How to push forward?

[bix412]

I’m new to this, never have expressed my depression to people. I only turn to one friend who also suffers from depression and we tend to help one another when we can.

But my question is, how do you push forward when you fall into a deep dark pit filled with doubts? I tend to feel like I’m not good enough to be alive? I tend to feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life. I know I should feel blessed that I am alive, I have a roof over my head, I have a handful of people who love me but yet this dark cloud passes over me and I think to myself that I don’t deserve anything.

I struggle to get myself to push forward. I do push forward and overcome it but it’s only temporary because the dark cloud keeps coming back.

And I feel ashamed to express it. I put too much pressure on myself to be the best, to be perfect.

Anyways thanks for your time

[UnbackedMuffin]

I deal with those type of thoughts as well. I constantly tear myself down and sabotage any chance of being happy. I feel as if I deserve to feel this way. For the longest time I would just bottle everything up. I felt like I was weak if I couldn't deal with it on my own. That people would look down on me. Everything I tried was only a temporary fix to a much larger issue. I would hide behind fake smiles while silently screaming for someone to help me. It wasn't until I became suicidal that I finally found the strength to ask for help. I'm not saying all my problems disappeared but talking with someone helped to process and deal with certain issues.

[bix412]

I once opened up to my sibling and she didn’t know what to say except to make jokes, which was okay because it took my mind off it it for the moment but at the same time it was a problem because I needed someone to talk to

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to bix412]

When I finally had the strength to tell my mother that I was suicidal and needed professional help she told me to pray about it. My parents are highly religious. I felt disregarded and hurt. It took a lot for me to reach out and felt ignored. I ended up getting lymes disease and it started effecting me mentally. I became extremely suicidal and started taking things to numb myself. Subconsciously hoping I wouldn't wake up. Thankfully I did. My sister was the only one to reach out to me and make my parents realize the severity of the situation. Sadly I didn't have insurance so I couldn't seek professional help. It wasn't until recently that I ended up in the hospital after a heavy binge that I got insurance. I'm now looking for a therapist. I'm hoping that they will set me on the right path. I realize now that not everyone is capable of processing something like suicide. It's an uncomfortable topic and they react with humor or denial. It's not that they don't care they just don't know how to react. If you feel like you need to talk find an unbiased person like a counselor or therapist.

[AZ1970]

Are you on medication? When I was having those kinds of symptoms my medication needed to be adjusted. No matter what I did, it did not really help. Once I was put on a new medication, it was like the clouds moved. I still have to work really hard every day on my wellness. But it does not feel like I am trudging though mud every day.

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to AZ1970]

I was recently put on medication. I didn't have insurance for the past few years and was self medicating. I need to find a therapist asap though. I'm not sure if what I'm on is working or not. I've been on opiates the last 10 years and they've done a number on my psyche. I've been battling depression and anxiety for years and haven't sought professional help until recently.

[AZ1970 in reply to UnbackedMuffin]

Opiate addiction can be so difficult to overcome. I am not saying you are purposefully addicted, but they are by nature addictive. Until those are out of your system, it will be hard to tell if there is anything else going on. Please see if there is a way to get treatment in a medical setting to get off of them. I hope you get the help you need. Please keep us informed of how you are doing.

[UnbackedMuffin in reply to AZ1970]

I completely understand. I've researched the psychological damage drugs, especially opiates do to the brain. I know I'm chemically imbalanced from heavy opiate use. The last time I came off of them I was a mess. I would go from laughing uncontrollably to cry in the next moment. It was too much to deal with. I became highly suicidal. I was on pain management for 5-6 years and due to pressure from my family I discharged myself. It was a horrible mistake. The last 2 years have been a slow train wreck. I didn't have insurance to seek help and I was forced to self medicate. I finally crashed about a month ago and admitted myself into the hospital. I was on a path to destruction. If not for my family stepping in I'd most likely be dead right now. I was trying to numb years of pain and hurt unsuccessfully. I'm in the process of finding a therapist at the moment. This will be the first time I've sought professional help for my mental issues. I've been using some form of drug to cope since my teenage years. It's to the point where I need to seek help or I won't be here much longer. My depression is becoming too much to deal with and I'm constantly fighting suicidal impulses. I've been able to resist them so far but I'm losing ground. I'm working on getting help while I'm still in control.