My life would make a pretty good book. But, you wouldn’t want to be the main character.

I was asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself. I said no because I can’t. I’m alive to try and mitigate the damage and because I know how bad people could be hurt if I were not here.

But I have no life of my own anymore. I’m married but feel like I can’t enjoy it. It’s all obligation. I’d say I don’t get to be me , but I have no idea who I am or what I enjoy. I don’t feel anything but down anymore. I love because I have obligations. Work to pay obligations. Fake smile and play to make my kids happy.

I’m exhausted and just want to disappear and not have an ex yelling at me telling me how evil I am, have a wife now upset because I don’t have a real reason to be upset and am having a “pity party” and mom who is a real Karen (nuff said)

I’m no longer a star in my life. I’m just a background character to a few people and an extra in the cast for most.

So why am I here why am alive? Obligation . Trying to stop doing more damage than good but I can’t seem to get that right.

My life would actually make a pretty good book. But you wouldn’t want to be the main character.

[Midwestmomma]

Seems like you lost your true self along the way, trying to please others. Or you somehow blame them. Both are legiment issues. How do you move forward ? Do you feel like dont matter these people and they are using you? I can kinda understand. Seems like you thought about hurting yourself. But that doesn't stop the pain. Try to detach from any toxic relationships you have first. People say count your blessings and be grateful. But that kinda diminishes the real pain of what's going on. Like hey jerk, my leg just cut off and I'm supposed to be happy with still having my other. Ya know._ Acknowledge you pain. And try to find a way out. Live your life!

[Hidden in reply to Midwestmomma]

Thank you. I have begun cutting the toxic out by limiting interactions unfortunately I am bound to my ex via kids and she goes on the attack regularly . Why I let this person bother me I have no idea. But, I do and it’s awful.

My mother I feel

Obligated to and know she has her own demons but is not self aware enough to work on them.

My wife is excellent but a very forward and concrete person. She can’t understand why I don’t just stop being down.

It’s funny u mention the leg, I have used a similar analogy trying to say “yes people have it worse, but that doesn’t make my situation good” .

Anyway, just having someone reply to me, hear me and acknowledge that my feelings are real , mattered. Thank you.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I totally empathize with you. I am the main character in a similar book.

First, I would ask you if those people you mentioned know that you have depression and depression is real and you can't just switch it off?

Second, all the obligations you list make me think of how codependent I was. I defined myself by my job (teacher), how well the lessons went, how well the students learned, how much more I could do to make it even better. After all, I would be their only 7th grade science teacher, ever.

None of these define me. I was obsessed with them, though. I was hurt so many times, for years and years. I kept telling myself to do more, to do better.

Defining who I am has been really a struggle. I left teaching. I had a breakdown. I have PTSD from being a teacher. But none of it defined me.

COVID put the brakes on a lot of plans for 2020 to start a new chapter. A major car accident, however, gave me a lot of "me" time to think about it. I know what I am passionate about, but fear holds me back. I can rationalize my way out of persuing new careers.

Third, who do you want to be as a person? What made you happy before you felt the obligations set in? How do you need to communicate your needs to the people around you? How do you tell them never to discount how you are feeling because it makes things worse? Who else can you talk to about this since your peeps are not on the same page, yet?

Best wishes.

[chaoticjoy3 in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I am so sorry you are living in this space. Depression is so difficult, especially when those around us are unable to understand what we are facing. I would encourage you to reach out for help, to a physician or a counselor, maybe a pastor, anyone who is able to help support you through this. Those are the hardest first step, but also monumental in healing. You are loved, I promise you that, and you are so very valuable to those who love you. It seems that when we get caught up in this cloud of darkness, it becomes more and more difficult to find the light, but I promise it is there. You just need to find someone who can relate, and understand what you are going through. Sometimes just voicing how you feel can make a big difference when it comes to seeing the light.

I know each day is hard, but I know you can surpass this, I will be praying for you..

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to chaoticjoy3]

Thank you, Chaoticjoy3. There are definitely days when I feel like no one would miss me. My darkest days were early in my diagnosis, 30 years ago, but I have had relapses. I stopped burdening my friends. My family does not know. I like my therapist and my psychiatrist, but lately their visits seem like I am just part of their assembly line. I like being alone, but not lonely, if that makes sense. It has been a long time since I have seen light.