trigger warning; talk of suicide
Since my depression ramped up, mid-late high school, I've only sincerely considered taking my own life twice. Both times, it was following a big fight with a family member. Looking back, I'm starting to think I'm living on borrowed time.
I don't like myself. I truly hate myself as a person. It's been years since I had a positive view of myself, and it astounds me that anyone can stand to put up with me for extended periods of time. The only thing that consistently drives me to work hard or improve myself is my family. Despite everything, I've always had an incredibly loving and supportive family. I don't think it's a stretch to say I wouldn't be here if not for them. Unfortunately, this also means I have no investment in myself outside of pleasing them. I'm worried that I'm just one big fight away from slipping into another suicidal episode that I don't come out of. Even then, the only reason this bothers me is because when I'm not in one of those really low points, I know how badly I'd hurt my family if I killed myself. But when I'm in that space, I can only imagine it as being one last temporary pain before they get used to the world without me, and move on, and their lives are better without me in them.
Everything I've read tells me if I really want to get better, I need to like myself, or at least not actively hate myself, but I honestly don't know how. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.