used to the world without me, and move on, and their lives are better without me in them.

Everything I've read tells me if I really want to get better, I need to like myself, or at least not actively hate myself, but I honestly don't know how. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.

15 Replies

Loving others is easy. Loving yourself is the hard part…. Or so we often think.

But as many wise figures have remarked over the years, it’s in fact only when you

first learn to accept and cherish your own essence that you can find the peace of mind to be truly present for your loved ones — and for your own life.

Self-love is not a luxury to be delayed or subordinated to the “real business” of going after your goals or caring for others.

It’s not for nothing that when you board a plane, the run-through of the emergency landing procedures always tell you to place your own mask on first.

Caring for yourself is the foundation of your strength and stability, without which you are of no use to anyone.

And it’s the only thing will propel you forward on your journey and hold you steady when you inevitably stumble.

In order to be successful at anything in life, you need to first believe that you deserve to be.

MichiganBoy profile image
MichiganBoy in reply to tamka38

Thanks, this means a lot. I've been hoping that living for others would be enough to carry me through life until I got to a point where I'd achieved enough to feel proud of myself, but it's not working out. I wish I knew where to start, but I'll have to try and devote some time to feeling better about myself, accomplishments or not.

tamka38 profile image
tamka38 in reply to MichiganBoy

Growth is actually contagious, so if you want to reach your goals, you’ve got to get around people who are going in the same direction you want to be going, and you will catch the success.”

Suicide does not end the Chances of Life getting Worse, Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting Better

Nothing in this world can torment you as much as your own thoughts.”

Take your time healing, as long as you want. Nobody else knows what you've been through. How could they know how long it will take to heal you.”

You can't control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.”

: ”I know you're tired. I know you're physically and emotionally drained, but you have to keep going.”

Sometimes, mental illness is terrifying because you feel like you've lost control of your mind and nothing makes sense. It's like watching yourself on autopilot and having little to no control”

You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.”

When I made the decision to make happiness my No. 1 priority every day,

I became aware of a whole new world of possibilities.

Healthier choices instantly presented themselves.

I learned how to make myself feel better when times were tough,

simply by shifting my thoughts and focusing on something that would lift my spirits.

I began to create habits and develop mindsets that enabled me to live more in the moment and enjoy myself during the process.

That doesn’t mean that I’m happy 24/7. I was well aware there would always be challenges.

My point is that you can experience unease, sadness and pain at times and still be happy overall.

Your overall happiness is determined by what you choose to focus on in the world from day to day. That’s the key.

I have walked the path you speak of. If you look down...those are my footprints.

Since early adolescence I have suffered from anxiety and depression due to self-loathing and low self-esteem. I never liked who I was...because I was different than those around me. I grew up in rural NC. I'm still here. People hunt. Me, if I shot a deer, I would cry for hours. My friends picked up, used, and discarded girls on a regular basis...I loved and cared immensely for each girl that came into my life...and never dealt well with the loss of a relationship.

I wanted to be as they were. To be what I considered normal.

As for suicidal thoughts, or suicidal ideation, I am an expert. In my teens, I never took that final step because I would never hurt my mom in that way.

Then at 21, I became a Dad myself...and he became the reason I lived on. As he got older, I began to think he didn't need me. But I had finally met a beautiful girl, a beautiful person, and I lived on for her.

So after a lifetime of this, I have come to a few conclusions. I want to live and I seek reasons...excuses to wake up tomorrow. Everyone says you have to learn to do it for yourself...I say, whatever I have to tell myself, that gets me through, is good enough.

Suicidal ideation is having the thoughts...but not necessarily the intent. I become overwhelmed by life, self-doubt, loss of hope...and I reach a breaking point. And I mentally give up. I tell myself I'm done. And I am relieved. Why worry anymore? I won't be here.

And I rest. My mind stops the vicious thought cycle.

And I live on. I have come to understand how common suicidal thoughts are in those with anxiety/depression. And whether you do it for yourself or tell yourself you don't want to hurt someone else, the end result is the same. We live.

As for self-esteem, self-loathing, self-doubt...these thoughts are the result of comparing ourselves to others and coming up short. My therapist said this "how are you ever going to win the comparison game? You are the judge and you don't like yourself."

And he was right.

Recently I became active in trying to fix myself. No self-medicating and avoiding.

Take steps toward being better, understanding how my mind works.

I started reading, I started group and individual therapy, and I joined this forum.

And the steps I am taking make me feel better. Simply because I am trying. There is no miracle cure. I crashed today...this morning...and I came here. And I was immediately surrounded by strangers who genuinely cared about my well-being. They know the pain, the isolation even if you are not alone, of this condition. I reached out. They reached back. That happens here all day...every day.

And I realized something incredible.

We are different. We care deeply. We have compassion for others. We want to help. We see pain and we don't turn away. We don't walk by. We reach out. We hug. We hold hands. We speak kind words. We offer support. We give of ourselves.

So I am not ashamed of who I am. I will have my bad days. I will go through down cycles.

But I know I have heart and that I care.

The world would be better if there were more of us.

This post is a couple days old now, but it spoke to me, and so I wanted to respond. I also have an incredibly supportive and loving family, and without them, I probably wouldn’t be alive today either. Knowing how very badly I would hurt them has always been the main thing stopping me when I get into one of those bad states. Sometimes I wish I could just make them forget me so they wouldn’t have to be hurt by it, but unfortunately I cannot, and so

I am stuck. I’m not in one of those very bad, dark states of mind right now, but it is quite possible I will reach it again at some point.

From what I am reading of your post, you sound like a very sincere and caring person. Just one who is struggling with anxiety/depression like all of us here. I’m sure there is plenty to like about yourself. It’s just hard to see through the depression unfortunately.

MichiganBoy profile image
MichiganBoy in reply to melantha

Thank you, you sound like a good person too. Here's hoping we both remember that the next time we have a bad day. Right now I'm doing alright, and in moments like these I know I deserve to be here. All I can do now is try and make sure I have someone or something to support me through the rough patches that come with living life. Good luck, friend.

Stay in touch with this group!!!!

Right now.... in this big ok’ world, this is all I have !! Keep threading water with me.... eventually we will start moving

Sorry that I didn't respond to you earlier. I think its great you acknowledge your family and how supportive they are of you. There is a reason why you have been thinking the way you have about yourself. A counselor can help you sort out your thoughts and beliefs and help you discover the pattern of beliefs you have and how they started. Hopefully in time, the counselor will help you change some of these negative beliefs you have about yourself. Since your family is supportive of you, have them help you search for a counselor who specializes in working with patients with suicidal tendencies. You may not like yourself today however that could change in an instant. Give yourself time to discover yourself, your strengths, your likes, dislikes, etc. There is so much the world could gain from you.

Dear MichiganBoy,

I so understand a lot of what you're going through. It does sound as if you have a loving and supportive family, which is wonderful!! May I ask why you feel you must please them? Have they, or certain individuals within your family, done or said anything to make you think you need to please them? I hope not. I know you know this, but you should not invest all of yourself in doing that. Are you seeing a good counselor? There are also lots of great books about self-love and all the other things that would be covered in books. Posting here is a good thing. Use this platform to vent and to open your mind and heart to what others tell you. We have your best interests at heart and everyone here will offer tips and insight that come from personal experience. I wish you all the best! Be good to yourself! Remember not to say/think anything to yourself you would allow someone to say to one of your good friends or a family member. Defend and guard yourself against the negative voice in your head. Build yourself up and fly high!

MichiganBoy profile image
MichiganBoy in reply to Linnea1

Most of my need to please the people around me comes from within, I think. My family is very flattering towards me and it contrasts with my own low self-esteem, and I feel a sort of impostor syndrome. I feel like I don't deserve how nice they are to me, and that's where my need to make up for it by being better to them comes from.

Unfortunately I can't afford a counselor at the moment, but hopefully I will be able to look into it sometime this year. I'm glad I found this place so I can at least vent without worrying about my family reading my darker thoughts, I don't want them to worry. They know I have depression, but it makes me feel better if I don't have to unload exclusively on them.

Thanks for the positive reinforcement, I've been working towards better mental health for a while now and I think I'm making progress bit by bit.

Linnea1 profile image
Linnea1 in reply to MichiganBoy

Dear MichiganBoy,

Ah, I understand better now. I wish that you could allow your family to love on you and uplift you without feeling like an impostor. I think having a good counselor would help. There are sliding scale places where it could cost very little (or free) to see a trained counselor. Can you call around to see?

MichiganBoy profile image
MichiganBoy in reply to Linnea1

I can certainly give it a shot! I've moved recently, so I'm sure there's some new options out there.

MichiganBoy - I hope you find a place. If you have insurance, that should pay for all or most of the cost. If you don't have insurance, like me, you should be able to find a place for just a few bucks. I pay $4 per visit. My first few visits were messy and very draining (not just for me, but for the counselor, too, I'm sure). So much anger, sadness, and hopelessness spilled out of me that they started paperwork to have me involuntarily committed for at least 72 hours. When I found out what they were preparing, I begged and pleaded: I have pets at home and no one to feed or walk them. I couldn't just go be locked up with no one to take care of them. I forced myself to calm down and told them I wasn't really suicidal, and they let me leave. Wow...I didn't really intend to share that. So, that's my experience. Don't be like me; be honest with them, so that you can get the help you need. If you can't find a counseling center, try churches. Many offer counseling with a pastor or priest.

Take care!!

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