What am I feeling?

[Unhingedd]

At the time it felt numbing and unsettling, I obsessed and replayed the event, thinking of alternate scenarios that could have resulted if only I'd said something else or spoken differently. I felt guilt, shame, sadness, insomnia and gradually lost interest in dressing up, socialising and meeting people. People scared me, and I wanted to avoid the place of event, the people who witnessed it and those who hurt me. I believe it traumatised me. I became afraid of people and wanted to avoid them and so I did. It's been 6 years and I still can't not forget. I thought I would get over it but I never did. I was bullied and harassed by online anonymous bullies for over a year. I was sent threatening and disturbing texts by Unknown accounts. I became so paranoid that I shut down my social media. I still feel I am being watched and stalked. Then one day on a school fair I was cornered and beat up by my Ex and his friends and no one came to help me. It was humiliating and I felt very violated. It broke my trust in friends too. I was hurt initially and angry but the feelings got replaced by lethargy, inactivity, sadness, indifference. I really lost will to go about daily life. I have tried drinking cleaning solution once but could not go through with it 4 years ago. I feel so lost and irritable all the time. I have no friends anymore, no relationships, no social life, no love life. I am too afraid to meet people and face them. My face and body still burns and feels scalded where I was hurt even though scars and long healed. I feel aimless, can't concentrate on career and have hard time staying employed. I'm so afraid to join social media, I get jittery and paranoid even thinking about it. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know something is wrong that I need to fix to feel better. I'm depressed and want to get healed. I never told my family, never got therapy as its taboo here. I feel better when I clean things as it distracts me from my thoughts. What am I feeling and why it won't go away. What is wrong with me.

[weegmack]

Hello there. You have had such a distressing and terrible time, I’m so sorry. You are brave to come on here and tell your story. I think you have PTSD. Is there no way you can access some mental health services where you live? Sending you gentle hugs xx

[Unhingedd in reply to weegmack]

Thankyou so much for your support. It relieves me to talk about it and share it. In my country its such a huge taboo that it can affect my employment oppurtunity. I will get labelled crazy. I wish it was different.

[weegmack in reply to Unhingedd]

That’s terrible - I’m so sorry 😞. It’s so wrong that it should be that way. You can talk to me anytime. Don’t worry if I don’t reply straight away though - I have a feeling we might be in different time zones!

There’s a PTSD forum on here too. That could be helpful also.

I take it you can’t talk to your parents? Xx

[Unhingedd in reply to weegmack]

I am so grateful for your kind words and so thankful for your kindness to speak with you. I feel as if im being relieved of a burden.

My parents have passed away but if I had told them they would have supported and comforted me. I just never garnered enough strength to tell anyone in person before.

I am afraid of being labeled and most clinical help just gives medication as a way to cope and numbs the mind. I want to heal the damage and now will look through the ptsd forum too.

Thankyou for your guidance and thankyou for your response despite the time difference. I am very grateful.

[hrow]

Hi! I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Some times it helps to meet with a counselor or a support group. I know when I was struggling with depression it helped to talk to some one. Don't just feel more sad every day talk to someone face to face and get those feelings out. I will be thinking of you!

Hope

[hrow]

Wow! What a rough road you have had! I feel for you! I would ask you if you have considered counseling? A counselor can help you work through your hurt and help you unpack all the feelings that you are feeling. Please consider getting help! No one should have to live in fear and being alone. There are also support groups out. When I was in a support group it helped to know that I wasn''t the only person struggling and having a hard time. God bless you! Hope you can get some peace soon!

H

[clayjars]

Hi, I'm so sorry for your struggles. You've been wronged by others and have been deeply shamed and wounded. Since it seems like you have limited resources available where you live perhaps you can find support online ie. bit.ly/2LpZyuC

I know how hard it is to live with guilt and shame. I pray that you will not give into those dark thoughts. The past wounds have not healed and they may keep telling you that

you are unloved and unworthy, but they are lies! In fact, you are loved more than you know. Keep searching for the truth, for truth will set you free~