depression of a loved one

[southFLORIDAgal]

I've come to realize that my younger brother is struggling with depression, but is in denial of it. Having a masters in psychology and working in the industry, I am quite familiar with the signs and symptoms, as I have also struggled with anxiety and depression myself. However, I can't seem to get through to him, and it is making me second guess my education. I am worried about him but he shuts down every time I try to talk to him. Literally, he will just sit there and stare straight ahead if I ask him anything, and I can't get him to open up at all. How can I help him? This is starting to make my depression flare up again as well (also because of the holiday season). Our mother died in 2012 when I was 22 and he was 18, and out father remarried the next year. So I know he struggles with intimacy- he's never had a girlfriend- that any of us know about, and he's 23 now. I've been very understanding in letting him get away with not doing chores and whatnot, but it's to the point where he's not 'adulting' at all. He doesn't even flush his toilet after taking a dump. It's like he's given up. He never wants to spend time with me, even to just go get food, and isolates in his room all day. He doesn't even want to celebrate Christmas this year, and it's just the 2 of us, and this makes my heart hurt so much. He forgot my birthday this year too. Any suggestions on how I can get him to open up? He is unwilling to go to a psychiatrist, even though he already sees one for ADHD.

[AZ1970]

I too have worked in mental health and have siblings with mental health issues. I am not the one to get through to them, even though I have tried. You said your brother has a dr for his ADHD meds. I doubt he signed an ROI for you, but you can either call or send a letter to his doctor informing the dr of what is going on. Perhaps that will get the ball rolling. Would your dad be able to help? I promise this is not about you. Don't question your abilities.

[LovelySnow]

I really relate to this. I have a brother who also has issues he doesn't seem to address. I know that's vague but it's a long story. Anyway, he won't talk about it with anyone although he did see a counselor last year for a short time. But like you, I wonder if he has really healed. And I worry about him - I try to remind myself that worrying helps no one, but it can be hard.

I think the best we can do, especially if talking to them proves fruitless, is love them, be there for them and hope with all our might that they get care and support and take care of themselves. I wish we could help or do something, but sometimes we can't. It's not our fight, it's theirs. They have to make the choice. I think all we can do is love them and be there. That's what I think! But of course you do what is best for you and your brother!

[justanote]

I understand how hard it is to know that a loved one needs help and they are unwilling to accept it. I am not a mental health professional but I have some background in counseling. When my sister was diagnosed with clinical depression, it was difficult for me to talk with her. I think I was trying to "fix" her problems and she just wanted someone to listen to her. I wonder if that is what your brother needs. He may feel ashamed or embarrassed by his problems, knowing that you have a masters in psychology. Perhaps you could provide him with counseling resources so he can make the first step. Here is a number to call that will give him immediate help as well as suggestions for counseling services in your area: 855-382-5433. Please know that his actions are not about you, but about him. I'm praying that your brother will reach out for help soon.

[Mistykitten]

I feel for you. You have the ability to help and he doesn't want you to help him. My mom was a Psych. RN. She's the last person I would talk to. Could it be possible that he is jealous of your academic achievements? I wouldn't want my relative psychoanalyzing (sp?) me. Any chance you could bring home a fellow therapist, introduce him/her and quietly leave for an hour? He may open up to an outsider once he understands the therapist can't discuss anything he says with you. (Sorry bro). Re:life in general, it's time for a heart to heart, maybe Sat night over beer and pizza? you get my idea. If you go out to eat, he can't raise his voice or make a scene. (hopefully.) You have to lay down the law. Tell him, you will do 1, 2, & 3 around the house. And I (you) will do A. B. & C. We both have to connect back into life again and this is how we are going to start, unless you have a better idea. Put the reins in his hands. Or be a hard ass and have him committed. You may not have a brother if you go that way. Give him options to pick from. Let him have half of the say, but he's got to do half of the work. If you can (maybe you already do) leave the masters degree in the car when you arrive home at night. Just be a loving, understanding brother. Any chance of a ski trip for the holidays? My dad passed 12 yrs ago, I haven't celebrated Christmas to date, and I have a very large beautiful ornament collection for my Christmas tree. I'm just not ready. As far as the bathroom... That's just plain gross! Time for a man to man. Was he a mom's boy? (meant with the utmost respect). I was a daddy's girl, I'm 56, and I still cry when I think of that beautiful man.

He needs help, but it doesn't sound like he's going to take it from you. You may have to talk to him about signing himself into the hospital for some help or you may have to ask one of your PhD buddies to help you out, or, contact the existing doctor with your concerns and let the doctor try working on him. They already have a sense of trust between them . Gosh, this one is rough. You are a hell of a brother man. I wish both of you the very best. Warmest Regards. Mistykitten